It was an epiphany

I had an epiphany the other day. Before continuing, I’ll be honest, I had to look it up as well. In the playground in my mind, I’m wondering: “What do you mean by ‘epiphany,’ exactly?”

Everyone from Bill Gates to WhatsApp co-founder Jan Koum, is talking about realizations and awakenings, and many times these are referred to as “aha moments.” But to me, that term is a little more casual and speaks more to everyday insights. By epiphanies I mean the major, life-changing revelations that have had the greatest impact on our lives.

It’s been interesting to notice that every single person I’ve talked to or read about, whether the person has spiritual beliefs or not, speaks of these kinds of moments with a sense of reverence. In fact, yesterday I learned Woody Harrelson discovered he had a father who was a notorious gangster. He had no idea about him because his mother had hidden and denied it for most of his life. Harrelson said several times with tears in his eyes that he had an epiphany upon leaving his mother’s home after speaking with her about it. His realization was that their mother couldn’t fully embrace this man because she was carrying so much shame about it and couldn’t let it go.

Harrelson realized his mother was stuck because of her shame and revealed that she recognized this because she also once had carried a burden of shame for marrying a gangster. Harrelson did not use the term “aha moment” in talking about this powerful and extremely personal story. To describe this profound and emotional moment of revelation about his mother, Harrelson used the term “epiphany.”

A History of the “Epiphany”

The word “epiphany” has a deep, archetypal resonance for us, dating back to ancient Greece. It comes from the Greek “epiphaneia,” meaning “appearance” or “manifestation,” and referred to the revelations brought to us by the gods. “Epiphany,” when it’s capitalized, is the name of the Christian church celebration of the three wise men or magi coming to see the baby Jesus in Bethlehem. This is usually celebrated on January 6, which in the Western church calendar starts an Epiphany season that lasts until the first day of Lent. The Epiphany season is a season of new beginnings; after the visit of the magi, church feast days and readings recount the baptism of Jesus by John the Baptist, and Jesus’ first public miracle at Cana, where he turned water into wine.

“Epiphany” was first seen in English around 1310. For about 300 years, it meant the religious feast day and nothing else. By the mid-1600s, epiphany—with a lowercase e—was being used to refer to other manifestations of Christ and to appearances of divine beings in other religions. Since the 19th century, the meanings of epiphany began expanding. Writers such as Thomas De Quincey (who wrote of “bright epiphanies of the Grecian intellect”) and William Wordsworth, and later James Joyce (who wrote that epiphanies “are the most delicate and evanescent of moments”) and John Updike, helped broaden the definition of epiphany to include the secular realm.

The Definitions of “Epiphany”

Today “epiphany” carries a range of meanings, including “an intuitive grasp of reality,” “an illuminating discovery, realization, disclosure, or insight,” or simply “a revealing scene or moment.” My definition of an epiphany is “a moment of sudden or great revelation that usually changes you in some way.”

One of my favorite definitions is from Maya Angelou:

“It probably has a million definitions. It’s the occurrence when the mind, the body, the heart, and the soul focus together and see an old thing in a new way.”

Someone I was speaking  to defined an epiphany as “a miracle of thought.” I find this definition beautiful and promptly wrote it down. I’m constantly hearing new definitions and ways of expressing what these moments are to people and am always redefining them for myself. They are all a little different for everyone, yet all are also accurate.

I love this about the nature of epiphanies. They reflect us. They are all different and unique in how they come to people. No two people’s stories are the same. We are all so very different in backgrounds, experiences, beliefs, etc. but the core of these epiphanies, if you really ask what someone learned or about the wisdom gained, always boils down to a universal wisdom or truth we can all relate to. It’s just like us—we’re all so different and unique yet all so very similar. The goal of talking about our stories, and about epiphanies, is to understand, honor, and respect both our differences and our likenesses—and to celebrate them.

How are we different? How are we the same? What can we learn from one another about ourselves, about our fellow man and about the world around us in talking about these moments and insights? A lot. At least that’s been my experience.

Want one more? Doctor Oz summarizes it perfectly: “The goal is to move from just knowledge, which is information, to understanding, which is awareness.”

No Thought of Me

From my early childhood days through today, I rarely think of myself. I was that invisible guy in school just hoping to make it through the day without anybody making fun of me. I fit into none of the typical high school clicks or groups. I wasn’t a jock. I wasn’t a JAP (Jewish American Prince/Princess). I wasn’t particularly good looking (unless you think of tall, big hair as it was the end of the 70s, skinny, who rarely opened his mouth as a good look). I wasn’t even a nerd. The nerds wouldn’t have anything to do with me. Back at Hewlett High School, you qualified as a nerd if you scored 1520 or above on your SAT and made physics jokes. I was more than satisfied with a score of 1100. My mother and father never understood it. How could I break 1000? They sent my older brother to Stanley Kaplan for SAT preparation, and he managed an 860. My sister? I’m not sure if she even took the SAT.

I asked my mother if I could take a prep course prior to the preliminary SAT and was told there was no need. My score indicated otherwise but she was not buying it. “Just read the dictionary,” I was told with feigned enthusiasm.

I somehow made it to the working world and was still limited in my ability to speak and with no confidence this was not exactly the ideal qualification for a sales job, which I learned would hire almost anybody. But I succeeded. It took time but I learned how to create need. I learned how to pay rent. I learned how to beg my father to help me out on those months I had to decide whether paying rent or eating food was more important. (Luckily those were only months with three or more syllables).

It’s Not About You

It’s been four plus years since I left my ex-wife, a.k.a. the narcissist in my life. I cannot fully express the journey it has been—physically, emotionally, logistically, financially—and I am grateful for each day that I do not have to suffer her abuse. For years, I was subject to her constant criticism, double standards, mood swings, gaslighting, and the charming mask she applied in public and in front of me to cover her own dark center. I lived in a state of confusion and paralysis, as well as shock when the mask began to fall off.

I would be lying if I told you I was fully healed. I’m not. I still have bad days. I still doubt myself. I still have a hard time identifying red flags in others. I still have work to do on fortifying my boundaries. Sometimes I’m convinced that every woman I meet or speak with is a narcissist in disguise. It is terrifying to realize that the person you thought you knew best was not actually that person at all, and so I remain fearful of being conned the way I was by my ex-wife.

“It’s not about you anymore,” she used to say as I looked around the room wondering who she was talking to. Nothing, I repeat nothing in my life was ever about me. Everyone but The Narc seemed to understand this.

But as the months and years have ticked by, the true “self” of the narcissist has become easier for me to see. It has taken a significant amount of time and experience, but it’s as though I’ve made it out of the dark woods; and in the light, the big, bad wolf suddenly appears crystal clear.

Here’s What I’ve Learned About Narcissists Over the Years

It’s an energy game. For a narcissist whose entire life revolves around creating chaos, the name of the game centers around one thing and one thing only: narcissistic supply. That is a fancy way of describing the “energy” that sustains the narcissist. And if you’re thinking of vampires right now, you’re not alone. Narcissists, whether men or women, are often referred to as energy vampires. Energy vampires are people who — sometimes intentionally — drain your emotional energy. They feed on your willingness to listen and care for them, leaving you exhausted and overwhelmed.

The narcissist doesn’t care where the energy comes from, just that there’s a hefty supply of it. When she runs low—when people leave her or finally see through her façade—she goes searching for new narcissistic supply. It can come from a variety of situations, all of them carefully manufactured by the narcissist: charming a new lover, ignoring a court order, filing bogus charges, making threats, or spreading lies in the community.

Sometimes this energy supply comes from the narcissist’s obsession with new, grandiose ideas—a business plan, a new flashy purchase, or the impulse to take a fancy vacation, for example. For those operating in her immediate orbit, these spurts can feel exciting. Because the narcissist displays an extreme (sometimes false) confidence about her ability to succeed, she can convince investors and family members to sign onto her exciting new ideas.

The Narcissist Follows a Predictable Cycle

Although the narcissist loves to behave erratically as a power play, there is an inherent predictability to her behavior. The further away you step from the narcissist, the clearer this cycle becomes. It is a completely unsustainable cycle, built on the narcissist’s need for more and more (and more!) energy. And, as a very good friend often says, “She will self-destruct on her own. Just get out of her way.”

The narcissist becomes triggered by external stressors or life events. If you’ve been involved with a narcissist, you might have noticed her abusive behavior escalating during major life events—a wedding, the birth of a baby, the purchase of a new home, the start of a new job. If a narcissist is pushed or “called out” by colleagues or family members, her abuse will also escalate.

This cycle looks like the cycle of abuse: tension building, explosion/abuse, and the honeymoon period. The abuser uses various abusive or manipulative tactics to cause anxiety, provoke fear, and eventually charm and reel back in his victims.

As you untangle yourself from the narcissist, you’ll notice this cycle played out in other areas of this person’s life, such as work, familial relationships, and new love interests. At this point in the cycle, I’ve watched my ex-narc love-bomb and ditch friends, discard family members and then pull them back in when she needs money or allegiance and charm her way into a job only to create significant chaos and then quit in a dramatic way. If the narcissist suddenly begins sending you a barrage of abusive e-mails or makes bizarre court maneuvers, you can guess that something else in her life is triggering it. Remember that it’s never about you. (She summoned me three times to court about child support and all three times I stopped off at the clerk of the court and for a two-dollar fee was given a payout showing I was in the black).

There is Nothing in there Except for a Wounded Child

For as much pain and confusion as they create, narcissists are simple. They are hollow and empty—wounded children who never grew up. They are all smoke and mirrors—deflecting, manipulating, lying, making excuses, blaming others, fighting with force. That is the only way they feel in control of their lives. Narcissists are highly stunted and underdeveloped human beings, who—with the right amount of resources—can do a huge amount of damage to workplaces, relationships, families, and even their own children. (Her cousin set her and another cousin up in his law firm. It took two months for her to be suspended and then fired…from a family business. The firm refused to tell her. They told me. The husband. All I heard that night was everything wrong with the place and the people. Not one, “Gee, maybe I was wrong.”)

But remember this: Because they don’t know how to bend or compromise, “flexibility” not being a concept they can grasp, they will eventually break. Because they see the world only in black and white, they will never experience the many beautiful shades of gray. Because they don’t know how to empathize, give without expecting something in return, or even celebrate the successes of others—they will never know true love or friendship.

Back to My Epiphany

I could not figure out how I ended up with this person. One night it hit me. Like a blow to the side of the head. Wham! Narcissists want to have their own way. They tend to be rule-oriented and controlling. They are inflexible. It benefits narcissists to have partners who are willing to go with the flow and not make a big deal over anything, ever. 

When I first started my career, I worked with a beautiful woman. She was strong, independent and able to find happiness on her own. She had self-confidence without having to rely on another person or society for validation. She had emotional independence and was able to enjoy healthy relationships with others without falling into co-dependent patterns.

All I ever wanted was for Pam to understand how much I cared about her. But as goes my life we became friends, good friends, but none-the-less friends. This is not the epiphany, but in retrospect, I was of no value to her. She was so beautiful that I knew we could never date. I was punching above my weight anytime we were alone together. She was way too cool and mature and proper to tell me, but she knew I was too immature and unlike Muhammad Ali I was not terribly pretty.

But for some reason, many years later she agreed to go out with me. Me. Mister Low Self Esteem. Pam agreed to go on a real date with me. I could not believe it. The most beautiful woman I had ever seen, walking down the street with me. After a couple of dates, she did not refuse my advance of holding hands in public.

She really did have it all. She was a queen, and her soul was royalty. She was tough. She was proof you could walk through hell and be an angel. She was strong. What made her strong was despite the million things that hurt her, she spoke of nothing but happiness. Oh, she dealt with her share of pain but as a wise man once told me, “Pain shapes a woman into a warrior.” And as Maya Angelou so beautifully wrote as if thinking of Pam, “Nothing can dim the light which shines from within.”

We had known each other for ten years. We dated for a few months, and I was in love. I bought a ring and had a destination to take her to propose. But it was me. I blew it all up.

“Take that ring back,” my father insisted after stopping by to show him the first adult purchase I had ever made without a grown up by my side.

“No good?” I asked with a confused look. “I thought it was really nice and I think Pam will like it. I think it fits her taste.”

“No, just get your money back. Forget it. She is the pretty dark-haired girl, right? No. She is too good for you. She is settling for you. Forget it. You wanna be her friend? Fine. But it’s over.”

And I listened. I had no response. The most important man in my life. The guy who was always there for me in time of need and times of happiness. Shot me down. I was dumbfounded.

I was always an emotional child. I always waited for somebody else to decide because how could I ever make a decision? Why should anybody listen to me? Where did that come from?

It was that mentality that saw me walk down the aisle with an incredibly cruel woman. This is because she could not see me as somebody she loved, and someone who angered her at the same time. She was entitled, exploitative, arrogant, aggressive, cold, competitive, selfish, obnoxious, cruel, and vindictive. And that was just the day of the wedding.

But here’s the thing. No matter how much time has passed, thinking of Pam makes my heart race in the best way. She enhanced my life in a way that no one else could. She’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, inside and out because she has the most beautiful heart and soul. Words can’t explain what she meant to me. She brought her light to my world.

She was patient, humble, caring, challenging, and supportive. She was a true fighter who treated everyone with respect. She was loyal and always had a good word. And more importantly, she left a lasting impression on everyone she met.

A very wise man once told me she was my person.  (Allow me to be clear. He would never use the term my person. However, he did indicate he understood my feelings and knew what kind of person I was and it was time to share my feelings with her. My person seemed simpler from an editing perspective). It was a late night or, more accurately, an early morning and after several alcoholic beverages we were dining on Yoo-hoos and veal parmesan heroes. Pam had become my plus one, my and guest, my go to person for the slew of wedding invitations I seemed to be receiving on a regular basis.

Between bites he told me it was time to decide about her. She was a wonderful woman, and I was head over heels in love. “Don’t we both have to be in love?” I asked. That was when he informed me that she was in love with me and the only one who did not see it was me.

I had and continue to place her on a pedestal. I was almost relieved when I was told not to marry her. After all, I know she can do so much better. Every time we would walk down the street, I would wonder which guy she should be with because I am just a filler. A place holder until the CEO of a Fortune 500 company comes along.

But what if the wise man was right. What if I am her person? What if I am the guy she is supposed to be with? What if we walked down the street and I smiled knowing I am with this beautiful woman because she wants to be with me? What if we went out with her friends and they had fun with us and they believed I was her person as well?

Let’s be honest, there will be serious character flaws that she will have to deal with. Loving a man with low self-esteem is not easy. But what if all I ever needed was to spend time with the only woman I ever loved? And again I ask, what if she knew all along that I was her person?

I better figure this out. Love doesn’t always go away just because we want it to. And, well, I never wanted this love to go away. That’s good because it never did. She was my favorite person to laugh with, to cry with, to eat and drink with, to walk with, share my thoughts with, and to experience life with.

What if I call her and she says yes? Nobody calls anymore. Okay, I’ll text. That way she can just ignore it. Oy vey.

Okay, I have a little bit more work to do. But just so you know, in my epiphany, she says yes and tells me she knew all along that I was her person and she has been waiting for me. I don’t think an epiphany should be delusional but that’s why it’s my “aha moment.”