“The Narcissist Didn’t Love Me! Now What?”

When we discover essential truths about narcissists and realize the narcissist is not capable of genuine love, it’s gut-wrenching. The intense salt in the wound is the understanding that he or she doesn’t love us now, and never did.

We may experience this in many different forms. Maybe this person who once vowed and declared we are their soul mate, that they genuinely love us, and they can’t live without us has moved on to another relationship without even a second glance. And maybe this person is attempting to discredit and destroy us and is trying to rip us apart in property and custody battles.

These behaviors are clearly the very opposite of what love should be.

Of course, this feels personal, and the narcissist’s tactics bring on every insecurity and fear we may have had about ourselves, namely I am not lovable and not worthy of being loved.

Virtually every individual who has sustained a relationship with a narcissist loved this person and kept loving until it hurt – horrifically. We can agonize about the injustice of handing over so much of our love and support for months, years or decades to come to the horrific realization that all of this loving and giving amounted to nothing, and was never genuinely reciprocated by the very person who was meant to love us.

This situation proves to be one of the hardest to get past, and to come to terms with. We feel emotionally annihilated by this insane betrayal of what we thought our love with this person was.

As human beings with a conscience, compassion, and love to give, it feels unthinkable that another person is incapable of loving, or that they can profess love one minute, and do the exact opposite the next.

This insane version of love greatly disturbs our logic and destroys our emotions, because ‘love’ is the very essence of why we want to be in a relationship, connect, and share our lives with another person. Loving and being able to share love is as natural a desire for us as it is to breathe air.

When we look at our version of love, we have no ability to fathom, let alone accept, why the narcissist did not reciprocate love genuinely.

Understanding Why the Narcissist is Incapable of Love

To come to terms with why the narcissist never loved you, you must understand why he or she acts the way narcissists do.

• The narcissist does not operate as what we know is a ‘normal’ human being.
• The narcissist has no desire to allow love, teamwork, and co-operation into his or her life.
• The narcissist believes he or she must remain ‘separate’ in order to survive.
• The narcissist needs to dump his or her internal torment onto an intimate partner and make the other person at fault to try to relieve his or her tormented inner self.
• The narcissist needs to steal energy (‘narcissistic supply’) in order to attempt to fill their own pain of inner emptiness.
• The narcissist, due to internal emptiness needs to take energy, and doesn’t have the resources to give energy once having secured much needed supply.
• The narcissist through damaging a person close to them, experiences the omnipotent high of feeling significant enough to affect another person in this manner.
• The narcissist cannot genuinely feel love but knows how to feign it in order to secure attention and significance.
• Narcissists know that intimate people in their life, who are hooked, are the best targets to harvest as well as release internal anger, and that these people will hang around whilst it takes place.

From our own moral compass, these things seem horrific and unspeakable. The following information may be confrontation, but the reason I am expressing what I am about to say is because it will help you understand what narcissism is…

If we are all honest with ourselves – we know that the times when we feel empty, worthless, scared, and insecure that we may have acted in manipulative ways, and even hurt other people to try and feel better within ourselves.

Whether or not we were children or adults, we know our capacity to be immature and nasty. If we live our life through a lens of fear and victimized feelings, we feel separate, unworthy, and unlovable, and may act narcissistically when seeing other people as the enemy.

Hopefully, these times are momentary, and because we have a conscience, we often regret what we have done – and apologize and take responsibility. If we apply self-realization, we realize that these tactics of fear, separation and egoic defense mechanisms do not procure healthy results, and accordingly we decide to grow up.

Can you imagine what it would be like if you were stuck in this programming with no way out? This is exactly the reality for the narcissist who has such an over-developed, fearful, and aggressive ego and such a damaged, stunted and numb sense of connection, union and trust, that the narcissist simply cannot operate in any other way. If he or she momentarily does, as soon as self-loathing and fear re-surfaces (which are the narcissist’s powerful inner drivers) the old compulsions kick straight back into gear and constantly reassert.

Quite simply the narcissist can’t and doesn’t grow up.

You would have experienced this many times. Just when you think the narcissist gets it, takes responsibility for their poor behavior, and professes to change, Mister Hyde appears again, and you’re going back through the same abusive, non-sensical, and mind-bending patterns. You continually feel like you are battling with an irrational 5-year-old.

If you are honest with yourself – you know that this is not what ‘love’ is meant to be.

The truth of the matter is: the narcissist is incapable of love because the narcissist is incapable of loving and accepting his or herself. The enemy within becomes the enemy without – and everyone is the enemy because of this self-loathing – and as the intimate partner, this most definitely means you are the closest target on this list.

The first step in gaining relief from the torment of realizing “he or she never loved me,” is the acceptance of the truth that a narcissist does what a narcissist does, because they are a narcissist.

The Truth will always set you free…

Your Soul Truth

(Feel into this…)

When we resist The Truth, our healing process cannot begin, because we try to change ‘what is’ into a version of ‘what we want it to be.’ ‘What is’ simply is – and denial means our emotions and life will keep beating us up until we accept the truth. Delusion, denial, and non-acceptance are resistance which creates our self-disintegration, because we can never come to peace with our life in the now.

When we accept The Truth, we finally start to set ourselves free, take back our power and incorporate a version of ‘love’ that is going to work.

One thing is certain:

“You can’t make a narcissist love you, and in fact you can’t make anyone love you, you can only learn how to love yourself, and then people who are capable of genuine love will gravitate towards you.”

Like so many others, I used to see myself through others. I had numerous partners, even before the narcissist, whereby I only felt loved if they were loving me. I didn’t know how to have an authentic sense of love for myself. As a result, I would try to make people who didn’t have the resources love me and stayed attached to them in this futile exercise.

When I realized the truth, which all along was: This had always been about learning to Love Myself, everything shifted.

Allow me to share a story. This is the narcissist at her finest.

She told me coldly and casualy in the middle of a conversation (I wasn’t threatening to kill myself I just mentioned suicide as a generality): “I wouldn’t care if you committed suicide. Nobody would care. I hate you. My family hates you. You have no friends. And now your mother hates you. You are a loser.” I was in shock. I didn’t know she was a narcissist yet as I had never heard of the disorder before. I just couldn’t believe these words could come out of someone’s mouth. Now this wasn’t just someone. She had been my wife for several years. We had two sons. I froze for a bit. Then I confronted her about it in a confused way and she said, “If you kill yourself, you kill yourself, it’s your choice.” These people are pure evil. And they walk among us.

All of us who have suffered narcissistic abuse wanted to feel whole, safe, lovable, and ‘enough’ because of another person confirming this for us. The truth is, we hadn’t as yet confirmed these essential ‘self-commodities’ within ourselves. We hadn’t realized the absolute need to genuinely love, respect and back ourselves in order to receive more of that from others.

The realization ‘he or she never loved me’ is pointing us to the place of authenticity, and the way home to the love we really want to create in our life. The crippling pain (which is arguably like no other) has brought on the necessity to understand what we need to establish within ourselves.

When you do the work on this, you will know that it is irrelevant that the narcissist isn’t capable of love, in fact that is the narcissist’s issue and curse in life to bear (the inability to know, participate in and share genuine love), whereas you do have this ability, and you (unlike the narcissist) can turn your love experience around.

This is not about the narcissist – this was always about you. The narcissist was simply a catalyst showing you the truth. I say this because from the day we started going out she used to say, “It’s no longer about you.”

When you do the work on your inner, a person who is incapable of love will not be your reality. You will no longer agonize over the ‘what if’s’, ‘should have beens’, and “the wasted years of your effort and love,” and you will come home to yourself genuinely and create genuine love in your life.

Oh, and allow me to add, IT’S HARD!

Your healing is the need to let go of the need to gain yourself through love from the narcissist, and fully commit to the journey of loving yourself.

You can create real love from within, and this is the only place that manifests it genuinely from others. That is the life you deserve.

Once accepting and being at peace with ‘the narcissist didn’t love me,’ you have the golden opportunity to claim the gift of giving you back to loving yourself.