How did I go from a contented bachelor living in paradise to overworked/underappreciated husband, father, and sales professional to a guy sitting around writing essays about his ridiculous life?
Before 20 seasons as a West Boca Basketball Coach…Before learning how to install hurricane shutters…Before learning choices have consequences and wishing them away does not work…there was a young corporate sales professional chasing quotas (and woman) and looking to be the best.
I was always:
- Eager to close the next deal.
- Desperate for success and finding it (no matter how much alcohol the states of New York and Florida allowed me to consume).
- Listened to the wrong people.
Twenty years later I discovered how to tell my story in an unfiltered fashion so I no longer have to explain how I turned out this way.
The Narc and Me
You will read about The Narc in many of my essays. Why not? We were together for twenty years. How we co-created two of the most beautiful young men in the world will never be explained, but we did.
I was in a relationship with an energy vampire and withstood that energy drain for years. It took a toll but I refused to walk away from my two children, no matter the cost. I am not just talking about a little emotional or drained. We are talking about serious health consequences caused by this unbalanced relationship.
Energy vampires are people who — intentionally — drain your emotional energy. They feed on your willingness to listen and care for them, leaving you exhausted and overwhelmed.
The person who sucks the air out of the room!
They never accept culpability for their role in any disagreement or issue. You’re often left holding the guilt — and always the blame.
Here Come The Questions
So I ask myself, how could I have known? I reached a point of self-blame, wondering, how could I have not known; how could I have missed the red flags and written off such bad behavior for all this time? I lost friends, family, and jobs in the process.
To others living through narcissistic abuse, I say forgive yourself for not seeing who they really are. There will be much work for you to do to get a better understanding of what happened as you begin your healing process. Please don’t get stuck on the, “How could I have missed it” script because you will find it hard to become “battle-ready,” and that is where you need to be. Narcissists have a need to always win and, in their minds, winning at this will become a battle and an obsession. The tactics used by the person you thought loved you will leave you in shock, leave you confused and the level to which they lie will cut to your core.
My ex-narc communicated to anyone with two ears (family, religious leaders, strangers, I hesitate to say, friends, she had none) and told tales of abuse, drunkenness, and cruelty that did not exist.
And I ask myself over and over and over, “How could they believe her?” But they did.
Growing up
I am in the process of acknowledging the role my past played in this relationship.
Growing up in a home with verbally abusive parents, I never learned to love or respect myself. Verbal abuse was a normal part of my daily life. As a result, I was conditioned to accept derogation, living without healthy boundaries, and being treated without dignity and respect. Because of my past, I was blind to abuse.
Here comes the contradiction. I loved my parents. They were terrific and as you read my essays it will strike you as interesting that I spent more time with them than with friends. And that is how I walked away from the most wonderful woman I have ever known and the only woman I have ever loved, straight into the clutches of the energy vampire who had to be the center of attention—because she needed something called narcissistic supply to feel whole. Narcissistic supply can be thought of as a drug in the form of social admiration and attention.
People who are sensitive and compassionate are prime targets for energy vampires. You supply a listening ear, a kind heart, and endless energy.
In that way, energy vampires use your very nature against you, draining you of your vitality.
And now I ask one more question, “Does it really matter?”
Until it was addressed, no medication, diet, or amount of meditation and yoga could help.
That was me.
The beach was closed!