I’m going out on a limb here but I will say most of us marry with the best of intentions: kids, a dog, a happy, healthy home — and when the kids are older, growing old together.
Years ago, I thought of myself as someone who would probably never get married. I thought I was just “wired” for relationships that were fun but ultimately short-lived. I dated (a lot), slept around, and always had an exit strategy and a funny story for the people in the office the next day.
No one goes into a marriage expecting divorce — but it happens. And when it happens to you, calling the split a “failed marriage” is difficult to live with.
There were joyful times, kids, and how they changed both of our lives, and the time trying to repair the relationship before the actual filing for divorce.
But what happens when the divorce is inevitable? What happens when one or both partners decide enough is enough? Does it define who you are? Are your children the product of a broken home? Can you overcome what took place and move on? Does divorce make you a failure?
After a year of deep contemplation and an impressive deal of blame, I have concluded I didn’t fail at marriage. I gave everything I had to my marriage. I failed myself. I let my marriage become the only thing that mattered, risking my health in the process.
Upon conclusion of all documents being signed, at least in my case, we had been apart and living our own separate lives, so while my divorce date is August 13, 2018, our separation began at least a year before.
When I received my divorce documentation in the mail, I was unsure of how to react. Do I call a friend and celebrate? Do I go home and cry? Do I ignore it? I ignored it, or at least I thought I did until I started to think about it.
The Price
Divorce is expensive. Lawyer’s fees, giving up the property that had sentimental value, child support, alimony.
But marriage is expensive. In my case it cost me an impressive deal of money, most of my friends, my immediate family, and, in the end most of my premarital property! (She ignored two court orders to return my property and to adhere to the Co-Parenting agreement).
None of my friends, not some of them, NONE of them, liked my ex-wife. And nobody told me, so they faded away.
I was married to a narcissist. I was unaware that my issue had a name. It’s funny the things we learn after the divorce is final. In my case it was like a slow-working poison. I never felt quite right but could not put my finger on it.
It started out slowly. I never saw it as abuse. It took slight bites out of me and I felt unsure of myself. But I was in my safe place, with my folks, my friends, my apartment, so my defenses were down. I continued to brush it off.
While dating and throughout the marriage I continued the attempt of making her happy. No matter how much I tried, I was always unsuccessful. ALWAYS!
“Why are you talking to your brother? Are you avoiding me? Why must you see your mother? She hates me, ya know.”
I tried, and I tried, and I tried. So, when it was finally time to call it quits, I blamed myself.
I know now that she blamed me (and my family). Everything was my fault.
After freely speaking with some people, people she disliked, they all had the same message. As long as she is blaming you and she is trying to tell your teenage boys that you are at fault, perhaps you should get off your back.
It’s An Old Story
This is not the first time I have written about my marriage to a narcissist. But, unless you have lived it, or witnessed it, you cannot understand it. Websters defines narcissist as “a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.”
Okay. So, let’s say a narcissist is a person who focuses more on themselves than on others. Maybe one can live with that. However, Websters takes it one step further.
It’s Not Normal
There is something called Narcissistic Personality Disorder — one of several types of personality disorders — a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
That was it. She was never going to change.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school, or financial affairs.
People with NPD may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they’re not given the special favors or admiration they believe they deserve. They may find their relationships unfulfilling, and others may not enjoy being around them.
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
This was my life. A slow, daily beat down. Every day.
From the time I woke up until I went to bed.
I was wrong in the morning. (I was taking a shower getting ready to go to work, a foreign concept to the Narc who refused to do menial labor. “I just went through your closet. You went to the Dry Cleaner. I told you-you are never to go there. How dare you? But everything is about you. Why should you listen to me? You are NOT to go there anymore. I will wash and iron your shirts and your suits do NOT need to be dry-cleaned!”)
“They do now,” I thought when she threw my newly dry cleaned suit in the water on the floor by the shower before walking away.
I was wrong in the afternoon. (The phone rang in my office. “What time are you leaving? If you are late, my dinner will be ruined and do not give me an excuse that you are working late. You are to be home by six o’clock? Do you understand?”)
I was wrong at night. (The light would go on at three o’clock in the morning. “I just read your e-mails. Funny how you have no time to talk to me, but you can send e-mails to your friends. You are such an asshole! I hate you! Everybody I know hates you. You make me sick, and I checked your phone. You spoke to your mother again. What don’t you get about that I am your wife? I come first. Your mother is a complete bitch. What don’t you get about that?”).
FINALLY
A friend reminded me I got out alive and needed to rebuild my life into something better. I learned the lessons I needed to learn and I’m a better person for it. I’ve always been giving and loyal and willing to do anything for the people I loved, but my marriage taught me I don’t have to set myself on fire to keep someone else warm. I should take advantage of where I am and do everything she would not allow.
“You are not a failure,” he said. “Marriage is a tough situation. You both must commit yourselves to it. There are no days off. In your case, you were not meant to be together. The marriage was doomed from the start. She was more concerned with your band at the wedding than you. The marriage was a failure, not you.”
So I opened up. “The marriage? It was a nightmare. But the divorce? The divorce. From everything I read, she’s supposed to move on. But no. She keeps talking about me. She’s ignored the co-parenting agreement. She has kept most of my stuff, I mean, she’s kept old family albums, jewelry my dad gave me, autographed memorabilia. All of my clothes. I told her she could have EVERYTHING from the marriage. Just give me my stuff from before we met. I mean, she was a true hoarder. She spent every dime I ever had AND tells the kids and everybody she can, how pathetic I am. She hates my mother and has my sons hating her. Let me tell you something, only two people in the entire universe hated my mother. The guy who married her sister, but he was evil and The Narc. And that was nothing. She really despised my sister AND brother. “
“I get it. I get it.”
“I’m on a roll so let me just finish here. I know I’m whining and nobody really cares. Check this out. Every week, after the divorce, she sent me a text saying my son is not ready to see me. “He is sixteen and has no time to see you.” She TOTALLY ignored two court orders stating that he was supposed to see me on Saturdays. And let me tell you something else, my guess, she gave my Tag Heuer watch away as a gift! So why is she spreading these horrific rumors about me?”
“You have anger issues, you realize that? But I kind of wonder if anyone ever asked her why she married a man, and into a family, like this, and then had children with him? He must have had SOME redeeming qualities at some time.”
“She was thirty-five and for the past twenty years focused on getting married. She wanted to get married for her entire adult life. She wanted her father to walk her down the aisle in the worst way. She didn’t marry me out of love. She was running out of time. She just wanted to be married, have kids, and impress the old man. Oh, and to be clear, her sister has three kids, two sons, and a daughter. You should have been around when at thirty-nine she is screaming that she wants another child. Another child. “I want a daughter,” she screamed.
“At least you didn’t cave.”
“I’m thinking that our marriage is a joke, we do not like each other and now she wants another child. Forget like each other. I was scared of her and I think a lot of people knew it. Can you imagine if we had another one AND it wasn’t a girl?”
“Okay, let’s get back to the topic at hand. To answer your question, she may spread those rumors for many reasons.”
“You have reasons?”
“First. She wants to cope with the fact that you are in the wrong, you know, to make herself feel better. She’s just insecure, immature, and possibly envious.
Second. She is vengeful and seeking a personal vendetta because she believes in her mind you have wronged her.
Third. She wants to ruin your reputation so you won’t be able to find someone else better than her or set foot in your old neighborhood or ever have your boys talk to you.
Finally. She’s a vampire. She sucks the sanity and logic out of you while sucking the air out of every room she walks into. She is negative and, like your marriage, wants to drag you down with her. Talking bad about you validates her. Narcissists at their core are insecure and anxious with low self-esteem. All ex-partners are evidence of a failure. This is threatening to her on many levels so she needs everyone around her to know the relationship failed because you, my friend, were a terrible partner.”
“Terrific. Are you ready for this? My younger son turned eighteen a few months back. I’m notified, by the district, that he signed a document with his mother present stating he no longer wants me as his parent. The official who told me said that in twenty-five years as a county educator she had witnessed nobody sign such a document. Ever.”
“Woo. Vengeful, huh?”
“There is no way he does that unless she tells him every day that I am a piece of shit. I swear I don’t even think she loved the boys. She just used them. Look, everybody has issues. I’m far from saying I’m perfect. I had problems. The point of marriage is to work together. But not her. Always sticking her nose in my job. Did I ever tell you she had a terrific job working for her cousin? The guy was overpaying her to input data. He fired her in less than sixty days. And let me tell you something, there were two other people in that remote office. Two. But, just ask her, it was not her fault. Ya know her father one day said to me that she will never be satisfied. It wasn’t until my celebrated blue period after the divorce that I remembered those words. How could she be satisfied if she always had to be in control? The food I grilled was always cold or raw. If I suggested going out to dinner, she would start screaming that we had no money. If I said we should go to the movies, she would tell me her parents were coming over. One day I said we should get a dog, the boys are old enough. She told me she HATES dogs. They are dangerous. They are never getting pets. No cats, rabbits, or turtles.”
He shrugged. “Everybody knew. Her family knew, but after she turned your family and friends and sons against you, it was easier for them to side with her. But wait a second, didn’t you get along with her sister? “
“I did because I liked her. She was normal. This troubled The Narc terribly. We were somewhere for one of her son’s weddings and she grabbed my arm and asked me to have a drink with her. I could see that she needed a breather from dealing with the bride’s parents. Now, The Narc had given me the no drinking directive on the plane so I looked at her when her sister asked me for the drink. “
The Narc looked up and immediately told me I could go with the caveat that it was to be one.
“She had to control that too, huh?”
“We walked away and spoke for a few minutes. The glasses were small so we asked the bartender for another round and continued speaking.”
The Narc slikned over and asked if everything was okay.
Her sister said that all was good but asked if she could give us a few minutes to finish our conversation.
I got the stare and the whisper. “I thought I said you could have one drink. One. You have no idea how angry I am. And what is so important that you can’t say it in front of me?”
As she walked away, I said that I had not started the second drink but since I’m not driving, I will be drinking it.
The Narc whispered in my ear that she could not believe I could embarrass her like that before walking away.”
“I think her sister knew which is why she ordered the second one.”
“Why were you not allowed to drink?”
Because The Narc knew that I liked to drink. If I liked food, believe me, she would have told me I could have one hors d’oeuvres and two bites of the entre.”
Back to Normalcy
So now I go to sleep when I am tired. I wake up when I am supposed to wake up. Nobody calls me during the day to remind me I am not living up to expectations. I buy what I want. I eat when I want. I don’t have to explain who I am speaking to and why.
I heard an excellent line the other day from a woman talking about her marriage:
“I prefer to think my marriage was successful, it simply had an unexpected expiration date. It took a couple of years post-divorce to come to this conclusion.”
There are horrible reasons to get married and most are obvious and maybe even a little ridiculous. But it was really hard to take an objective look at my motivations and see them for what they really were.
So, I have deduced three horrendous reasons to get married.
TERRIBLE REASON TO GET MARRIED #1: TO SOLVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS
For some reason, a lot of people seem to think something magical happens when you get married and all the fights and toxic cycles of behavior disappear.
This is tragically misguided.
Committing to someone by getting married amplifies all facets of your relationship. So if you genuinely love and respect one another, that love and respect can grow and strengthen in a marriage.
But the same is true for the problems you have in your relationship. If you’re bad at communicating in your relationship, miscommunications will only get worse in your marriage. If you don’t have respect for one another, you won’t gain it by getting married. You’ll probably lose it even more.
Simply put, when you get married, things can get even better if they’re already good, but they only get worse if they’re already bad.
TERRIBLE REASON TO GET MARRIED #2: BECAUSE YOU’RE AFRAID OF BEING ALONE
Being alone can really suck.
This one is not me because I can live in a cave and be quite satisfied.
What sucks even more, though, is marrying the next person who comes along simply because you’re tired of being alone—and then they turn out to be terrible for you.
You’ve probably heard this before, but no one is going to be happy being with you if you can’t be happy being by yourself. I’m betting nobody ever told you how to go about doing that though. After all, it seems like a catch-22: you need to be happy by yourself before you can make someone else happy, but you’re not happy because you don’t have someone to make you happy.
The problem is the way you’re judging and valuing yourself. You’re valuing others’ opinions of you more than you’re valuing your own opinion of yourself. You think your value as a person is determined by who you’re with.
Just think about how fucked up that is for a second.
Develop yourself into who you want to be first. Get healthy. Leave your dead-end job and get serious about your career. Get your finances in order. Then find someone who is excited to be with you because you kick so much ass already.
The fact is that a marriage will not work unless both people are in it for each other and no one else. The world doesn’t care if you get married. Billions of people have done it. You don’t get a gold star and extra warm cookies on the plane just because you’re married. You also don’t get to rub it in anyone’s face for more than a few months, tops. And then what?
I’ll tell you what: then you’re stuck in a marriage trying to figure out if it was worth it.
Do either of these terrible reasons to get married apply to your situation? Well, first, don’t get married. Second, work on your relationship skills. Learn about healthy and toxic behaviors in relationships.
Familiarize yourself with how emotional needs work so you can better get yours met and meet the needs of others. It takes a lot of time, but it will save you a lot of pain and maybe a divorce or three down the road.
On the other hand, if you can take an honest look at your relationship and say that neither of these terrible reasons to get married applies to your situation, then great.
TERRIBLE REASON TO GET MARRIED #3: TO PROVE SOMETHING
Maybe your crazy aunt keeps telling you about how “the clock is ticking” and you’re not getting any younger. Or your father thinks you need to “grow up already.” Or maybe your parents got divorced and you’re determined to show the world that you’re better than them. Or all your friends are married now and you want to show them you’re not just the third or fifth or eleventh wheel all the time.
Sometimes it’s a little more subtle but just as fucked up. (That’s the second time I’ve used that word). Like some people see marriage as a status symbol, so they get married thinking they’ll parade around town with their spouse and people will bow in their presence like they just ended World War II single-handedly
Whatever it is, getting married to prove something to someone—or being bullied into it—is a god awful reason to do it.
I am working hard to move past where I was when I was married. As I slowly creep back into my friend’s lives, they tell me they are happy to have me and they were crushed by what they witnessed both during the marriage and what she did after the marriage.
Somebody e-mailed me a quote from the Dalai Lama. It is pasted to the back of my laptop.
“When you lose, don’t lose the lesson. Follow the three R’s: respect for self, respect for others, and responsibility for all your actions. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck. Judge your success by what you had to give up to get it.”