So, I’m a guy with low self-esteem. Sucks to be me. I’m saying that as a dude who used to hate himself. Stop. I still hate myself. I know. Boo hoo. Nobody cares. But exactly why do I hate myself? And why does it matter? I don’t have an answer. It just does. But I have narrowed it down, you know, the why.
Unhappy childhood where parents and siblings (or other significant people such as teachers and classmates) were extremely critical. Poor academic performance in school resulting in a lack of confidence. Ongoing stressful life event such as relationship breakdown or financial trouble.
I was in the greatest relationship ever. She was an angel. Let’s call her Mary. (If you have read any of my previous essays you know her real name, but I don’t think she needs any more publicity courtesy of me). Mary was such a pure, beautiful soul. We connected. I mean it took ten years. That’s right. Ten years. Oh, I always knew there was more when we were friends, but that has to do with the low self-esteem part. Looking into her eyes filled me with comfort and calmed my fears. I loved her so much. In fact, I loved her so much her mother started singing to me, “Somebody has a crush on my daughter” one morning while I was waiting for her to get ready. The reality is I still do. But I hated myself even more. Long story short – I ran away from her love. The love I felt unworthy of. I sought validation and distraction in alcohol, drugs, and career moves. And in many other dark ways I won’t mention.
Low self-esteem is easy to explain yet hard to understand for some. It’s feeling shameful about who you are. Feeling guilty or embarrassed about who you are, deep in your core. You feel ‘different.’ You feel damaged or flawed in fundamental, irreversible ways. You don’t love yourself. You may never admit it outright – but you wish you were someone else or you wish you were never born.
Alas, there’s no return policy in life. We’re stuck in this skin forever, and the hate, the self-pity – it gets us nowhere. But here’s the rub:
When a man is dealing with low self-esteem, he’ll make mistakes. Big mistakes. My shame and low self-esteem led me to become reckless. I felt a constant, nearly unbearable background anxiety. I had to make myself feel different. I had to escape. Luckily, there were several reliable methods: nonstop partying, irresponsible sex, working late hours and spending lots of money. My worst nightmare was being alone, in a quiet room. I couldn’t stand my own company. Maybe you or your girl feel the same way, I hope that is not the case. But my feelings aren’t unique. They can’t be.
The mistakes I made led to more shame and guilt. And then more mistakes were made running away from those feelings. The cycle continues. This leads to what I like to call the 5th dimension of shame. The hole can get so deep. The spiral of pain seems unstoppable.
Low self-esteem can manifest in a variety of ways. Every guy will act out in his own way. Some pull back and hide, some flee and seek experiences. Others party and rage or try to prove themselves at work. It’s troublesome for both the sufferer and the poor individual who loves them so much. Low self-esteem is tricky; the sufferer can distract himself or run away from it for years. He may not even realize the darkness he feels is low self-esteem. And it’s f*cking heartbreaking.
The Woman’s Guide
If you are a woman and you love him, he will need you to get through it. You may be able to show him the light. Don’t give up on him, he needs you. Many times, it will be confusing, and he may hurt you unintentionally. (Trust me, he doesn’t want to hurt you. He hurts enough just being himself.)
So, what have I done? I created a cheat sheet for a woman in love with this man to help get her through those tough times. And maybe to help him see the truth of his ways. I just had no idea about any of this all those years ago. And, while, as I said, I am far from complete, far from evolved, I now understand to a degree what this can lead to.
And Away We Go
He loves you so much but hates himself even more.
He’s lost. You two may have such an obvious, beautiful opportunity for love but he squanders it. He only sees his own shortcomings. His pain and depression are like a dark, heavy, thick blanket that he just can’t shake. But like I said, he may not even realize it. He’s not trying to mess with your head. He’s not unreachable. However, he is in a state of constant anxiety, always wishing he could be someone he loves. If you say, ‘I love you,’ he probably thinks: ‘Why would you? You can’t. You’re wrong. Why would anybody love me?’
He yearns to love himself, and the struggle to do that can ruin your relationship. This should be a good thing, right? Not all men act out this feeling in healthy ways. It will be hard but think about their perspective. If they don’t love themselves maybe you can do something to help them. If you love him, do what you can to help his heart. Buy him books on spirituality, and ask him how he feels about himself. Listen, and if required seek the help of a licensed therapist or psychologist.
He may seek attention outside the relationship, or activities without you.
Maybe he likes attention from others, flirtation, and come-hither looks. I hope you haven’t caught him on dating sites or apps. That was not me. I had the only woman I ever loved. I just wanted to sabotage it. We all like to be told we look good, or our work is good, or how funny we are. Point is, he’s just crazy for attention.
He seeks attention and approval from other people – but what about you? Self-esteem is a real b*tch. He thinks he must either prove to himself that he’s worthy or look for evidence of it anywhere he can. ‘If other people tell me I’m great, then that must mean I’m great.’ (I mean we don’t say that but that is what we feel).
It may be common sense to you – that we should all love and respect ourselves as human beings. But to a sufferer of low self-esteem, this isn’t the case. Having low self-esteem is like being in a courtroom. And you’re guilty until proven innocent. He’s shameful at the core of his being. His soul appears blackened, damaged, and irreparable. He craves escapes from reality.
Try to talk with him about this. ‘I think you act like this because you like how it makes you feel, right? Why do you need to feel this way? Can’t you just be yourself, how you feel now?’ ‘Why aren’t I enough?’ ‘Do you need help learning to love yourself?’
If your man can’t handle this conversation, consider moving on. He’s not ready. It must be him who makes the changes necessary to heal. It is never on your shoulders to do this for him.
He believes he ‘got lucky.’ He feels unworthy of you.
He cherished you. You were his prize. He held you close and showed you off to the world. It was intoxicating and intense. But soon, he knew he ‘had you’ and began questioning why. Why were you going out with him? You are beautiful. He is not beautiful. “I am so unworthy of dating her. Why would anybody believe I could date her? This is so wrong. Why is she settling for me? She can get any guy she wants. Why is she slumming with me?”
I had an amazing partner in Mary, but I didn’t believe I was worthy. She could see the man I was, beyond the shitstorm that was my life. She saw through my shame and self-hatred, but I couldn’t buy it. I was too deep in my own trance.
I thought I was lucky, that I’d fooled her somehow. So, I needed to prove I could be worthy of someone so amazing. Sounds stupid now. I wanted to be able to ‘earn someone’ who everyone else wanted, to prove to myself that I was a valuable man. It would be at that point that I could love myself.
In my case, upon ghosting her (can you imagine? I just left. Disappeared. Walked away), I found her complete opposite. The most narcissistic woman who ever walked the planet. (Please see previous essays). By the conclusion of that relationship, she had broken me, taken everything I owned, helped me lose everyone who ever mattered in my life, relentlessly told friends and neighbors what an abusive selfish person I was and made sure that our two sons will never speak to me again.
Remember that this isn’t about you – this is about a hole he has in his heart. He needs to know that he didn’t just ‘get lucky’ when he landed you. Don’t let him feel that way! Please, tell him you love him. Tell him everything you think is unique and enticing about him. Don’t make it only about appearance either. If he feels like he fooled you, he will not treat the relationship with the respect it deserves. This is an important point.
He may be restless, or always trying to prove something to the world or himself.
Some call it ‘hustle’ or ambition. Maybe he has grand ideas or entrepreneurial zeal up the wazoo. He wants to create something that will change the world. That’s wonderful, but in his case, it may be a cover-up: a distraction from voices in his head. The voices that say, ‘you’re not enough.’ He’s trying to create a life that will prove his worth.
He doesn’t want a life without you. His big dreams or grandiose desires get him out of his head. They give him hope that maybe one day, just maybe he will be able to like the man he is. After he does all this awesome stuff.
There is nothing wrong with drive and initiative. But why is he so driven? Why does he desire so much? If we bothered to ask ourselves ‘why’ we want the things we do, we could save ourselves much heartbreak. We’d stop running after so many shiny red balls. We could live with more purpose. Your guy should ask himself why he wants to accomplish so much.
To bring him down to earth, remind him how much life there is to live right now, at this moment. This moment, between the two of you. Kiss his lips, hold his hand. Tousle that hair and look deep into those eyes you love so much. Say, ‘I love you for exactly who you are, right now.’ Tell him he is enough.
The point isn’t to make him an aimless, lazy ass. It’s to make sure he has his motivation and priorities in the right place.
My ex, Mary, had to think that I was always perfect and wonderful. She was my entire support system and my source of confidence and security. She was my everything. (And yet I treated her awfully – aren’t men the greatest?)
If I felt threatened or not number one important in her life, I would start to lose my sh*t. The low self-esteem inside your man creates an enormous hole. He filled it with you and sprinkles in other things like vices and attention from others. When you threaten to leave them empty again, they go crazy or become irrational.
He doesn’t want you to suffer. Nor does he want to dominate you. He doesn’t know why he feels this way, but it’s because he hates who he is. In effect it’s self-defense, your actions hurt him. It’s painful enough just being who he is – when you threaten to make him feel even worse about himself … he lashes out or gets uncomfortable.
Nothing about this is okay. I’m only telling you the truth.
It can be near impossible to get him living ‘in the moment.’
Many guys with low self-esteem are living in the past. He may be guilt-ridden and woeful over opportunities he failed to seize. Maybe he regrets not doing better in school or choosing a better college. He might feel like a failure and a disappointment to his family. Who knows, the point is he rides himself down all the time.
Alternately, he’s living in the future. He dreams of a day when he can ‘be happy.’ You may feel sad because it seems all he cares about is making lots of money, accomplishments, or fame. Or making his family proud. He may seem to leave you out of his utopian vision of the future. But he probably just feels he’s only worthy of you once he conquers the world. He feels he’s unworthy of happiness until he proves himself. These thoughts consume him and he’s desperate for that sweet moment of relief when he’s ‘made it.’ Problem: it’s never coming.
True commitment scares the sh*t out of him – but not for the reason you think.
In my relationship, I was afraid because I didn’t know who the hell I was. The only parts of myself I knew were sh*t. I didn’t feel like a good person, so who would want to be with me? I convinced myself that I was helping by not giving her marriage or children. By not giving her 100% true commitment I was doing her a favor. (What an a-hole).
I didn’t believe in myself. I had no faith in my own goodness or potential. I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle the hard times that would come. My feelings were that ‘everything I touch turns to sh*t, so why would I waste her time? It’s doomed from the start, and I do not want to hurt her.’
No advice here, no matter what, he’s going to give you the deer in the headlights look. Knowing this may help you understand the complexity of a man. He needs to learn to love himself through the hard times before he can love you through the hard times.
He adores you – but he needs to learn how to love himself.
Your guy must learn to love himself. This includes all the deepest and darkest parts too, the parts that scare him to death. “The unfaced and unfelt parts of our psyche are the source of all neurosis and suffering.” Carl Jung said that, not me.
If he only loves a certain part of himself like his looks, the rest of him will just go on undeveloped. In many ways, I was like a child. I avoided pain or sacrifice every chance I could, and I turned into a big man-child. If this is happening to your man, you must stop it right away.
In the end, you can get over this together. The bond between you will be unbreakable, and he will love you forever. He’ll never forget that you were the girl who helped him discover the greatest love in the universe. His love for himself. Hang in there but develop a plan right away. Not only is he suffering, but you are as well. Act now. If he refuses to draw a line in the sand and change his life, it may be time to walk away.
But think about this, if you tell him or told him you love him without reason, your love transcends this world, it’s beyond the imagination, or more eloquently put “you love unconditionally.” It will mean he can do anything and everything and you’ll still love him. This is great, it’s romantic.
At the end of the day, it’s life. It’s worth it.
The conclusion is that “you’re too good for me” is a function of self-esteem, but how would you react if you found out that someone you were dating was somehow truly exceptional at something (career, brains, emotional, whatever)? This sometimes comes out in dating profiles as “must have your life together” on a lesser level.
So why walk away from someone for being exceedingly good at something, even if it’s just living their best life? I think that was it. She was just really good at it and I was intimidated.
(I might also be under the influence of old happy hardcore and wanting everybody to be in love at the moment.)