The Narcissistic Truth

If you have been abused by a narcissist you understand what it means to be afraid of your own happiness. That may sound peculiar or odd, I totally get it. Why would anyone be worried about smiling, laughing, getting excited, or feeling alive? The answer to that will take some explaining but it is the root of narcissistic abuse.

The narcissist does not feel recognized or loved unless they take it from you by force. They cannot fathom unconditional love. While a healthy person is motivated by mutual connection a narcissist is motivated by dominance over those they are close to. A narcissist wants you to care more about what they think about you rather than what you think about yourself. When you start believing this false version of reality you are then trapped in the narcissists game.

Something I have come to realize about narcissists is that they need us more than we need them.

“You bought coffee? I told you I will make coffee and you will take it with you on your way to work and that is it. You had the audacity to waste money on Dunkin Donuts coffee! I told you, one cup. That is it. You are to drink one cup of coffee a day. That is enough. How dare you! All you do is think about you. Just once you should make something about me. When I tell you something just do it. When we get a divorce you will never see the kids. What don’t you get about that!”

To be a whole human being you must surrender to life. You must understand all humans have their own likes, dislikes, opinions, and feelings; many of which do not match up with yours. You know this to be true but you are not bothered by it. You realize everyone has a basic human right to exist.

They have no soul

Love and human connection are inherent to our survival as a species, yet we know instinctively we all must have our own autonomy and allow the other person to give us what we need of their own free will. That is the very definition of vulnerability. We recognize there is always a chance we could be rejected for being our authentic selves but we love anyway. A narcissist shuns all vulnerability.

The narcissist has no recognition of their authentic self because it is non-existent. You cannot feel or see something that is not there. Therefore they could never possibly recognize you as a multi-faceted individual if they in turn have zero self-image.

The narcissist desperately desires significance but knows deep down they will never get it. So in order to fill the dead, black hole within them, they use dominance and your forced submission to supply their vapid, miserable empty soul. They need to constantly feel superior or they literally will psychologically implode. The narcissist, then, is dependent on the other person. They need the other’s submission to keep feeling powerful.

Expressing happiness and joy threatens the narcissists authority over you. If something independent of them can bring you satisfaction it becomes glaringly obvious to the narc that you do not need them to feel good. If you are content with your own independent existence you can’t very well be obedient to them, now can you? The narcissist will not tolerate that so they will methodically seek to destroy anything that makes you happy.

“And of course you’re watching football because once again you make everything about you! God forbid you should spend time with me, but no you make it all about you! And I am sick of your mother.”

For all of this to work in the narcissist’s favor, the victim must be vulnerable to the narcissist. You will need to adopt some coping mechanisms to keep from being punished by the narcissist. Self-preservation will be your drive. This means being hypervigilant over any emotion that might betray excitement or enthusiasm unless it reflects directly upon the narcissist.

I could never joke or have fun with other people. It would enrage my abuser if she saw friends or new people laughing with me or hanging on to what I was saying with genuine interest. I had to restrict or cut my friendships because she would attack me and accuse me of being an embarrassment and socially inept. She was the only person I was allowed to enjoy. She wanted me to believe I had no value unless she said so. As a result of this abuse, my true self began to shrink and hide because I was not free to be me. That is exactly what the narcissist wants.

I worked at home for a short time. She did not work. She would sit in my apartment listening to my phone calls. Upon hearing a call she deemed unimportant or personal she would enter my office, interrupt, with, “I thought you had so much work to do. Apparently not, since you have time to talk to your cousin. But heaven forbid if I want to talk to you you are too busy.” The guilt was tossed. She would walk out. Mission Accomplished. I would hang up, find her, and ask what she wanted to talk about. “I hung up with Josh. What’s up?” And the response was always the same. “I didn’t ask you to hang up. I thought you’re so busy. Why aren’t you working?” And that was it. She would start a worthless conversation for the next fifteen or twenty minutes zapping me of all thought and energy thus proving she was in total control.

I had to disconnect from myself just to stay out of danger. There were no spontaneous experiences of joy or meaning for me and if on a rare occasion I got excited about something she treated me with disgust. I wasn’t allowed to feel because that involved looking inward instead of outward at her. All of this provides the narcissist with what they want: to know they have power and control over their victim.

After you are free from the narcissist you can begin the slow and (sometimes) painful process of deprogramming. You have to retrain yourself to feel happiness again without fear. You endured a relationship that offered you nothing and expected everything. Remembering your worthiness will take some time but you can do it. Unlike the narcissist, you are not dead and empty inside. You have the capacity to love and be loved in the most profound ways.

Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself permission to reconnect with that part of you that you had to disown to stay safe. Enjoy getting to know you again. You’re worthy and deserving. That’s what I keep telling myself after my first sip of extra large Dunkin Donuts coffee.