God Was Just Showing Off

He had to be. How else do I explain her? She has a kind heart and a fantastic soul. She is magnificently good-looking, but this is incidental; looks fade for everyone, so her personality and character must shine through to keep your attention. But truth be told, she is still the most exquisite woman I have ever seen. She has this perfect blend of shyness and confidence; she does not realize how beautiful she is, ironically making her even more attractive.

Spending time in her company is like speeding in a car on a track you hope will never end; it is exhilarating, hugely dangerous, and in equal parts joyous and painful. Most importantly, though, my heart beats faster when I see her than it has ever beaten before, and I realize I’m hooked, addicted to this woman, and always will be, forever. It is a wild ride; I am experiencing it right now, and I recommend it to everybody and nobody at the same time. The worst feeling in the world is knowing how much I love her, and yet I cannot tell her.

Okay, let’s get deep. We can make a similar application to our understanding of beauty. If our response to two men who each think their wife is the most beautiful is to ask, “Who’s right?” we betray a faulty understanding of beauty; we assume there is some earthly standard, the adherence to which defines beauty. A fully Christian response to the broader question of what makes up the standard of beauty would not be a simple task, though an appropriate answer would consider truthful adherence to a thing’s created nature. But I think our starting point and first response to the question, “What makes a woman beautiful?” should be “Participation in the image of God.” Man is created in the image of God, male and female, but the woman is given a unique aesthetic placement in that order—she is the glory of man. She uniquely bears the image of God—a way that is glorious and beautiful, a way that is defined and measured by participation in something more significant and universal than herself.

The basis of a woman’s beauty is participation in “womanness,” as God defines, creates, and varies the theme millions of times over. And so, in one sense, the term “most beautiful woman” is an absurd concept: Most beautiful Indian woman? Most beautiful Asian woman? Most beautiful grandmother? But in another sense, a man can say that his wife is the most beautiful woman in the world because she is the woman in whom that man encounters the image of God most intimately, intensely, aesthetically, and of course, sexually. He sees perfection not in her but through her—through her participation in that which is perfect. Her beauty is reflective, as an image of her creator. And like any part of creation, it points towards God when rightly ordered. So, the cliché mantra “your wife, girlfriend, mother, best friend is your standard of beauty” is wrong; the standard is not your wife, nor is it the latest fad from society, nor the ideal from two hundred years ago, nor tomorrow’s ideal. The standard is the perfect form God created and called Woman,” the “Form” you encounter in this life and know most perfectly as this woman. When a husband looks at his wife of fifty years and tells her, “You are the most beautiful woman in the world,” he speaks with a greater capacity for comprehending beauty than the bridegroom can comprehend on his wedding night. After fifty years of intimacy with this woman, he has a more profound knowledge of what a woman is.

I Told You It Was Deep

Maybe too deep. But I am still trying to figure out why I saw this woman on Tuesday morning, March 19, 1985, and have been in love with her to this day.

I know what you’re thinking. I get it. I get it. But I had my chance. I just had no idea what to do with that chance. At the time, I was in love with her outside. She was beautiful. She might have been the most attractive woman I had ever seen. But I learned her beauty was everywhere. It was in everything and everyone she touched. And still is. So, I must analyze what I mean by “And still is.”

Many women think the key to beauty lies in the bottom of their makeup bags. There are a million and one reasons women believe this: we judge them on their appearance, pop culture and mass media support those judgments, and big business makes its money off shamelessly promoting their miraculous products’ before and after effects. Truthfully, being beautiful does not come from a lipstick tube, mascara wand, or blush brush. The following factors create a more lasting impression than any amount of makeup ever could:

Her Passions

A woman who is without passion is one dull woman. At times life can feel like a Mack truck, ready to roll over us all at a moment’s notice. It’s hard for a woman to slow down and take time to do the things that genuinely bring her joy, but when she neglects the part of herself that ignites her, then she is living a passionless existence. A woman who takes the time to follow her passions, whatever they may be, understands that life is too precious to speed along without enjoying the ride. A woman who wants all that life has to offer, not just her partner or her relationships, is a woman who others admire. Why? Because passion is contagious. Watching someone pursue her dreams is just about the most beautiful experience human beings can have. She always did that so well, so effortlessly. That’s Pam.

Her Compassion

A cold-hearted woman may love herself, but who loves her back? Think about this. Who will feel for her if a woman cannot feel for others? Compassion, whether one is a mother, lover, colleague, mentor, or friend, is the adhesive glue that holds relationships together. Though self-absorbed celebrities are sprayed all over the front covers of the magazine rack, most men don’t find narcissists all that appealing. (Please see most essays on this blog, or call me. I can explain in vast detail). The reality is if a woman loves herself more than she can love another, the only beauty she can boast of having is skin deep. A woman who understands how to give and receive love is much more desirable than one who has nothing to spare. That’s Pam.

Her Mind

A popular myth in our culture is that a beautiful woman is not intelligent. This stereotype condemns women in two ways because the implication is that wise women are not attractive. This is a lose-lose scenario. If a woman looks too appealing, she cannot have anything going on upstairs, and if she “has her nose in a book,” she can’t be a stunner. A woman who does not take time to cultivate her mind is like a writer who never reads books. Neglecting one’s intellect is like shouting, “I don’t need to understand the world — the world needs to understand me!” Life does not work like this. (She was always more intelligent than me, which became evident the more she allowed me to believe otherwise). The pursuit of knowledge and truth is not only attractive but essential to our existence. Knowledge is empowerment, and empowerment is sexy. That’s Pam.

Her Fun-Loving Spirit

Ever tried to have fun with Debbie Downer? (I urge you to read any of my essays on my life with The Narc). It’s tough to share the same space with a Negative Nancy, and here’s why: No one loves a mope. Not that a woman must always be Positive Peggie. A woman can taste disappointment in her life just like everyone else. The point is that a sense of adventure and appreciation for all life has to offer is more attractive than relentlessly sticking to a routine and taking life’s opportunities for granted. If a woman cannot relax enough to take a spontaneous walk alone, with a male companion, or sing her favorite song in the shower, who wants to join her? But if she is most comfortable in her own skin and she can laugh at the craziness around her, that’s the woman we need most. That’s Pam.

Her Resilience

Nothing is more beautiful than a woman who refuses to give up. Tenacity, whether in one’s career, marriage, or physical health, is inspiring. The world loves a fighter. Please do not misunderstand. This is not a call to arms or some ultra-feminist mantra. Fighting over what to have for dinner or which movie to see afterward is not pretty. Resilience is not about a woman’s control or refusal to cede control over to another. It is about believing that life can never defeat her unless she allows herself to become defeated. Accepting the worst or the best in equal stride, acting in such a way that either outcome will not control her, is beautiful. That is a woman. That is Pam.

Her Confidence

Speaking of beauty, let’s talk about boasting. There’s a fine line between bragging and being confident. Bragging is when a woman deliberately describes herself in a self-congratulatory manner so that others will do just that: congratulate her. Seeking praise for one’s ego isn’t just selfish — it’s ugly. Confidence isn’t about wanting others to notice us and wanting them to tell us how good we look, speak, think, or act. Confidence is about a woman feeling proud of her appearance and knowing what she says is worth hearing. A woman who doesn’t need other people’s reassurance to help her feel this pride in herself is infinitely more appealing than a woman who perpetually seeks others’ approval. That is her. That is Pam.

Her Energy

Finally, the most beautiful quality of a beautiful woman can be summed up by the total effect of all the above. It’s her energy. A woman with an unmatchable vitality for life should be idolized. Set her in stone or marble if she will stay still long enough. Cast her in bronze, something timeless. When a woman follows her passion, shows compassion, pursues her intellect, keeps a sense of adventure, refuses to give up, and believes herself to be worthy, her energy will be the spark that lights up everyone and everything around her. Yep, that’s her. That’s Pam.

So where does that put us? True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It’s the caring that she lovingly gives and the passion she shows. … Real beauty should be defined by how a woman treats others and exhibits joy and confidence in the parts that make her unique.

We need to redefine what makes a woman attractive. As Audrey Hepburn so gracefully said in Breakfast at Tiffany’s, “Elegance is the only beauty that never fades.” (One day, we will watch that movie together. And if we don’t, well…).

Being a mentally strong woman is not about how cute she can look on any given day. It is not about being popular, and it’s not about earning the most money. It is about her character. She is an excellent example for others and takes good care of herself simultaneously during tough times. It’s Pam.

Fear Tackler

That’s what she is. Mentally strong women face their fears, problems, and issues. They tackle them head-on, and they do not run away from them. I understand she has run into different fears throughout her life, but how she handled them determined she was/is mentally strong. We all have it in us to face our fears, but sometimes we don’t know how to do so. Time is the best solution to this confusion. We shouldn’t rush to overcome fear, but we should start taking steps toward the ultimate goal of overcoming fear. Slow and steady often wins the race with this one; she is a shining star in a vast sky of opportunity. Yep. Pam.

True to Herself

Last but certainly not least, mentally strong women are utterly true to themselves. There is no need to change oneself to satisfy others, and she does not need to change to impress others. Showing that she is comfortable with the life it has given her is a significant part of being true to herself, and loving her mind goes along with that comfort. That’s Pam.

My Thought

Sometimes, it is easy to be mentally strong, but sometimes not. She can be mentally strong and discover the best path for her mind as she navigates through life. I know there are tons of women who possess these characteristics and do not even know it.

But the thing is, I think she knows it.

She knows a few other things; I want to tell her if she doesn’t.

I want to tell her she is a strong woman.

Strong women can tell the truth about their past because they’ve committed to learning from it while guiding others. They view the past as wisdom instead of shame.

Strong women rise from the ashes of their former selves. They are built from the fires of hardship and struggle. They earn every bit of their strength.

Strong women carve out their worldly successes by helping other people succeed. They see their life force as plentiful.

Strong women help their friends surpass them with humility, not envy. The big picture is clear to them.

Strong women aren’t afraid to ask for help when they need it. They won’t hesitate to reach out to a friend, counselor, or a coach.

Strong women say what they mean and mean what they say without apology. They are experts at conveying the word “No.”

Strong women honor their inherent creativity as a divine gift. However dark or painful, they dig deep into themselves, mining their unique contributions to the world.

Strong women recognize that not everyone has good intentions. They put their intuition to work, ask the right questions, and keep both eyes open. They are sharp, quick-witted, and discerning.

Her strength isn’t built in a gym- it’s made from the trials and tests she has encountered.

Yes. She is beautiful. She is strong. She is vulnerable. But one day, when I get the courage to reach out, to pour her a cup of hot tea on a breezy summer afternoon, this is what I would say.

“I’m afraid to be your friend because I want more, but I have realized I need you in my life, so I’ll be your friend. But you are the only woman I ever loved. (And, well, if you don’t love me back, I suppose I can keep writing about you and making believe you will.”)

But that was about me. As for you, “Don’t be strong. Don’t roar louder in hopes your bravery will catch up with your voice. Don’t be strong, because being strong doesn’t yield vulnerability. No, my precious friend, my love, be courageous and virtuous. For virtue is the birthplace of all that is still to unfold. Forgiveness is the virtue of the brave. Aristotle tells us, “The happy life is regarded as a life in conformity with virtue.” Virtue is moved by wisdom and integrity. Virtue is the weight to your feet when you want to run in flippancy. Virtue is the hand to heart that whispers — peace, be still. Virtue, like wisdom, is the only way we can truly see all the beauty. The beauty that will save our world.”

Live the questions, not knowing the answers. Be courageous without knowing… sometimes it’s not time to know. It’s time for faith; it’s time to walk the tightrope. It’s time to grab the hand of the soul next to you and do things terrified.

You. Yes, you.

Cultivate quiet habits of virtue. Curate a simple way of seeing yourself and the process. Honor this; one day, you will wake up to the sun tracing your face and see you’re living the answer you’ve been begging for…

Perhaps, being a strong woman is simply being a virtuous woman. Maybe a strong woman is just a free woman who rules herself.

Perhaps, all the glory follows virtue. Maybe courage is the virtue of the spirit at peace.

Perhaps, being strong is a myth, and our hearts truly yearn for a life tethered to the mast of virtue.

There must be an ending here somewhere. If you have read any of my stuff, you know I wrote her a sonnet. It took close to a week and eight hours a day. Well, this is not a sonnet, and it arrived in my head suddenly. I’m not sure what it is. That’s not entirely true. I know what it is. It’s another reason to torture myself. Some molds are beautifully unique and lovely and can’t be duplicated. Some are flawed and must be endured. And now and again, God shows us the beauty of a mold that needs a slight amount of TLC.

Because it’s about her

“Watch her as she sits by the window to watch the skyline lighting up the city’s darkness while she holds a cigarette in her hand, trying to figure out if she is happy or maybe just trying to learn what happiness means to her. Listen to her, listen to her silence, for there will be days when words will not find her, or she will not find them.

Listen to her when she is talking about her eternal love.

On days when she is too tired after nine hours on her feet and comes home and cannot move her legs much, make her a cup of tea. Tell her she looks beautiful despite the stress; tell her she will always be your prettiest sight.

Understand that she needs her own space. Understand she is not like any woman you have been with. Accept she is different. Embrace it. Understand she doesn’t talk much because she is still too scared to give away all of herself; because people in the past haven’t respected her the way she wanted them to, she has been lied to and taken advantage of. Do not try to break her shell, but know that if you give her the space she needs to breathe, she will let go of the shell of the grown-up woman, and she will show you the tiny child that still resides underneath.

She will have her bad days. She will have days when she will be paralyzed with pain, and the deadly disease of depression will get to her again. She will keep smoking. Then she will wake up screaming in the middle of her worst nightmare and know this. She will look for your arms to rest on all her vulnerable nights. Hold her tight, look into her eyes, tell her you are lucky to have found a warrior in her and kiss her off to sleep again.

She is easy to be with if you understand. She will fight with you, dig nails inside your heart, and leave scars that occasionally bleed because she is damaged everywhere. She will not open up to anyone and shut herself out entirely because she does not feel good talking about her pain. She will give you a thousand reasons to leave her, but if you stay, oh, if you stay…

She will probably never tell you how much she loves you because that word terrifies her, but she will build a home out of the mess that you are, and she will bet her life on never letting you go. She doesn’t easily give up on the people she loves.

Different systems might use different currencies if successful relationships are built on relational economics. In fact, accepting that not everyone can put into words what they feel in their hearts is perhaps not as tricky as it might be once you figure out what a person uses as their currency of love.

Stay. If you stay, she will always have your back. If you stay, she will never let you fall. If you stay, she will make the stars fall at your feet because she is worth it, she is worth it, she is… Pam.”