I received a call two weeks after The Narc passed away. Until that point, I did not know. No idea. No call from a former neighbor. No email from our synagogue where we were members for twenty years and she had been working part time. No text from either of my two sons.
The Narc died the way she lived during our marriage, despising me, and doing everything in her power to make sure I never have another conversation with either of our sons (now 21 and 19) and shouting from every rooftop she could climb, “He is a pig, a thief, a liar, a drug addict, an abuser…” Well, you get the idea.
As I have already diagnosed ad nauseam, she ignored three court orders detailing our co-parenting agreement for both of our sons. The judge ordered the agreement, but her attorney told her to play the clock. She kept a block on both of their phones, preventing my calls. She had them ignore my texts and informed them daily of what a terrible dad I was while they were growing up. Her attorney then had her delay signing the divorce agreement until our older one was eighteen and Florida law says he is an adult. That left number two son, sixteen and a half. She continued to send me texts the day before I was to spend time with him and I quote, “He is not ready to see you.” I called her and she ignored my calls. I texted, and she responded with, “I’ll try to talk to him.”
She took me to court three times, saying I did not pay child support. Each time I simply stopped by the Clerk of the Court and asked for a current statement and for a two-dollar fee, handed it to the magistrate. My guess is her attorney wanted her to have on record that I was a deadbeat dad, but when you pay your bills every month and make sure that child support is number one on the hit parade, it’s tough to justify. On a side note, I learned how she told anyone who would listen I refused to pay, so the judge granted her sole custodial rights. (For those of you who never had the luxury of paying child support, the terms are simple. You pay the exact amount or more on the first of the month. If you miss you have until the 10th. After that, the court considers you in contempt and can have you arrested).
And You are History
Her best move was when I attended Andrew’s varsity basketball games. It was three days prior to his eighteenth birthday. Life with The Narc was interesting. At two o’clock in the morning, she would read my emails, texts, and check the mileage of my car. Yes, you read that correctly. She drove to my office and clocked every way (two) that I could drive home and had the exact mileage for either trip. She would wake me up at three o’clock to dismantle me.
In my text, I told him he played a terrific game and perhaps we could go to dinner when he was available. The Narc deleted the text (she was holding his phone, looked around the gym, and saw me). He turned eighteen a few days later. She took him into the principal’s office with a document typed by her attorney saying that he wanted nothing to do with me and that I could no longer attend his school games or talk to his teachers or speak with him. His principal phoned and explained. She added that in her twenty-five years as an educator; she had never seen such a document, but felt she had to honor it. It was another game played by her attorney.
The energy vampire was now on a roll with the only thing that mattered. “Destroy him. I have an audience and I can do it. Neighbors and strangers. Clergy and my family. I will destroy him and his family. His mother will never see my children again.”
For the two years following the formalizing of the divorce, she began. “He’s a drunk, an alcoholic, abusive, demeaning, and a liar. He stole money from our kids. His mother did nothing for her grandchildren.” That one particularly hurt. She was the one who set up their college education funds, which The Narc’s attorney got his hands on during our first meeting with the judge.
How Did I Miss the Red Flags?
The Narc came along a short while before my dad passed away and tried to coerce my mother into doing things she never would have tried if her husband were still alive. You might ask where I was during this time and it’s a terrific question. The only answer I can give is the truth. I was hoping she would leave me alone. All I wanted was one night without yelling or accusations or telling me how much she despised my mother and my sister and my friends and me, and well, you get the picture.
One night when Alex was eight, he had won the championship at West Boca Basketball earlier in the day. She confessed, “I like it too much when he wins. I really love lording it over the other moms.” She failed to say a word about my coaching the team to victory, but it was an admission. While it was rare for her to reveal this of herself, her investment in Alex’s or Andrew’s success was apparent to most people around them. This attitude was hardly selfless and often had nasty consequences.
Another problem with her was that, while she seemed to support their accomplishments, she often felt competitive with them. She wanted our kids’ successes to reflect on them and attract attention to them, but she did not want to be overshadowed by our kids. In this way, the narcissistic parent within her didn’t support a healthy sense of self-esteem in our children. Instead, she drew attention to herself, using our sons in a way that was disregarding and hurtful. The only use she had for our boys was to reflect favorably upon them. Narcissistic parents often truly suffer from low self-esteem and are living through their children to compensate.
He Must Feel Pain
I am of the belief that God finally said, “Enough. Just stop.” And when she refused, he took her. But she knew what was going on that last week. She was told it was ending and called her sister in from Philadelphia. All I can do is speculate at this point. But after spending close to twenty years with this narcissist, I’m pretty sure of what they said.
“He must never talk to them. I had total parental control. He never paid child support and I don’t care. You must promise me they will never see him or talk to him. He will do terrible things to them if he sees them. Keep his mother away, too. She never cared about me. She is a terrible person. I want you to make sure that you keep everything I have and give it to them at the appropriate time.”
By everything, she was referring to most of my pre-marital property, which she and her attorney kept. They just kept it. The list ranged from childhood photos to my dad’s jewelry, from signed memorabilia to suits, ties, and overcoats. I agreed to give her property accumulated from the marriage, but that wasn’t enough. It was never enough.
It’s funny. Throughout our marriage, her sister and I had several in-depth conversations. I never would have suspected that she would keep my sons away from me or my mother. But that is where we are. I have sent birthday and holiday cards with personal checks made out to them. They don’t come back, “Return to Sender.” What college kid turns down money? This thought leads me to believe that her sister sees they are from me and either tosses them immediately or opens them and then tosses them. And even if she had handed it to them, I suspect there is a caveat that goes with it. Something like, “It’s just a way for him to steal money from your bank account. I would throw it away. Remember, he is a terrible person.”
Prior to learning of her passing, I tried to believe my vindictive ex narc would at some point feel intense guilt by her cruel, destructive behavior or the lies she told–either consciously or subconsciously. Or, she would just have self-hatred, which never leads to anything good for the future. She could never move past the divorce and so she would never get to have an authentic life, enjoy life and new people, find love, or feel good about herself.
What I wanted to say to the vindictive ex narc is the same thing I want to say to her sister:
Shame on you. You disgust me. You are very sick, and you need help. Badly.
A normal person does not behave like that. A normal person can be confused, a normal person may need time to think things through, but you don’t abandon your partner of twenty years like trash and then try to destroy him.
Karma
I’m suffering every night. The pain is raw. And I keep focusing on the ruinations, the many bad things the relationship had and all the emotional and physical damage this whole situation caused. 
The good news is in times of genuine despair, you find out who your friends are. I mean, your real friends. Maybe they judge you or maybe they chalk it up to a one off, a onetime situation where they now understand you were fighting for your life.
One of my friends, I mean somebody who refused to give up on me, gave me a piece of advice after I learned of The Narc’s passing and was trying to instill in me it was time to move on.
“Just remember that God is our ultimate judge, so don’t turn around and become vindictive as well. You are too good for that. Your vindictive ex narc got what she deserved, not by you, but by karma and other life happenings that you can’t or won’t control. Just be you, be the best person you can be, and keep moving forward with your life. You can’t wallow in self-pity because of what she has said and what you perceive people believe about you. As for your sons? Well, either they come back, or they don’t. You can pray for them and hope that by living a good life they become good people and maybe one day they will want to hear your side, but that cannot be a determining factor in how you press on.”
I had to take a moment to wipe the tears in my eyes, so he stopped. Upon inhaling and taking a deep breath, he continued.
“Let your vindictive ex narc wallow in her lies and deceit. Trust me, that vindictive ex hated herself a lot more than she hated you. Keep being the good person you are, the caring, loving parent you are, and keep enjoying what you can control in your life. It’s impossible for the vindictive ex to experience any of this. Don’t hate the vindictive ex, pity the vindictive ex. They took her for a reason. This was no mistake. This was an ‘it’s about time.’”
I was talking to another friend who stuck by me during the divorce. I told her I just wish The Narc was dead. I’ll be honest, that thought went through my head on multiple occasion while she and I were together. I told her about the many times I was driving on I95, and she would start an argument. It was clear after a while that these arguments were carefully staged. The problem was that her animation was off the charts. She would start banging on the passenger door, then hit me while I’m driving, and begin screaming, “Let me out! Stop and let out now! Now!”
That was always challenging. When your car is in the middle lane of an interstate and cars are all around. If I kept going, which I did each time, the screaming would get louder. If I pulled off at a rest stop, I did not know what she might do or say. Would she say something to a cop and have me arrested? Probably not, but only because she would have to explain all of this in court and to her father.
Yet another friend gave me a simple piece of advice and it seems to be the one that should work.
“Seems reasonable to me you’d want her dead, given what a life ruining effect she had on you. It may not be good for you thinking like that though. I think that’s the logic behind forgiveness of this narcissistic bastard: You forgive for your benefit (she is irrelevant in this), that’s the whole point, to expunge her from your brain, and that’s what forgiveness can do, stop you from being wrapped up in her crap — she’s the sort of person who’s wrapped up in stuff, that’s her, her life. Forgiving doesn’t involve her. It’s part of severance, I suppose, a further step of it, anyway. Psychological/thought/emotional severance.”
He thought for a moment and the honesty came out. “Easier said than done though, I haven’t managed it really, but I think it is useful/helpful to understand that logic though, maybe. I like the idea of forgiveness being an entirely selfish thing, for me, done by me, for my benefit — doesn’t even need anyone else involved. I think the reason I like that is it’s counter to what an earlier (mis)understanding I had of forgiving, and I quite like this version.”
Finally, I take you back to that first friend. The one who refused to give up on me. Life is funny. You need to always pay attention because as soon as you stop, something happens. Just last week he and I were talking. He was telling me how I sounded angry and, “Just so you know, The Narc is currently dead. She can’t harm you,” he reminded me.
I looked at the ground and then at him. “Maybe to you and the rest of the world, but she has a job to do. And let me tell you there is someone in my head and it’s not me, so it has got to be her and she is kicking my ass. All I want to do is talk to my sons and she made sure that will never happen.”
He went on with some interesting points.
“Hate is still an emotion. Your cry for justice also means the narc is still in your head – and at some point, you need to completely exorcise her to heal.”
I knew he was right, and that he wasn’t finished. But I felt this need to say what I was thinking and feeling. “I’m telling you sure as we are standing here, God is on the phone with Lucifer at least twice a week and you know what? The devil is trying and not succeeding, I might add, to make a deal to get rid of her, because I’m telling you, that’s where she is. But God knows, and he is not budging. There is no deal worth taking that would include her. “
“I feel you. My marriage was awful, but nothing compared to this. I begged one of my friends to tell me there would be karma. She took my hand and said: ‘There will. But not at the time and moment you want it. Karma isn’t your force, it’s the force of the universe. And if you’re really lucky, by the time it strikes your ex, you won’t give a damn because you haven’t thought about them for a while.’”
And then he hit a home run.
“Steve,” he said. “You may not forget, but you can forgive. And know that God never forgets, and he will be the ultimate judge.”
With that statement, I realized I no longer had to hate my ex-narc – she will be judged based on her actions and I will be judged on mine.