According to the Mayo Clinic narcissistic personality disorder is defined as “a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders adds further insight, classifying the nine criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. An individual must meet only five to be clinically diagnosed as a narcissist.
The criteria are:
- grandiose sense of self-importance.
- preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
- belief they’re special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions.
- need for excessive admiration.
- sense of entitlement.
- interpersonally exploitative behavior.
- lack of empathy.
- envy of others or a belief that others are envious of them.
- demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes.
What does this mean for their relationships?
Since narcissists can’t develop the ability to empathize with others, they can never learn to love.
Narcissists also view the world in a binary manner: Things are either viewed as special/ideal/perfect or worthless/harmful/garbage. There is no in-between, and they treat their children according to those extremes.
This leaves their children wanting desperately to please them (to be on the “love” side of the spectrum, rather than the darker, more hateful side) and they’ll even let their narcissistic parent control their lives, just to keep things running smoothly. Likewise, if kids cater to the narcissist’s needs and make them feel good about themselves, they’re more likely to respond positively, making the child’s home life more harmonious.
But as kids grow up, they become stronger, more confident, braver. Narcissistic parents see their children’s independence as a direct threat to the control they want or need over their lives.
Out of desperation to retain control, narcissists will try to deliberately sabotage their child’s sense of self-worth. Some of the common tactics they use include creating unhealthy competitions, using guilt and blame, giving ultimatums, and/or putting their child down (by telling them they’re fat, ugly, useless, stupid, etc.) to try to keep their child’s confidence low.
And so it goes
I love my two sons. I hope one day, they will understand my love for them is unconditional. I stayed in my marriage because I could not conceptualize the thought of not seeing them after work…not hearing about their day…not watching basketball with them…not driving them to school…not, well, you get the idea.
The Narc threatened divorce on a regular basis. She would yell at me about minutia. (When a friend dropped an ice cube on the kitchen floor, she went off on how the floor was now ruined and since he was my friend, she wanted a divorce or how the chicken I cooked on the grill was not done well enough for her and she would develop botulism or perhaps the hotdogs were so cold she would have to heat hers in the microwave). Her anger, unfiltered with those threats of divorce when our boys were 6 and 4 became too much for them to hear. So, I vowed to them (and me) no divorce was coming. Hmm. Them and me?
Her anger towards me was always there. Let me repeat that. It was always there. Well, not always. During the love bombing portion of our program, I could do no wrong. She wanted to get married before we ever met!
Once she convinced my parents I should buy a ring, love bombing over. She made it noticeably clear she would be running the show and she did not like the way the show was running. Changes were on the horizon. The constant texts and phone calls throughout the day were nonstop. Don’t answer? She will call back and call back and call back demanding answers. Don’t challenge the energy of The Narc. It can appear endless.
What were the questions?
They ranged from “what time are you coming home?” to “where are you?” to “my father’s here and he is having a problem with the remote. You need to help him…now!”
But I stayed. Nothing was more important to me than those boys. They were my life. They are my life. It’s like I said, love for a child is unconditional. They will become parents and learn it one day for themselves. Maybe that is when they will ask themselves why their old man was such a jackass. But now, it is so hard getting through the days knowing nothing about them. (And The Narc. She was good. She was not good at much but she was good at “how can I hurt my ex-nice guy?” She had them block me not only from their phones but from their social media. Their social media! I’ll say this. That woman knows how to inflict pain. She would have been terrific at Gitmo!)
On a side note that is only now adding clarity to my life. I must have blocked it out during the divorce and recovery phase over the past few years. But one day, during meditation, it hit me. It was like a punch in the face.
“Do not expect to see them once we are divorced. I will make sure they despise you. They will know exactly what you are…what your family is. All of you are disgusting.”
Lovely words to hear on a Saturday morning from the woman who did everything in her power to get me to marry her.
But she did it. Co-parenting Agreement? “Screw that.”
See them on weekends? “They are not ready to see you.” (Truth be told, she would send that text message every Friday. Court? Tried it. More on that later).
My oldest just celebrated his 21st birthday. He still ignores my texts and birthday cards.
The 19-year-old? It was explained to him in detail that his father is Hitler, Stalin, and Osama Bin Laden all rolled into one.
It’s a losing battle.
Narcissists dwell in anger and live for vengeance. They must be the winner, the best, and take great pleasure in tormenting you…still. Years could pass, but a narcissist can be unrelenting.
They view themselves as special, entitled, and above others…everyone else is simply inferior. They manipulate reality (lie and cheat), then justify it to themselves and others to make their wretchedness seem necessary and okay.
Until your children become adults, your narcissist co-parent will be in your life, and in the lives of your children. It’s like a nightmare you can’t wake up from.
While you can’t change your ex or make them aware of their problem (haven’t you learned this already!?), there are things you can try to set boundaries, protect yourself, and protect your children. All learned the hard way.
Should you try to prove to the court that your co-parent has a personality disorder like narcissism?
This is a REALLY tough one to answer. When the abuse is not physical, a personality disorder like NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) is a hard thing to prove.
Because a narcissist isn’t willingly going to seek therapy for self-improvement (they’re perfect, the problem is everyone else), there likely won’t be an official, clinical diagnosis.
Do, however, keep a sharp attorney, one with experience in dealing with toxic individuals, on speed dial.
The problem with proving narcissistic personality disorder in court is the time, expense, and difficulty to prove it.
The effort will be exhausting and expensive and, in the end, could prove futile. The family court system simply isn’t set up to deal with the sh*t-storm associated with narcissism or other personality disorders, for that matter.
Highly skilled NPD charmers easily dupe the courts, like they do most people. A judge may not see that your NPD co-parent is simply using the court to torture and control you through the kids.
I’ve known a few brave souls to attempt to prove to a judge that their ex is indeed a raging narcissist. None could. In fact, one brave woman tried for over four years – court dates, mandated evaluations, even lobbying government – but nothing came of it.
How do they get away with it?
Your narcissistic co-parent will use their talent for manipulation and deception to concoct the perfect parent persona- only interested in the best interest of the kids…all the while you know it’s a load of Bull Shit.
But what the court CAN do is order both parents into co-parenting counseling, which may or may not help (probably the latter). In most cases, your ex won’t even show up for a single session. If they do, expect that they will devalue the therapist, petition the court for a different one, and then just stop coming altogether. What they want is a therapist who they can manipulate for their own agenda. (She never showed).
A judge could also place your child on the witness stand. When answering questions in front of the NPD parent, you know there is a power play going on right in front of you. But most people can’t see how the very presence of an NPD can be so conniving, powerful, and threatening to a child. It’s hard to see how scared the child is, and how they are totally under the NPD parent’s control. With one look, the child is ‘told’ what to say – agreeing with and validating everything the NPD’s side says.
Until family law has a better way to recognize and deal with narcissistic parents, you’ll likely be forced to share parenting time 50/50 or in my case, the only Co-parenting Agreement that was 100-0. But let’s give her credit. Do you know how hard she had to work daily to get both teenage boys to despise me, I mean absolutely detest their father? Every day was another reminder until they bought in and agreed against the court order to block their phones and ignore texts and tell their teachers how awful I am.
And to be fair, I have low self-esteem. I rarely fight. I did reach out to my attorney but when he said that she was ignoring the court orders and the possibility of her doing it again and again was realistic especially as they were approaching 18 and court dates were tough to get. “Save your money.”
Please keep in mind as far as The Narc was concerned, she was awarded sole custody from the monster she married. “And,” she would explain to anyone who would listen, “He never paid child support. I took him to court three times.”
She did take me to court three times. Each time I stopped by the clerk of the court and asked for an updated status of my payments. After she explained how I was not paying to the court, I handed the document to the magistrate and while she looked at it, listened to The Narc’s matrimonial attorney explain how I was a liar, and the document was forged.
Having a good day? Go to court with your ex-wife’s attorney. He will explain to the court how society would be better off without you. Each victory was more painful than the last.
Narcissists as Parents
The most unfortunate part of all is that being raised by a narcissistic parent is tough on children. Really tough.
A narcissistic parent is a system gone wrong. Instead of a parent putting the needs of the children before their own, the child is groomed to take care of the needs of the narcissist parent. This creates a toxic bond that can have long-term consequences.
Narcissistic parents often view their children as an extension of themselves and try to control or manipulate them into being who they want them to be.
The level of manipulation, brainwashing, demoralizing, and self-esteem destruction that a narcissistic parent inflicts upon a child is sadistic.
I seriously am scared. I will always be ready to explain things to the boys (they are young men now, but they are my boys) or to listen to them or go for a walk and say nothing. How much longer before they look back at me as nothing more than the sperm donor who created them and then tried his best to ruin them.
Here is another fear. Will they turn into her?
Different types of narcissists (can) produce different types of children.
The High-Functioning, Achievement-Obsessed NPD Parent
This type of NPD parent is driven to succeed (at least outwardly) at all costs. He/she is usually a CEO and expects his/her children to become CEO. Everyone in their family must look the part and be THE BEST. They need Trophy Kids!
They insist their children conform to what they want for the child, with little regard for what the child wants for themselves in life.
They insist that their offspring be ‘better than’ and admired by others; Outward appearance and image are everything.
The children are praised and loved ONLY when they toe the line.
With this type, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. The children tend to become high-functioning narcissists themselves or could rebel eventually.
The ‘I am God, I must be worshiped by all’ NPD Parent.
This type of NPD parent demands admiration, from everyone, especially from their offspring. It’s the NPD’s world and everyone else in the household is allowed to live in it, as long they know who is king (or queen).
When the child dares to offer an opinion that differs or disobeys an order, they will be devalued. Conversely, when they are good little worshipers, they get rewarded with love, gifts, and attention.
Children raised by this type tend to have lower self-esteem, as they are never allowed to feel special or celebrated for being themselves.
They may doubt their self-worth and stay in that role. Or they may become determined to achieve greatness in order to prove something to their parent, but still, can always feel an underlying sense of ‘not quite good enough.’
The Covert NPD Parent
The covert NPD is more under the radar, especially is their public persona. But at home, they can divide and conquer. They’ll choose a favorite, a golden child, then devalue the rest of the siblings who aren’t as outwarded talented and vivacious.
They see the golden child as their pride and joy and shower them with praise; They are never criticized. The NPD views this ‘chosen one’ as an extension of themselves.
This child can go on to become confident and successful. Or, one day they may realize that they are not the best at everything, and other people may be just as talented, or more so. They will feel confused and angry when the world doesn’t bow at their feet the way they are accustomed to.
Then there are the ‘others.’ The other siblings who don’t measure up to the golden child can grow up feeling ignored, and not important.
Overt, Devaluing NPD Parent
This parent’s message to their children is that they are not good enough and that they will never be good enough. They blame their own bad behavior or disappointments on the children. If only that child were smarter, better, more this, more that, less this, less that – then things would be good.
These children will internalize this message and self- esteem could always remain slightly out of reach.
Neglectful NPD Parent
This is where things get very scary. Since this NPD is only looking out for numero uno (themselves), they may neglect the children completely.
At best, they leave their kids in the care of nannies or of other functioning adults, and at worst – all out neglect.
At an early age, these children realize they are on their own in this world, and they must take care of themselves, and any younger siblings.
They learn that the parent is basically useless and cannot be relied on. These children literally take life into their own hands. They can become resilient, resourceful and strongly independent.
When they become adults, they realize that their childhood made them mistrustful, and it can be hard for them to get close to people. The ones who had to take care of younger siblings too usually never want children of their own.
Malignant NPD Parent
These parents are extremely toxic and dangerous to children. They treat their kids as slaves and punching bags, as tools who have zero feelings. The children are there to serve them. This type of NPD can be physically abusive.
If you suspect even a morsel of physical abuse, GET HELP IMMEDIATELY. Talk to your lawyer about getting the children removed asap.
Engage other resources to help as well.
Therapy, Therapy, Therapy
Your kids will need it. Heck, don’t you? Living with any type of narcissist can be damaging to one’s sense of self. Imagine being (partly) raised by one.
A good therapist can help mitigate the horrid impact that a narcissistic parent has on the emotional health of your children.
Get them to go once a week, if possible, for as long as they need…which may be well into adulthood. Think of therapy as damage-control – the sooner you start, the better.
Money: They still want to make you pay. Literally.
Your ex-NPD will still want to control everything financial. They feel entitled to your money too. If you were a stay-at-home parent, chances are they don’t see it as ‘your’ money anyways. (Don’t try to explain the concept of community property to a narcissist. Trust me, I’ve tried!)
Even if you make a tiny fraction of what your ex makes, they’ll insist you pay 50% of everything. My ex once sent me a bill for a pair of socks and a hair bow.
Expect them to sign the kids up for club sports and fancy camps and insist you pay half. They’ll know you really can’t afford it, though they easily can.
Do I have your attention? Okay, here it is. My life with The Narc. Well, I should say, my life afterwards (and remember there is no way to fight back which is the point of No Contact).
They will be persistent; they don’t tire easily in their constant campaigning against you.
My ex-narc loves to sow those rumor seeds. Spreading lies about me gives her joy.
They will present themselves as innocent victims of their evil ex (yes, you). They are brilliant when it comes to manipulating situations/people and twisting the facts to fit their confabulated narrative.
Narcissists will have a nonstop and well-rehearsed litany of complaints about you to spew to anyone within earshot, all the while making themselves appear to be the perfect parent.
They will tell people that the divorce was all your fault. Poor little them – abandoned and discarded for no reason at all. And people will believe them, for they are awfully good at what they do.
They will trash you as a parent to other parents around town. And if you’ve moved on with someone else, they will trash your new partner, too.
Mine told parents in my son’s class what an awful parent I was. Some believed him, others managed to keep their distance when they saw me at school.
They will trash you to your own children
I’ve learned to live with the gossip and side-eyes. But even more damaging (abusive actually) is that a narcissistic co-parent will speak badly about you to your own kids.
They do this to ‘win’ love by trying to ‘steal’ love away from you. Insane thinking, I know. Do they not know love is limitless? They believe that by making you look bad, they look better. And an NPD always must be ‘better than’ at all times.
NPDs will continue to do what they do best: triangulate, trash talk, and control. Only now that the focus is off you, it needs redirection. Every good narcissist needs a target, and it could be your kids.
Her tactics worked on both of my kids. And then she enlisted her family. Everyone! Let’s analyze. As I have said in previous essays, she took everything from me. She separated me from everyone in my universe leaving me with nobody.
How brilliant! Separate you from everything and everyone and then strong-armed by her family. (Remember as a kid when everyone would pile on the guy carrying the ball? You cannot win).
A narcissist acts like a general – and every general needs loyal soldiers. When she’s angry with me, she must be too. When she calls for a cease-fire (usually because she wants something from me), only then can she be at ease. She reinforces how the divorce was all my fault time and time again – keeping me the enemy.
Parental Alienation
This is one of the most heart-breaking things that can happen to a family. The loss of the loving parent-child relationship you once knew gone, all because your ex had to ‘win’.
The loss of laughter, of hugs, of genuine bonding and conversation feels like the surgical removal of your heart (performed without any anesthesia while you’re wide awake). The loss of precious time with your child is time you can never get back. I must repeat it because it is all I ever think about. The loss of precious time with your child is time you can never get back.
Much like with NPD in the hands of the family court system, parental alienation is also a hard thing to recognize and prove. Even though it is generally accepted that victims of a narcissist can develop an array of mental health issues, depression, and anxiety, the courts don’t really recognize parental alienation as a real thing, sadly.
That’s the problem here
When children (whether 2 or 13 or 21) hear only one side of the story, they’re left to cope on their own with incomplete information. Although The Narc’s family continues to explain all of my faults as per The Narc’s wishes.
So, it’s been suggested that rather than take a passive approach to try to maintain some harmony, it’s important that parents in this situation step up and find some way to communicate to their children. I was told rather than waiting for the day my sons feel a need to talk to their father, I try a more active approach in which I’m careful not to put down their mother, but to find a way to communicate. “You don’t have to tell your side of the story, but you do need to introduce the idea that there is another side to the story.”
The exact words by this person were as follows: “It’s so important in this moment to get the message across to your children — by email, through an intermediary, directly — that, my love for you is sacred, it’s permanent, and I am eagerly awaiting with an open heart the moment when you are ready to enact that love with me.”
Easy for that guy. He’s never been shut down by rage, gaslighting, and smear campaigns to The Narc’s family, community, and his kids.
So, if given the opportunity. If my adult sons were curious about me, just what would I say?
“I understand you’re dealing with a lot of pain right now, and I am so sorry that I have hurt you. When you are ready, I hope you would be willing to meet with me to talk about it. Please let me know when you are. I love and miss you.”
As for now, well, I’ll continue to wakeup crying. I’m told it’s a sign of depression. To get past it I focus on something, anything good. Pam? Yes, I think about her a good deal. The boys? I imagine a day. A pretty day. We are walking on the beach, talking about nothing. Suddenly Andrew says, “Mac and cheese.” Without missing a beat, I say, “It’s my turn. Mashed potatoes and gravy.” We repeat it a few times like we used to when they were younger and we watched the KFC commercial. A few more seconds and Andrew sings, “877-CASH NOW. 877-CASH NOW!” Another commercial we used to laugh about.
Alex? He does his best John Sterling imitation. The legendary radio voice of the New York Yankees has a silly way he calls homeruns and ends games and when Alex was younger, we used to swim in the pool while listening to the games.
“Ball game over. The Yankees win. Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Yankeeeeeees win!”
That’s it. The ice is broken. A guy can dream, can’t he?