Why getting back with an ex is so compelling

I have been doing some research. It turns out the rekindling of young love after many years apart is the key to long-lasting wedded bliss.

A study in the United States found that people who rekindled youthful romances at least five years after they had split up had a 76 percent chance of staying together, compared with a 40 percent chance of successful marriage in the rest of the population. The study is the first done on people reunited with a lost lover after years apart.

Studies from California State University found that not just the nostalgia of aging made people look for their first love. The average age of those involved in the reunions was 36.

Older couples attributed their success to having re-found their soulmates and to increased maturity. Some 55 percent chose to reunite with someone they loved when they were 17 or younger – their first love – and 29 percent chose a former sweetheart from late adolescence.

The researchers found the most common reason for the initial romance breaking up was parental disapproval, accounting for 25 percent of cases. Other frequent reasons included “We were too young” (11 percent), “Moved away” (11 percent), and “Left to attend school” (7 percent). None of those who took part in the study said the relationship ended because they were not getting along.

Allow me to interrupt, none of the breakups were due to stupidity so, I have them all beat. More on that momentarily.

A professor wishing to remain anonymous had an interesting point of view: “Perhaps absence really does make the heart grow fonder. These were not the 10-minute loves that adults often attribute to teenagers.” More than one-third of the initial romances had lasted 13 months to three years. Some 15 percent had lasted four or five years and 12 percent more than five years.

Many of those who were reunited said they resented their parents belittling these early romances, calling them crushes or puppy love. Several reported great bitterness towards parents for breaking them apart years earlier. This research may serve as a cautionary tale for today’s parents to think twice before they interfere with a teen’s romance or dismiss it as ‘just puppy love’.”

The professor said curiosity or finding their first love by chance caused problems for some people. “A person may not have thought of cheating on a spouse – he or she may play around on a computer at work one day, type the name of the first love as a lark, and out pops the e-mail address.”

The professor found innocent e-mails did not remain innocent for long: 71 percent of respondents reported obsessive and compulsive thoughts about their lost love.

The professor said: “The couples’ first love had endured throughout their many years apart, and in the case of widows and widowers, often through very happy intervening marriages. However, given the high extramarital [affairs] rate, married people should be cautioned not to contact a lost love.”

An example of young love rekindled is provided by June Chapman and Eric Turner. Ms. Chapman was sixteen when she met Mr. Turner at the aircraft factory where they worked. They became sweethearts and dated for three years before Mr. Turner left their hometown of Swindon, Wiltshire, to begin his National Service. Letters were exchanged but after a year the two lost touch. Over the next fifty years, they both married and were widowed before being reunited last year.

Mr. Turner proposed in October. Ms. Chapman said: “Eric and I met in 1950 and from the moment we began dating I knew we were made for each other. We had so much fun – Eric was always making me laugh.” Ms. Chapman married and had two children. “John and I ran the pub for over 35 happy years but… I never forgot about Eric. Every time I heard our song, ‘Jealous Heart’, by Connie Francis, I recalled the first time Eric kissed me.”

After her husband died of a stroke, she met an old friend by chance, and they reminisced about their teenage years. “A couple of weeks later I was serving at the bar when a voice I’d not heard for nearly 40 years asked me if there was any chance of a pint. I looked up and there was Eric, the hair was greyer and the face a little more wrinkled but other than that he was just as handsome as ever,” Ms. Chapman said.

After six months, they moved in together. “Our relationship is just as passionate and physical as before, although now we’ve lost all of our teenage inhibitions,” she said.

Mr. Turner said that his first marriage was terrific but his wife, Gwen, died of a heart attack when she was 58. “June was my first love and I never forgot her. When I saw June again the old feelings came rushing back. I wasn’t going to let her go a second time,” he said.

Now for my reality

Did you ever take an online test? You know the one. It’s when you are reading an article, and suddenly, the test shows up, and you skip past seven screens at a snail’s pace and start answering questions between ads.

So, I will help and get you to the questions without the ads.

Questions Excerpt (About that one person you always loved)

1. Have you been tempted to reach out to them?

Yes, all of the time

No

Sometimes

2. How often do you think about your ex?

Very often

Never

Every so often

3. Do you get jealous when you see them with someone else?

Yes, every time

No, they can have them

Only if they are more attractive than me

4. How long did it take you to recover from the breakup?

Still not over it

A few days

A couple of weeks or months

5. Do you blush or get shy when someone mentions your ex?

Yes

No

Sometimes

6. Do you often reminisce about your relationship?

Yes

No, I’ve moved on

It depends on the day

7. Do you think about your ex even in another romantic relationship?

Yes, unfortunately

No, absolutely not

On rare occasions

8. What would you say if your ex asked you out again?

Yes, of course!

No!

I don’t know

9. How did your relationship end with your ex?

They broke up with me

I broke up with them

We had a mutual ending to our relationship

10. Do you wish you could have a second chance with your ex?

Yes, absolutely

No, never!

Maybe

The Definition of Insanity

Albert Einstein was one of the most significant scientific geniuses of the twentieth century. His theories helped scientists break through some barriers to our understanding of the physical world and the universe. He also contributed significantly to the philosophy of science. Is it any wonder that the quote, “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results,” is attributed to him? Alas, Buzzkillers, quotes like this seem to attach themselves to Einstein at the speed of light, and there’s no evidence he ever said it. (By the way, two other brainiacs and quote attractors, Ben Franklin and Mark Twain, are also credited with coining this idea).

So, as per dictionary.com, the actual definition is (not in technical use as a medical diagnosis) the condition of being insane, a derangement of the mind.

A derangement of the mind? I’m close. Clinically, I am not there. But, as the person who lives with me 24 hours a day, I’m closer to insanity than sanity. I fit the Einstein version. I do the same thing numerous times, and I still look for a different result.

I am the result of narcissistic abuse. No new news there. If you read any of my previous columns (Ding Dong The Narc Is Dead, The Narcissistic Truth, The Narc Took It All, Especially My Sons), it’s blatantly staring you in the face. I have written three manuscripts; in two, The Narc has a leading role.

She continues to take refuge in that playground in my mind, constantly laughing at me, insulting me, and threatening me. The Narc is no longer alive. She no longer roams the planet earth. But she is kicking my ass as much now as when she was driving a wedge between me and everyone and everything in my world. I know, “You want some cheese with your whine?”

Move on

 My answer to the trivia test? “Despite the breakup, it looks like you feel as if this person was your soulmate and are hoping for a second chance. If this is the case, you can talk to them openly and see if things can be worked out. And, if they have moved on, you too must try to get over the past.”

“Hello, hello, anybody home? Hey, think McFly, think!” If I could get over the past, I would not be whining about my love for Pam. And I’m sure I’m the whiner she’s been waiting for all this time.

I’m not sure, no, allow me to be straight with you, I do not believe in soulmates. I believe two people can love each other and have two different souls that mesh well together. More fact-checking. Recent data from YouGov finds that over half (56%) of US adults believe in the idea of soulmates. About one-quarter (25%) do not believe in soulmates, while about one in five (19%) are unsure. You’re particularly likely to believe in soulmates if you live in the South. Nearly two-thirds (64%) of US adults living in the South believe in soulmates, 57 percent of Northeast residents, and exactly half (50%) of those living in the Midwest or the West.

You want more data? Though majorities in all age groups say they believe in soulmates, young Americans are especially likely to doubt that soulmates exist. About three in 10 (31%) 18-to 24-year-olds say they don’t believe in soulmates. Only one-quarter of 25-to 44-year-olds say the same, while even fewer adults 45 and older say the same.

Destiny Beliefs

If you believe in soulmates, you are certainly not alone. Destiny beliefs are all around us and form the basis of some of the best romance plots. Think of all the star-crossed lovers we grew up reading about or watching on TV. I’m sure you could name five movies about soul mates right now. (I always come back to Casablanca, but my favorite line of all time is when Harry tells Sally on New Years’ Eve, “I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes, and I love that you are the last person I wanna talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it’s not because I’m lonely. It’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”)

Believing in soulmates is inspiring, and finding the person you believe to be your soulmate might make you feel like the star of a Hollywood romance. But these beliefs also have implications for how relationships play out over time. People who believe in soulmates tend to be happier with their relationships at the beginning—they wouldn’t bother to get into a relationship if they didn’t think there was potential for the person to be “the one.” And those who get into very satisfying relationships tend to stay in the relationship for longer. But when the relationship isn’t as satisfying from the get-go, they’re quick to end it (and are more OK to “ghost”). People who believe in destiny are looking for fireworks, not a slow simmer.

When problems arise, things can get rocky—every relationship takes work. Still, people who believe in destiny may be less likely to put the work in, seeing any issues in the relationship as a sign that the relationship is not “meant to be.” Perhaps the problem is discovering that your partner isn’t as much of a nature lover as you or having your first fight about whose family to visit over the holidays. Perhaps the honeymoon stage has worn off, and the relationship isn’t as fun as it used to be. People who hold destiny beliefs are more likely to ignore or deny the problem and disengage from the relationship rather than try to work through the problem.

Destiny and growth beliefs are independent, which means you can hold one, both, or neither. People who believe in soul mates and don’t see problems as something they can overcome are said to have an “evaluation” perspective. Those who don’t believe in soul mates and see problems as something that can be worked through have a “cultivation” perspective.

However, people can also believe in destiny and see problems as solvable, and these people are seen as “optimistic.” Not believing in destiny or the ability to work through problems is seen as a “hopeless” perspective. These latter two perspectives have received considerably less attention from researchers.

The researchers who study these beliefs quickly point out that they are not inherently good or bad. Holding strong destiny beliefs can be problematic when it prevents people from working through problems in a relationship with a lot of potential. Still, it can also make a relationship feel special and unique when the relationship does work out. Holding strong growth beliefs can encourage problem-solving and promote commitment in the face of conflict. Still, it can also encourage people to stay in toxic relationships due to persistent beliefs that the relationship will succeed if you just keep working at it.

When asked if they believe they met their soulmate, 43 percent responded: “Yes, and I’m currently in a relationship with them.” Another eight percent think they’ve met their soulmate but aren’t currently in a relationship with them.

Recognizing that our beliefs shape how we approach, maintain, and end relationships are essential, whatever those beliefs may be.

So, where does that leave me?

As I said, I’m bordering on insanity. I hear The Narc every time I drop something on the floor or park the car (“Oh my God! What is your problem! Get out. Just get out. You’re going to leave the car like this? Of course, you are, because what do you care if it gets hit! We have so much money! Leave the keys and get out! I will straighten it out! What is your problem?)

I’m back. I’m just wondering again, why did I listen to the person who told me to walk away from Pam? He did not know her. He met her several times but made an assessment (“She’s too good for you.” True story. My dad told me to walk away. She was too pretty and too good for me. Those words were never used when my brother or sister came home with their soon-to-be spouses).

Well, I did. I listened. I married The Narc. I was going to marry Pam. I had the ring and the place, but I waited for somebody to come along and tell me what I needed to hear. Deep down, it’s what I had been waiting to hear. Walk away. She’s too good for you. The feeling of not being good enough can lead to development what is known as the “impostor syndrome.”

What is Imposter Syndrome?

Okay, I’ve spent enough time talking about narcissistic personality disorder (the narcissistic truth, entitlement, and the narc, The Narc didn’t love me).  Let’s go for the impostor syndrome.

Imposter syndrome is loosely defined as doubting your abilities and feeling like a fraud. It disproportionately affects high-achieving people, who find it difficult to accept their accomplishments. Many of these people question whether they’re deserving of accolades.

Impostor syndrome—the idea that you’ve only succeeded due to luck and not because of your talent or qualifications—was first identified in 1978 by psychologists Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes. In their paper, they theorized that women were uniquely affected by impostor syndrome.

Since then, research has shown that both men and women experience impostor feelings, and Clance published a later paper acknowledging that impostor syndrome is not limited to women. (She also created an impostor syndrome test.) Today, impostor syndrome can apply to anyone “who isn’t able to internalize and own their successes,” says psychologist Audrey Ervin.

So, you know I took the test. I thought I was the poster child for imposter syndrome. But, as usual, even when I understand how difficult it is being me, I run into a “Hold on. Not so fast,” situation. Here we go.

“You have signs of imposter syndrome. But don’t panic. You may be struggling with some heavy feelings of worthlessness. You’ve also probably convinced yourself that you’ve fooled people into believing that you are competent and capable when really, you’re just faking it. You also may see yourself as acting your way through life and waiting for the shoe to drop when people discover who you really are. (Are we on to something here?) You’ve got some work to do. Healing and confidence will come when you can look at the origins of your feelings (a therapist can help). This will allow you to move on to a more accurate and lasting sense of self. You will be better able to really internalize compliments and honest feedback from others and recognize where self-doubt is coming from when it pops up again in the future. Remember, you have gotten to where you are because, in the words of Stuart Smalley, ‘You’re good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people like you.’”

Why do people experience impostor syndrome?

There’s no single answer. Some experts believe it has to do with personality traits—like anxiety or neuroticism—while others focus on family or behavioral causes, Ervin explains. “Sometimes childhood memories, such as feeling that your grades were never good enough for your parents or that your siblings outshone you in certain areas, can leave a lasting impact. People often internalize these ideas: that in order to be loved or be lovable, ‘I need to achieve. It becomes a self-perpetuating cycle.”

How to deal with impostor syndrome

One of the first steps to overcoming impostor feelings is acknowledging and putting the thoughts in perspective. “Simply observing that thought as opposed to engaging it can be helpful,” says Ervin. “We can help teach people to let go and more critically question those thoughts. I encourage clients to ask, ‘Does that thought help or hinder me?’”

You can also reframe your thoughts. Young says she reminds people that the only difference between someone who experiences impostor syndrome and someone who does not is how they respond to challenges. “People who don’t feel like impostors are no more intelligent or competent or capable than the rest of us,” Young says. “It’s good news because it means we must learn to think like non-impostors.” Learning to value constructive criticism, understanding that you’re slowing your team down when you don’t ask for help, or remembering that the more you practice a skill, the better you will get. It can all help.

It can also be helpful to share your feelings with trusted friends or mentors. People with more experience can reassure you that what you’re feeling is normal, and knowing others have been in your position can make it seem less scary. If you want to delve more deeply into these feelings, Ervin recommends seeking out a professional psychologist.

Most people experience moments of doubt, and that’s normal. The important part is not to let that doubt control your actions, says Young. “The goal is not to never feel like an impostor. The goal for me is to give [people] the tools and the insight and information to talk themselves down faster,” she says. “They can still have an impostor moment, but not an impostor life.”

My day will come…or will it?

And I keep thinking about her (Reasons To Write A Love Letter, The Power Of A Woman, God Was Just Showing Off). I am not looking her up on social media, although a mutual friend did and tells me I should call her. “She is no longer married and from what I can tell, not seeing anyone. You should reach out.”

I asked Scott, one of my best friends, about it. He can compartmentalize my issues. I told him my feelings were real. I was at my best with her, knowing I must do something about this. It’s been a while, and maybe it’s time to deal with it.

So, he lets me off the hook. “Although your heart and soul may still ache for her, I suspect that you know, deep down in your heart, that she isn’t ever coming back. It’s ok to still miss and love her if it does not prevent you from living your life.”

He continued. “I get it. The connection you feel is most likely in your mind and heart. If she was missing you after years of being apart, it is likely she would have gotten in touch with you. If she has not, then you really should not intrude upon the life she has built after you were gone. It would not be fair to her, and it’s likely to cause you even more pain and grief.”

I answered by explaining that I did not get any closure at the end of our relationship. It ended rather abruptly and quite viciously. I had to make my peace with that.

“Listen, we don’t always get the closure that we want or feel we need. We must be able to accept that and find our own ways to move past this. I suspect that most of us who had our hearts broken can relate to this. Most of us probably did not get any real closure, just pain. We have all been there.”

I went deeper. “She did not break my heart. She is incapable of such an action. I broke my heart. She was too good for me. Not really. I was just happy. It was a new feeling. I had never experienced feelings like this. This woman allowed me to be myself but I was so concerned about why she wanted to be seen with me. I’m doing her a favor by disappearing from her life. My father was right. Who am I to think I deserve to feel that good all the time? I was so obsessed with what he thought and had such little regard for what she thought. I never explained it to her. I did not understand that together we could have solved this and moved on or not moved on but it would have been honest. In all this time there is nobody who comes close to her.”

After listening, he offered his advice before walking into his office.

“Just know there are many, many others out there who share your pain. You are certainly not alone. I hope you have some people in your life you can discuss this with. Let the people in your life help you and support you. There is no cure for a broken heart, but you are still alive, and you need to live the best life that you can. She’s out there. You can make reach out to her whenever you want. Think about that.”

Terrific. So, where does that leave me? Exactly where I started. Nobody has an answer. Ph.D., friends, or family, none of them can tell me what’s in my heart. There is no correct answer. It’s been a long time, and a good deal has changed. The world has changed. I have changed. What hasn’t changed? My feelings for her. How much I enjoyed my time with her. My ability to talk about her. How wonderful she is. Maybe I should just keep writing about her. It’s easier than reaching out. She’s still beautiful, and I’m still, well, me. Maybe she won’t even remember me. Maybe I’m just not that memorable. Or maybe I can reach out to her whenever I want. I must work on the imposter life.

 I was going to end it here in my usual woe-is-me manner…But I won’t

This is true. I just hung up with Scott.  His meeting ended, and he had ten miles to drive back home. He has known me for as long as Pam. Full disclosure, I met Scott on Sunday and Pam on Tuesday. It was March of 1985. So I have known him longer. He knew The Narc. He knows Pam. He knows everything that took place. “You can’t go back,” he said. “You can however move forward.”

I stopped dead in my tracks. It’s been staring me in the face. Maybe I’ve been stuck in neutral for too long. Move forward? Now that is something I never thought about.

His words are what follows. (Now and again, we hit a home run). I should probably tell him one day how his words resonated with me. First things first, let’s see if I can apply this to Pam.