Of Guardian Angels and Life

Angels surround us from the very beginning of our life on earth. We can see guardian Angels throughout Scripture, such as in the book of Judith where she states that God’s “angel hath been my keeper” (Judith 13:20 DRA). Jesus taught his disciples about the existence of Guardian Angels when speaking about protecting little children, “See that you do not despise one of these little ones; for I tell you that in heaven their angels always behold the face of my Father who is in heaven” (Matthew 18:10).

Though not explicitly revealed in Scripture, theologians believe that all human beings, whether or not they are Christian, are assigned a Guardian Angel. Pope Pius XII related in an address how, “Everyone, no matter how humble he may be, has angels to watch over him.”

This is consistent with Sacred Scripture, the teachings of Saints Thomas Aquinas, Basil, and Jerome, and experiences from non-Christians who believe a Guardian Angel helped them.

That’s all terrific, but how does a guy from the South Shore of Long Island living in South Florida (go figure, another New York Jew living in Delray Beach) come to quote such scripture?

It’s easy. We get an idea in our heads and then do as much research as possible. We then read, and we read, and we read.

Questioning My Life

It was late, and I wondered why I struggled with suicidal thoughts regularly.

Most times I’m able to ignore them. The thought might catch me off-guard, but it quickly passes through my mind and I go about my day.

But other times, these thoughts stick around. It’s like it drops an enormous weight onto me, and I’m struggling to get out from underneath it. I suddenly get an intense urge and desire to end it all, and the thoughts can become overwhelming.

In those moments, I’m convinced I’ll do anything to get out from under that weight, even if it means ending my life. It’s like there’s a glitch in my brain that’s triggered, and my mind goes haywire.

Even if that glitch is temporary, it can feel like it will last forever.

With time, though, I’ve become more aware of these thoughts and learned to manage when things get tough. It’s taken a lot of practice but being aware of the lies my brain tells me when I’m suicidal helps to combat them.

If this last year has taught me anything, it is that no matter what depression tells you, there is always hope.

I was in a relationship with someone who was a narcissist and came to learn that I was experiencing Narcissistic Victim Syndrome because of domestic violence from our relationship. Narcissists often look charming on the outside, but commonly cause great pain and trauma for their partner.

Go explain how at 6 feet 2 inches and 190 pounds I was petrified of this 5 foot nothing woman who, when not insulting me, was lobbing horrific slanderous bombs about my mother, sister, brother, and every friend I had ever known.

I do not yell. I don’t enjoy yelling. Yellers have no ability to communicate. They cannot form an argument. My dad was a yeller, and it was a horrific trait. As soon as he became upset, the yelling began. It was not often, but when it happened, even our dog ran for cover.

So, it figures that I marry someone who could not control her anger. And let’s be clear, hell hath no fury or contempt as a narcissist you dare to disagree with, tell they’re wrong or embarrass. You don’t want to get on the wrong side of them because if you do, they are capable of a rage that is chilling.

Other characteristic traits of narcissists include:

• Control freaks
• Irritability
• Short fuses
• Low frustration tolerance
• Argumentative
• Need to have the last word
• Unable to lose
• Won’t take “no” for an answer
• Quick to anger if you don’t accommodate them
• Quick to being aggressively defensive if you call them on any deficiency, fault, or responsibility
• Can’t apologize or if you do, can’t do it sincerely
• Rarely say, “Thank you” or “Congratulations”
• Don’t feel or show remorse
• Feel entitled to enthusiastic and appreciative approval, adoration, agreement and obedience
• Gloat in victory, sullen in defeat
• Quick to rage if you humiliate them

What is the Connection Between Narcissism and Rage?

There is a saying that when you’re a hammer, the world looks like a nail. When you’re a narcissist, the world looks like it should approve, adore, agree and obey you. Anything less than that feels like an assault and because of that, a narcissist feels justified in raging back at it.

What is at the core of narcissists is not what they often refer to as low self-esteem. That is not accurate, but something that the people around them say to themselves to mollify their own rage at the narcissist, i.e., “Oh, they only act that way, because they lack self-esteem.”

What is really at the core of narcissists is an instability in their capacity to feel and sustain feeling bigger, larger, smarter, and more successful than everyone else, which they need to feel stable. And just as Hamlet’s mother said, “The lady doth protest too much,” “The narcissist doth brag, scorn, talk down, primp and belittle too much” in order to prove to the world and themselves that they are larger than life. This is not to increase their self-esteem as much as it is to continually spackle the holes in their core that lead to a feeling of instability—and that, if not spackled, will lead to brittleness followed by fragmentation.

Narcissistic rage occurs when that core instability is threatened, and furthermore threatened to destabilize them even further. Not unlike a wounded animal being the most vicious (because they think the next wound would kill them), narcissistic rage occurs when narcissists believe the next insult/assault to their grandiose based stability would shatter them.

And after years of being on the receiving end, I was unrecognizable outwardly and inwardly. I hated who I saw in the mirror and wanted the person I had become to disappear. One of the dangerous details that happens when you’re involved with a narcissist is that their ability to chip away at your self-esteem can lead you to self-doubt. People coming out of relationships with narcissists typically have a feeling of never being good enough. They experience crippling self-doubt because they have been told for so long that they are wrong… about everything.

Back to the Spiritual

If everyone is given a Guardian Angel, when does this assignment occur?

The only official statement about the timing of this assignment comes from the Catechism of the Catholic Church, which states, “From its beginning until death, human life is surrounded by their watchful care and intercession. ‘Beside each believer stands an angel as protector and shepherd leading him to life’” (CCC 336).

I know what you are thinking. Steve, what does Catechism of the Catholic Church even mean?

We have defined a catechism as “a book that explains the beliefs of the Christian religion by using a list of questions and answers”. … The Celebration of the Christian Mystery (the Sacred Liturgy, and especially the sacraments) Life in Christ (including the Ten Commandments).

So, let’s get crazier and dig a little deeper into this world.

The statement is not precise and points to the “beginning” of human life. Theologians have debated over the centuries the exact moment of this assignment, and there are multiple views.

For example, St. Jerome says simply, “how great the dignity of the soul, since each one has from his birth an angel commissioned to guard it.” This was a popular opinion for many centuries, based on the scientific knowledge they possessed at the time.

On the other hand, St. Anselm states, “Every soul is committed to an angel at the moment when it is united with a body.” While this too is debated among theologians, many believe this occurs at conception. According to a Vatican document compiled by Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger in 1987, “the spiritual soul of each man is ‘immediately created’ by God.”

A Guardian Angel is likely appointed at the moment of conception. It is not a dogmatic belief of the Catholic Church but appears to follow from other teachings that have been handed down over the centuries and would be consistent with Jesus’ words in the Gospel of Matthew.

Even if an individual Guardian Angel isn’t assigned at conception, the mother’s Guardian Angel would be automatically put in charge of the developing human being in the womb.

Whether or not we realize it, from the very beginning of our lives we are surrounded by heavenly angels who want to protect us from all spiritual and physical harm. We have the free will to allow them to do their jobs or we can cut ourselves off from their protecting help. It is a profound mystery, one that we will never fully understand until we finally meet our Guardian Angel in the life to come.

I’m hoping you see where I’m going. So, stay with me for a moment because I’m on a narrow path here.

According to Rabbi Leo Trepp, in late Judaism, the belief developed that, “the people have a heavenly representative, a guardian angel. Every human being has a guardian angel. Previously the term `Malakh’, angel, simply meant messenger of God.” Chabad believes that people might indeed have guardian angels.

So, do Jews believe that each person has a guardian angel watching over him or her?

In my five decades, I have never heard an answer to this question. I do know or at least have been indoctrinated with the teachings that Jews do believe in angels–spiritual entities who exist to perform the will of G‑d–the Scriptures contain many references to such supernal beings. But the popular idea of private and personal guardian angels is not part of Jewish theology.

So I was curious. What do angels do?  It was kind of like that song by Joan Osborne, What if God was one of us? Rabbi Gunther Plaut, of blessed memory, says in the Torah Commentary that they are “superior beings with special powers.” Open your TaNakH, your Jewish Bible. Angels speak, sit, stand, walk, climb ladders, fly, ride horses, use weapons, escort people to heaven or hell, bring prophecy, dialogue with God, act as God’s cabinet – as a sounding board and in advisory roles, worship God and sing in God’s heavenly choir (Kadosh, Kadosh, Kadosh), do God’s bidding, record our deeds in the Book of Life, carry divine messages (Malach means messenger), act as heavenly janitors and security guards, lift peoples spirits and help people in a time of need (there was the angel who was with Hagar when Abraham cast her out?), and serve as God’s escort service to heavenly realms and even to Sheol, our Jewish equivalent of a dark place after death.

Crazy, right?

We Jews believe in a personal G‑d who constantly watches over each one of us, and over all of creation. Occasionally He may send an angel to help or save us, but the angel is merely His emissary.

However, our sages tell us that each mitzvah (good deed) that we do creates an angel that serves as a shield and protection for us. After our passing, these angels testify on our behalf before the Heavenly Courts.

So, in that sense, we create our own guardian angels. (This explains so much about me. I think one lonely angel will be there on my behalf and you must figure that he will be there under protest).

Not exactly what I was searching for during my time of despair. I wanted a guardian angel. I wanted someone, spiritual or otherwise, to tell me why I should live and to explain why everything in my life happened the way it did. I wanted to change my world around and make me a better person and a person who liked himself. A person who did not want to vomit every time he looked in the mirror.

Do I Have a Living Angel in My Life?

The holidays are approaching. Everyone loves to talk about angels at this time of year. They want to know their guardian angel’s name. They want to know what their guardian angel’s name means. Can they talk to their guardian angel like a friend, or do they need to pray? Can they use any prayer, or does it need to be one meant specifically for angels? Can they talk to angels other than their guardian angel? How?

A side note fits in here. My dad loved old movies. Well, he loved all movies. Some of my fondest memories are of the two of us sitting in the family room late at night (or early morning, take your pick) after my mother went to bed and him introducing me to some new world, Seven Days in May, The Manchurian Candidate, The Third Man, and of course It’s a Wonderful Life to name but a few.

That last one stays with me to this very day. I watch it, alone, during the holidays and think about my life and my dad. The narc did her best to make sure our now adult sons want nothing to do with me, and that makes for a lonely holiday. (Not for them I hope. Just me). But oh, how I think about Clarence Odbody, a fictional guardian angel sent down to help George Bailey.

It gets even worse with signs and messages that are supposedly from angels. They have a thousand questions about the meaning behind the color of the feather they found. Or in the case of Howard Stern writer, Sal Governale, the dime he just picked up. Is it really a sign from an angel? What does it mean? Does finding a red feather mean you are going to stay healthy throughout the winter or does it suggest that there is passion in your future?

Does the passion refer to a new relationship or to a hobby or cause that you will discover soon and want to dedicate much of your energy toward pursuing? What are some other ways your guardian angel leaves you messages? Is that song stuck in your head a sign that you need to pay close attention or is it just an earworm that requires grade-A, nuclear strength, music pesticide to kill?

See what I mean about Clarence? I’m envious. He came down and looked like a person and straightened out George.

Despite the overwhelming amount of information that seems to exist on angels, angel habits, angel messages and everything else angelic, few people seem to notice the angels they encounter in their everyday lives. No, this does not mean that every pigeon feather you find on the ground represents an angel following you around, or every dime you see on the sidewalk means that somebody is looking after you.

Spoiler Alert: They Don’t Have Wings

In fact, the angels you are overlooking do not leave feathers. They do not even have wings. At least, they do not have the kind of wings you normally picture on the backs of angels. They do not have halos, harps, or long white robes. Instead, they sit in the cubicle next to you or hold your hand when you cry. To your human eyes, they appear to be ordinary humans. Therefore, you dismiss them. They are not, however, ordinary. They are mortal, yes, but they are also far more than that. They are living angels, and you have likely never even noticed how much they help you get through hard times or raise you high during periods of success.

Living angels can appear anywhere in your life and at any time. They might be someone that you have known for years, or they could be a person you bumped into during your morning commute to work on an otherwise perfectly ordinary Tuesday. Sometimes, there are hints in that instant you are dealing with someone who has more than a touch of divine light in their heart. Other times, you may not even realize how clearly the person had God’s ear until you look back at your interaction’s weeks, months or even years later. As such, it can be difficult to see at the moment who your living angels are in your life. There are, however, usually signs that your friend, family member or the oddly friendly barista at Starbucks has a hidden halo.

Living angels are those people who seem to bring out the best in the world around them. When your life seems to be falling apart, they are there to help you. They know how to keep you on your feet, and they know when to let you cry, rage, or simply collapse. These are, however, all qualities that could be found in a friend. Living angels, however, take it a step further. The advice they give seems to ring with some divine truth. When they tell you to keep your chin up, they use some sort of spiritual quote or message that seems to be exactly what you need to pull yourself together. They might also simply message you out of the blue one day. You might not have told a soul about how your family life is falling apart because of your crumbling engagement.

You have carefully hidden from everyone how you feel you are a human dumpster-fire and unworthy of anything good in life. Low and behold, that coworker you ate lunch with a grand total of once shoots you a text with a quote about God’s love written overtop of a picture of a beautiful sunset and the note, “made me think of you!” This person has no reason to know anything about your problems, but they knew exactly what God needed them to tell you. That sort of person is a living angel.

They are around just before your greatest spiritual moments or seem to have something to do with those impossible and perfectly timed coincidences. They may be a permanent part of your life or someone who drifts in and out, but when you have someone like that in your life, make sure you listen to what they say. They may not see their own halo, but they know better than anyone exactly what He needs them to say.

Who Knew?

I have an angel. Who knew? I showed up on her doorstep late one afternoon and she offered me a cocktail. As is my norm, I finished it rather quickly and after pouring another, she asked me if I liked halibut because that is what she was making us for dinner.

Us?

We never spoke about my issues. She never asked about my problems or why I was there. She was too smart. I was gaunt and tired and in no condition to explain. She told me about her day and why she was still in Florida. After all, on this late day of June, she should have been spending her summer vacation enjoying the museums and shows and fine restaurants of New York City.

“I recently had the apartment re-decorated and I am unhappy with this section,” she explained, pointing to the large television hanging from the wall over the counter below it.

“My designer was here earlier, and I think we came up with a solution so I can head up to New York shortly.”

She rose from her couch facing the TV to pour herself a second drink but first walked into the linen closet of the spare bedroom. She placed sheets, a blanket, a towel, and a pillow on the chair next to the bed.

“You’ll stay here tonight,” she said, walking to the kitchen to check her fish and pour her cocktail.

And that was it. I knew she had a bevy of questions. Why was I there? Did she file for divorce? Can you see the children? Was it ugly? What is your plan? Where are you going from here? Are you staying in Florida?

And I’m certain she wanted to say, “I told you to end this thing years ago. Any normal person would have walked away.”

And of course, “What were you thinking? She kicked you, separated you from your friends and family, insulted you day after day and spent all your money. It’s not like people didn’t see it happening.”

She never asked. When I woke up on Saturday, she was sitting on her couch reading the New York Times. “Good morning. I have orange juice, but if you want coffee, we must stop on the way.”

I rubbed my eyes and stretched before sitting on the sofa and asking, “on the way?”

“You have nothing, and she is not about to let you stop by to pick some things up. So, hop in the shower and let’s do some shopping for you.”

Moving Forward

The next few months allowed me to get my bearings. I got to know my cousin very well and in time, she came to understand my thought process. She was a sounding board, encouraged me to write, cooked every night with the caveat I sit with her and have a cocktail prior to her preparation of dinner, and discuss my day and concerns and no longer worry about being told I was worthless and useless and had no business being alive.

We laughed. We talked. It made me believe I offered value as a person. Me? Value?

She turned me back into a person. She showed me that people make mistakes and how to recover from those mistakes.

When my depression was at its worst, I would sometimes wake up wishing I hadn’t. But then something in the back of my mind, something exceedingly small but nevertheless still there, told me to talk to her. In a short time, she had debunked all the lies my depression was feeding me.

For a while, she was the only person I felt comfortable telling anything to, good or bad. She taught me the value of opening up to those around me and strengthened my relationships with others. She gave me a safe space where I could talk about anything and everything. She showed me that people care about me, that I am liked by those around me.

She asked for my help and refused to get upset if it took a few moments to figure out an answer. She constantly helped me and refused to allow mild outbursts to be a detriment to finding a solution to my problem. She remains helpful, caring, compassionate, kind, accommodating, supportive. She is a nonstop helpful person who I have labeled as selfless. But more important than any of that is how everything she does is always performed with grace.

Even though getting better is hard, it is possible.

Whether or not we realize it, from the very beginning of our lives we are surrounded by heavenly angels who want to protect us from all spiritual and physical harm. We have the free will to allow them to do their jobs or we can cut ourselves off from their protecting help. It is a profound mystery, one that we will never fully understand until we finally meet our Guardian Angel in the life to come.

I had forgotten what it felt like to go outside and feel as if you’re not dying with every jolt of fresh air, a new paranoia entering your lungs and travelling to all parts of your body. The rush (and not a good rush) you feel when you see a person staring at you and all the parts of your body shivering and sends you straight to hell. The anxiety you feel when you use public transportation, or any public arena and your entire body just stops the minute something even slightly different happens. The feeling of emptiness which clutches you deep within your stomach as the day passes. All that was vacant. 

My Guardian Angel was the person who stepped in. She was the person who cared enough to do something. She IS the reason I didn’t die that night. She is also one of many reasons I’m still alive today.

I know that couldn’t have been easy for her. I know that date is cemented in her mind just as much as it is cemented in my own. I know that took more courage and strength than words can express.

Angels? Guardian or otherwise, they are out there, and they do exist. No feathers. No wings. Real flesh. Actual blood. You just never know where you might find them or what they look like or if you already know them.

So, how’s this? I can never pay back my angel. She is totally aware. I can force myself to work on a daily improvement plan. I can show her that her assistance is not in vein. I can focus on a future that involves learning from the past.

Look, while we are not supernatural beings, we can learn from the angels. The first thing you must do is find yours. Try to imitate them by your day-to-day responses to others in need. By being present for another to listen or offer assistance, we can pay it forward here on earth, making another angel present in the world.