According to merriam-webster.com the meaning of entitlement is:
a: the state or condition of being entitled: right
b: a right to benefits specified especially by law or contract
c: belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges
Narcissists believe that they are entitled to anything they want, period. Wanting six people to sleep with while married, is something they are entitled to in their minds. Many victims report financial abuse when dealing with a narcissist and this is due to their entitlement to take, steal, and have anything they want.
Entitlement things to consider:
- They see it as the world owes them and they will steal, lie, and cheat to get what they feel should be theirs.
- Con artists – they are very good at tricking victims to get supply from them – money, sex, admiration.
- They choose ‘supply’ that can give them what they need – you fix cars they need that, thanks. You make websites, they need a website, then you are a perfect target.
- Family member narcissists bleed money from victims and use the family guilt card.
- Most victims lose money to a narcissist.
- They might be entitled to your job, and they decide to ruin you with a smear campaign so they can take your job.
- They take what they want without any concern for who they screw.
I would like to add something. They are thieves – narcissists steal what they want because the world owes them, they have no guilt about stealing hearts, money, and friends from you. For me, the money and things that were stolen from me are not important. (I keep saying that, but my stuff is gone and what is the point of whining?) What makes me sad is the stolen time AND my two sons who I miss every day, by presenting herself as a loving person I lost 20 years of my life being abused. Narcissists are nothing more than two-bit conmen, thieves, grifters. On a side note, she made me jump through hoops in court during our divorce. One thing, and there was not much, that she did return? My mother’s wedding ring. She had it for most of our marriage and I had no idea! My mother mentioned it once to me. She thought The Narc had it and I defended The Narc. I defended her because it seemed so absurd.
Let me ask you a question. Are you divorcing someone you think is a narcissist? You need to become battle ready. This will not be easy.
How could you have known?
When victims of narcissistic abuse are faced with the biggest challenge of their lives– divorcing a narcissist – they always reach a point of self-blame, wondering, “How could I have not known; how could I have missed the red flags and written off such bad behavior for all this time?”
Forgive yourself for not seeing who they really were. There will be much work for you to do to get a better understanding of what happened and heal after you get through this divorce. Please don’t get stuck on the “how could I have missed it” script because you will find it hard to become “battle ready,” and that is where you need to be. Narcissists have a need to always win and, in their mind, winning at this divorce will become a battle and an obsession. The tactics used by the person you once loved or thought you loved, and filled your heart with joy, will leave you in shock, leave you confused and the level to which they lie will cut to your core.
Stay strong and get the right help, which includes proper legal support, a good therapist or coach and a support group.
A recent story bowled me over with no pins standing. The daughter of a narcissistic mother had just had a home birth and her mother was there to help. Five hours after the birth while the young mother was nursing the baby on the couch, her mother asked her to get her a snack because she was hungry and so tired! (That is narcissism at it finest).
So, just what is entitlement?
It is the unreasonable expectation that one should receive special treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations. For the narcissist, they come first. They are unable to feel empathy towards others and therefore they operate from their own need base. When they speak, others are to jump. They somehow believe they are special and unique and should be treated as such. Let’s use the example of going out to dinner with the family. My ex-narc treated the wait staff like serfs in her personal kingdom and that’s after verbally abusing the hostess who never moves quickly enough in getting us a table. She acts like she is the queen of the lizard lounge. Yet another sign of narcissistic behavior rearing its strange and ubiquitous head.
Where does this sense of entitlement come from and what can we learn from it? As parents in a difficult time, how do we keep from raising entitled kids? Are we spoiling our children? Is our culture continuing to give messages that it’s all about you and you deserve the best and you deserve it now? Is instant gratification a norm with recent technology and every app and piece of knowledge at our fingertips in a New York minute?
Immaturity and the family
Some experts agree that narcissists are like six-year-olds. I am far from a trained expert, but I am in total agreement. They were emotionally arrested in development at an early age. Where does this come from? Were they spoiled? Many say there was too much focus on self-esteem and coddling children and the parenting models need to change to a focus on accountability. But where does empathy fit into this model?
Narcissists are brewed in families where feelings are denied, projected, and not dealt with. The children are not attended to emotionally. Maybe they are given lots of goodies, play every sport imaginable and always wear designer labels. And some were just plain ignored. In both cases their feelings were not important. If a child does not learn to identify feelings and have those feelings validated and acknowledged, that child does not learn to trust him or herself. If someone cannot tune into their own feelings and learn to responsibly process those feelings, how can they have empathy for others?
A recent clinical experience working with eight- and nine-year-old girls was enlightening. These sweet little girls were developing cliques of friends and speaking and acting awful to those who did not belong. Were they becoming bullies? Were they entering the “mean girls” drama? One can lecture about being nice to others. One can read them books about being a good friend. Some use punishments. What really works? Empathy for others comes when the child can feel their own feelings of being rejected and left out. Having those feelings validated makes them feel real. Then they can better understand the feelings of the “left out” group of kids. They can use the skills they used for themselves to understand the others and it makes more sense to them. Without this, they tend to normally focus on the issue of being accepted or not.
Okay. I have a beginning here, and certainly an end, but I need a middle and it is critical. If you made it this far, buckle up, this, as they say, is going to be a bumpy ride.
You must live with it
Why don’t people believe you about narcissistic abuse? Easy. Because they’ll never see the monster hiding behind the manufactured persona.
Narcissists have perfected their image. Those of us who have lived through narcissistic abuse or had a run-in with a narcissist know this image, or persona, is a mask they wear to hide the mentally unhealthy person underneath.
Some of the challenges of coming through the other side of the abuse include having others invalidate your experiences by not believing you.
Narcissistic abuse can be emotional/mental, financial, and sometimes it can be physical.
The Mask
Their persona is a fabrication. The narcissist will do things for others to show how good they are. Of course, they then take the time to advertise their “good deeds,” no matter how small.
Sometimes they provide favors or do good things for others at the periphery of the narcissistic relationship. Thus, making the circle of people who would believe you about their abuse smaller. Clearly, they’re a good person. You should forgive them about that unforgivable thing they just did. Or you must be wrong in your interpretation of the facts of what they did or said. The narc will often tell you these things outright as well.
At the start of a relationship, they will love bomb, a technique abusers use to make a person feel that they are loved and accepted. This happens before real love would naturally be established in a healthy relationship, as it takes time to develop real feelings.
The Stories They Tell
Some narcissists have a script they used to help establish their persona in a professional setting. The narc would tell the same stories over and over to different people to elicit sympathy from others and to help establish their “caring” persona. They would make claims as well, about their character, business practices, etc. which also followed a script. They knew what you wanted to hear, but there was nothing behind the well-rehearsed words. Survivors will know well, actions speak louder than words. Narcissists will gaslight you and their words won’t match their actions. Believe their actions.
The truth is narcissists are incapable of empathy, and they do not love selflessly as mentally healthy humans do. In relationships, their love is a tool for keeping others tethered to them and their abuse, to keep those people close to them to be used as their narcissistic supply. Though, they may appreciate what others can do for them. In their minds, their partner’s good looks make them appear desirable, the financial success of their spouse means more money in their pocket, a child’s good grades are reflective of their intellect, etc.
Manipulation
The narcissist is a master manipulator. At the start of a romantic relationship, they will appear to have the same interests as the other person. Wow, you’re thinking. We have so much in common. Often, at the end of a relationship, the survivor realizes the narc only pretended to have the same interests as them. Messed up? Ya think? Also, it’s not uncommon for the survivor to eventually abandon their own sense of self and to adopt one closer to the narc.
It’s easy to allow yourself to feel guilt or shame that you fell for their lies. Narcissists are so adept at manipulation and mind games, it’s not a dark mark against you that you believed them. That’s on them. But good luck trying to get passed it.
They will use distraction techniques, such as gaslighting and triangulation to keep you distracted from the real issues — their behavior, abuse, financial or romantic indiscretions, etc.
Gaslighting in particular is a very effective tool for the narcissist. I suggest reading Psychology Today’s article The 11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting. It details signs you will recognize if you are being subjected to this type of manipulation and abuse. Sign #10 — telling others that you are crazy, may continue past the end of a relationship to try to discredit your experiences after the fact. In retrospect, you may recognize red flags, such as an abuser having a “crazy ex” when you started dating them. Now, you’ve become the crazy ex. Who knew any of this had a name?
Triangulation, as a psychological tool, is defined by wiki as “[a] manipulation tactic where one person will not communicate directly with another person, instead using a third person to relay communication to the second, thus forming a triangle…Triangulation may manifest itself as a manipulative device to engineer rivalry between two people, known as divide and conquer or playing one (person) against another.”
Triangulation existed for most of my relationship without me realizing it. After the relationship, the narc attempted to do this to me again, but being much wiser now, I did not fall for the game. Unfortunately, she knows there is another victim out there who most likely is unaware of all of this.
While survivors may feel compelled to help others currently victimized by their past abusers (as we are often highly empathetic, caring individuals), we cannot, or else fall prey to the abuse again. We are only able to say a private prayer for them and hope they can escape one day, as we have done, and thrive. Individuals have responsibility and power over their own lives.
Narcissists will also employ the “tricks of the trade” for abusers. They will isolate you however they can. Have you move away from your family and support network, guilt you about trying to reconnect with your friends, shame you about taking an exercise class to stay healthy. You shouldn’t have your own life. You should be exactly where they want you.
Invalidation (It’s difficult)
If you’re a survivor of a narcissistic relationship, you may have experienced others not believing what you went through. Their disbelief may be innocuous in that, after disclosing you were in an abusive relationship, they tell you “I met [him/her] and I never would have guessed that [they were abusive].” Others simply haven’t experienced this type of abuse. A family member may ask you, “What changed in your relationship? You were so happy.” Worst of all, others may imply or straight out tell you that you are lying about your abuser. They will never see the narcissist for who they truly are. They simply see the mask, the persona that has been perfected with time and practice.
Often, the abuser will only show their true qualities over time to the subject of their abuse, most often followed up by putting the mask back on. You are crazy for thinking I would behave like that, they seem to say. The truth is they are the mentally unhealthy one.
Sometimes the narcissist will only slip and reveal their true selves after the end of a relationship, during the discard phase. Once they no longer have control over a person and can’t elicit reactions, they don’t have a reason to keep up the image. Narcissistic abuse recovery expert Melanie Tonie Evans describes the three phases of narcissistic abuse in “A Deeper Look At Idolize, Devalue, Discard.”
It is important to know the difference between toxic people who will never believe you, including flying monkeys, others who are simply naïve because they do not think others can be so cruel; or people who are inexperienced and uneducated about this type of abuse. Follow your instincts for the people you choose to keep in your life. You do not need to convince anyone. People who truly care about you are open to your truth and open to learn.
Some survivors will lose every friend they have (if they have any left at the end of the relationship after being isolated). The important thing to understand is that those people were never your true friends. Now, you are lucky to see that and to rebuild going forward.
Many people are in relationships with narcissists for years, or even decades. The abuse can take a toll on your mental health, your physical health, and every aspect of your life.
Know that you are not alone. Many people have experienced the same type of abuse. Your experiences were real. They happened. I believe you, and the genuine people in your life should believe you too.