“She’s too good for you.” Oh, how I’ll hear those words till the day I die.
If you have read some of my earlier posts, you’re aware I dated a woman I believed was way out of my league. She was, without a doubt, the most beautiful person I’ve ever known. She was kind, considerate, caring, creative, fun, and sweet. Everything that a person should be. She was my first and only crush. She made me happier than anyone else I’ve ever known before or since. She was one of a kind, and I never wanted to lose her. Of course, I’ve come to learn that “never wanting to lose” someone is not a way to live. But that’s me. Everything I did and still do is out of fear. I do not seek compliments, just people who will not yell or insult me.
My feelings were not one-way. She cared about me. I know she cared about me. We were friends for many years before I asked her to date. Okay, before my friends asked her if we were ready to change the status of our relationship. But I cannot stress this enough, from the moment I saw her, all I ever wanted was to walk down the street with her hand in mine. I wanted to make her tea and let her sit back and relax while I did the dishes. All that from the moment I saw her? Yes. Okay, I know it’s a lot, but she was so beautiful that my mind just wandered.
I think, in time, she grew to love me more than anyone else had ever loved me. She had expressed there was no other person she’d rather be with and wanted to spend time by my side. She never told me I was the most beautiful guy she had ever met, and rightly so. I have looked in the mirror. But she was so concerned about how I felt and could listen to me talk for hours and hours. I wish I could say I reciprocated, but I was so worried about what she was thinking by dating me that I never really heard her. I mean, she talked, but my thought was, “Does she really want to be with me, or is she just killing time while she awaits the right guy?” Remember how I said she was my first and only crush? Well, it’s so perfect how it all works out. As of right now, I know, for absolute certain, that nobody else will ever make me feel the way she made me feel.
I come back to this question all the time. Was Pam the best person I ever knew and dated and would kill to date again? Yes, she was. So, what happened? My stupid belief was that I was not good enough for her. The question now, after so much time has passed, have I elevated her status so high and remember only the good because I was married to The Narc? What drove me away from Pam to The Narc? What makes a person marry an extreme narcissist? What makes this person stay with the narcissist and take all that daily abuse for years? How does one feel in such a marriage?
I had a front-row seat.
An extreme narcissist is a person characterized by a complete lack of empathy for other people. They feel superior to others and see people as either enabling them to get what they want or preventing them from getting what they want.
The extreme narcissist is incapable of love. They can pretend, but it’s never absolute. They use people, but they don’t care about them. The extreme narcissist might enjoy what another person does for them, but they’re unable to value this person or form a meaningful attachment to them.
To the extreme narcissist, everyone is expendable. People are interchangeable, depending on the narcissist’s needs now. To be in a personal relationship with an extreme narcissist is never to be loved for oneself.
Deep down, the extreme narcissist feels inadequate and insecure. As a result, they’re tremendously touchy and easily insulted. They need to surround themselves with fawning acolytes who are constantly building them up.
The extreme narcissist needs to be admired and adored. They can’t tolerate being questioned or challenged. Their spouse, therefore, must always coddle them and must never, ever make them feel bad about themselves in any way. (Good luck with that).
The extreme narcissist who has wealth or power will seek out a spouse who makes them look good to others, someone who’ll boost their fragile ego. They want a spouse who’ll give them a strategic advantage in their social or business dealings. They’ll marry someone attractive, wealthy, or well-connected. Better yet, all the above.
My narc married me because I fit the suit. I checked off enough of the boxes that once she heard about me (yes, it was a blind date), she was not stopping until her father walked her down the aisle, and she had a house and three children, like her sister. (I stopped at two). I was Jewish. I had a job—a closet filled with suits. My parents lived in a gated community in Boca. And I was weak. Oh, not an outwardly sniveling coward. But enough to do the job. She sucked me into her world by telling me how great I was and then sucking up to my parents and calling them regularly to start planning a wedding. “After all,” she told them. “We are not getting any younger.”
And she came with all the slang lingo that you’d expect from someone suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
- Gaslighting-Convincing someone, they are going insane.
- Flying Monkeys – Any group of people that the narcissist enlists as allies to persecute someone that the narcissist hates.
- Gray Rock – This means that your manner during your interactions with the narcissist is as dull, unemotional, and neutral as you can manage. Essentially, you become as uninteresting as a gray rock.
- Love Bombing – Used to describe narcissists’ over-the-top courtship tactics when they are chasing someone that they are trying to seduce or make fall in love with them. It is wildly romantic behavior that includes constant praise, promises of undying love, thoughtful little gifts, late-night texts, and anything and everything that the narcissist thinks will secure the love of the person he or she has chosen.
- Hoovering – It is derived from the name of the Hoover vacuum cleaner. It has now been extended to refer to a narcissist’s attempts to suck a discarded mate back into a relationship by saying and doing things that the ex would find irresistible.
The extreme narcissist might be superficially charming to people outside their family, but at home, they let their true, nasty colors show. They desire recognition and praise, so they’ll make an effort to butter up those people who’ll speak highly of them in public and bolster their reputation.
But wait, there’s more.
At home, they do not need to be nice to their spouse. The prey has been caught; the trophy acquired. The spouse of the extreme narcissist should expect neglect at best and abuse at worst. And I don’t think it will ever stop. You made it through the day. You washed up, brushed your teeth, and sneaked into bed while she was sleeping. “Hello, three o’clock in the morning.” That is how the brainwashing begins. Two hours of sleep, and she wakes me up regarding some innocuous thing she found in my wallet or on my email or texts, and she refuses to allow me to go back to sleep. I am now awake until my alarm goes off. And I’m exhausted. I walk around like a zombie. This would go on 
for weeks or months and then stop for a short while before catching me off guard and starting again.
There are two types of people who’ll marry an extreme narcissist: a people-pleaser or another narcissist. One narcissist will marry another, perhaps an even more extreme narcissist, to establish a mutually exploitative and mutually beneficial relationship.
No need to wonder which category I fit. I never could say no. And now, with her working with my parents, who wanted nothing more than for me to be married, I was defeated. I did just what I was ordered to do, marry a woman I did not love, I did not like, and who scared me to death.
Impostor Syndrome
Everything in my life comes from my lack of self-esteem. It’s called impostor syndrome—the idea is that you’ve only succeeded due to luck and not because of your talent or qualifications. I keep waiting for someone to tap me on the shoulder and tell me I don’t belong. I feel better when someone beats me up. After all, what right did I have to believe I was good enough for Pam?
Where does it come from? I am not sure, but it’s real. I have a few thoughts.
- Unhappy childhood where my parents (or other significant people such as my older sister) were extremely critical. The definition of critical here is they yelled at me without holding back just how they felt (which makes perfect sense that I married a woman who did nothing but yell at our kids, her parents, and me).
- Poor academic performance in school resulted in a lack of confidence.
- An ongoing stressful life filled with financial trouble. (The Narc shopped every day armed with coupons informing me she was saving me money and I had no right to complain).
Let’s get back to Pam. She should never have been wasting her time with me. I’m none of the things she is. I’m not beautiful like she is. I’m not smart like she is. I’m boring and routine where she is ready to go on the next adventure at a moment’s notice. And I’m incredibly sarcastic and inconsiderate, whereas Pam lights up any room she enters. I’m so much less than what she deserves. The problem is I never told her how I felt, how she deserved someone better, and that she was way too good for me. And that is my problem. Why would anyone go out of his way to prove his love to someone and then tell her she is too good for him? Who does that?
What is my problem?
I considered telling her (as heartbreaking as it was) that she shouldn’t be happy with me and that I tricked her into thinking she was happy when really, she was not. The one thing she said that made her unhappy was the negative way I talked about myself, but she couldn’t see how I was just being honest about who I was. The way I spoke negatively or thought terrible things like she shouldn’t be wasting her time with me was draining. To think the person I love most shouldn’t be with me is one thing. To think about all the ways I was terrible to her is another.
And here is the problem. I am an awful, selfish person for thinking all these things. I wish I could stop, or I was smart enough to learn, but my brain miraculously always finds some new way to fuck up, and I’m back to square one. Keep in mind that I think about how shitty I am and how awful I am every day. In fact, I think about how I must have wanted to sabotage that relationship for all the reasons I have mentioned. Now, it’s like I’ve become an emotional burden because I can’t stop thinking about all the bad things I’ve done. On the plus side, I did live with a psychopath who reminded me every minute of every day that I was a complete waste and that the world would be better off without me.
I knew by the second date I wanted to marry Pam. We had known each other for ten years, and everything about her was perfect and familiar and enjoyable. She talked about moving here, getting a job, and finding a place to live. I asked her why she wanted a place to live when my place was big enough for both of us. She said she was taking nothing for granted. (On a side note, The Narc wanted to move in with me after our first phone call).
So, after dropping Pam at the airport, foolishly, I drove to my parent’s house to tell them I bought a ring and had a place picked out to ask her to marry me. “I hope you can get your money back,” my father said. “She’s the pretty girl, right? She is way too pretty and too good for you. Forget it.” I would say TKO, but I was lying on the canvas. Stunned. Shocked. This was a shot to the chin. A clean knockout. The only woman I ever loved and the man who I listened to and trusted more than anyone in the entire universe had told me to forget her because I wasn’t good enough. And you know what? Do you know why it was a total knockout? Because I put up no fight. No questions. No passion. This was the woman I loved? Yes. She could totally do better than me. And do you know what’s worse? Deep down, I wanted him to say those words. I needed him to tell me that I had no right to be with the only woman I ever loved. The most beautiful woman in the world could certainly do better than me. And I knew it, and so did my father.
She so obviously deserves someone who treats her perfectly already and doesn’t do any crying, whining, or introducing sadness to her.
But I only want what is best for her. Well, that’s not entirely true. If it were, I would not be walking around in a total fog, thinking about her and how to reach out to her all day long. And to this day, I think I know something about her that has not changed. And if what I’m thinking is true, I should keep walking and never reach out to her. Because as much as I know, I am still the only person for her, despite every insecurity screaming otherwise, she loves her independence as much as I love mine. She needs her single life. Loneliness is not a problem for her, and she has more friends than most, so holidays are never dull or, dare I say, lonely. (Pam has so many friends that she has her own cloud. And when she needs to reach out to one of her contacts, a beautiful rainbow appears). She has a sense of mastery — a belief that she has the skills or knowledge to do what she needs or that she can develop them and would probably enjoy doing so.
There’s more, so much more. When she needs to make decisions (including small ones about her day-to-day life or big ones about significant life choices), she doesn’t think it’s tragic if no one person always makes those decisions with her. She may or may not want input from others, but ultimately, she is happy to have the final say.
This is troubling, but I think it’s true. If she were in a serious romantic relationship and it ended, maybe she would feel sad or hurt; but she may also feel relieved because now she gets to go back to the life that feels right to her. On the other hand, she would never be in a serious relationship ever again. Oh, I’m not saying it because of me, but she is way too bright. At this point in her life, who needs it?
Finally, she is living the life that is the best, most authentic, most fulfilling, and most meaningful life for her. All I can do is screw it up or prove that the other guy no longer exists. Because I don’t want to make her feel like I did. I want to make her feel like she deserves it. I will make her tea and let her sit back and relax while I do the dishes.