Sometimes you just have to have faith and take a chance...even when your heart is shaking

I have received several e-mails questioning my feelings for Pam.

“Impossible. If this woman was all that you say, no human being would ever walk away. Either you’re a liar or a moron.”

“Where is this woman? Does she really exist or is she a figment of your imagination? Beautiful, fun, and encouraging? I want her.”

“She really doesn’t exist, right? You are trying to prove a point. Maybe that you have such low self-esteem that you cannot satisfy any woman. Or maybe she is looking better because of that place you were in. Nobody can be this wonderful because if she really is and she really does exist, you must tell her and then let us know what happens. Life is much too short. Don’t you agree?”

Okay. Okay. Most of the time, yes, I do feel like a moron. Like a complete and utter failure. A person who has been qualified to walk on this earth with absolutely no redeeming qualities. None. I am qualified to do nothing. This is the fault of nobody. Not anyone. At this point in my life, I can no longer blame others. Besides, who cares? Okay, it’s on my parents. There, I said it. Now what? They raised an idiot. Shouldn’t I own it by now? Although let’s be clear, I go to the cemetery occasionally to show them who I have become. Yeah, every now and again, they can own it.

Hang on. There is something I do very well. I have learned, no, mastered, the art of solitude. I am a hermit and enjoy every moment—me, extra large coffee, cream only, and the ocean waves. And you know what… I like it. When I’m alone, nobody can hurt me. Nobody can tell me how stupid, lifeless, and inconsequential I am. I understand you are reading this and thinking I am taking you sideways… again. But I’m not. I am telling you that besides having a limited skill set, I would not be good at seeking her out. I do dream of it. I see it. It’s as clear as a perfect glass of vodka on the rocks. We meet, and she is as beautiful as ever. We talk late into the night, and it’s all enjoyable. And she even asked me if I would like to see her again. And again, we have a lovely evening, and this time she asks me if I would like to come in for a nightcap.

And we talk on the phone and make plans to see each other, and I tell her everything. Everything. My family. Two beautiful young men enjoying a happy life without a father who is unconditionally in love with them. My inability to think for myself. Even my bizarre break up with her and how I ended up in a place most people do not know exists.

And that’s it. It’s me, so I have no ending to the story. I see us walking on the beach and talking and making her laugh. But I can’t land the plane. I can’t close the deal. I cannot balance the checkbook. I still cannot allow myself, at least in that playground in my mind, to enjoy my time with the only woman I have ever loved.

“The best possible thing you can get out of a relationship is that you’re with someone who encourages you to be the best version of yourself every day.” ~Nishan Panwar

Let me ask you a question. When was the last time you felt supported? When was the last time you felt safe, at home, encouraged, and able to be one hundred percent yourself?

You are truly blessed if your partner creates a safe space for you to do this. If not, have you ever wondered why you don’t feel safe, supported, and loved?

So, here’s the story

A while back, a friend of mine and her sister came for a weekend visit. When she told me she was coming, I asked about Pam. She and Pam were very close. “Funny. Pam is heading to the Keys on Saturday morning. She would love to come on Friday afternoon and leave in the morning.”

We met up with a good friend at a local Boca Raton haunt. I had opened up to him about my feelings for her and how she wanted to keep our relationship platonic.

That did not stop him from telling her everything we had discussed this Friday night. I think he got through to her about my true feelings along with Mary Beth. It was an unforgettable evening when we returned to my apartment. Mary Beth and her sister passed out. Pam and I spoke for a while, and before we almost lost consciousness, she asked me how I felt, and I told her I was crazy about her.

It took time to understand why the most beautiful woman I knew, not to mention one of my best friends, would allow me to date her.

At the beginning of our relationship, I idolized her. I had an image of her in my head as my friend, and it was one of unrealistic perfection, non-stop humor and happiness, and a loving girlfriend who would walk while holding my hand and laugh at my jokes, just as I’d watched her do with other guys.

My experiments on finding happiness have varied over the years—drinking, drugs, yoga, meditation, and talking to others.

But we can’t solely rely on anything or anyone to make us happy. We must create the happiness part for ourselves.

At the beginning of our relationship, I realized I was asking for the world from a woman I was placing too many expectations and assumptions on.

Having such powerful feelings about another person shook me to my core. It made me re-evaluate my beliefs. I learned what it was like to care about someone. Everything I had believed, everything I stood for, vanished. I found a whole new world opened for me.

And because it was Pam, she delivered. She was everything I wanted her to be. Beautiful. Caring. Curious. And most important, supportive. She is such a wonderful person wrapped in an attractive package. I loved every second of my time with her.

It was love. At least for me, it was. And love makes you different. Love makes you happy. Love makes you hopeful. Love makes you grateful. Love makes you inspired. Love changes your life.

It was the first time I fell in love, unlike anything I had ever experienced. I had heard about it in all the romantic comedies I’d seen. Yes, I’d read about it in those Jackie Collins novels I can now admit I read in my early twenties. But I didn’t know what it was until I experienced it.

I was no longer closed-minded. Yes, I became a yes person. I learned the meaning of never say never. I had a new outlook on life.

The me I want back

Here are ten reasons being in love with Pam was the best feeling in the world. (Yes, it remains that way. I want to reach out, but… there are no buts. Any of the people in my orbit who helped to sabotage it last time, I include myself on that list, are no longer around. Well, I am, and after everything in my life that has taken place, I somehow think I am ready to have a cup of chamomile tea with her. I think that was her favorite, and talk).

She Makes You Feel Invincible
She makes you feel as if you can do anything. Your approach to life is brighter and happier. You dare to do things you didn’t think you could do.
She Gives You Incredible Inspiration
Being in love with her makes you feel inspired. She gives you a can-do attitude that you can approach anything, anywhere, anytime. Being in love with her gives you motivation. Your attitude is optimistic and always positive.
She Makes You Happy
When you’re in love with her, you’re blissfully happy.
She Makes You a Hopeful Romantic
Falling in love with Pam makes you a romantic. Pam gives you hope that there is a perfect person for you.
She Makes You Eliminate Your Fear
Being in love with Pam makes you fearless. The things that used to frighten you disappear when you love her. You know your cheerleader is in your corner to help you with whatever is needed. You almost feel protected because you’re so happy.
She Makes You Be the Best Version of Yourself
You’re doing what brings you happiness, purpose, and meaning. Your sense of humor, talk, and confidence are all better with Pam. You’re nice to everyone, and (this is big) you’re eternally thankful.
She Makes You Rich
Being in love with Pam makes you feel rich. You don’t stress about your finances or material things because you feel blessed. You feel rich in a way that matters.
She Puts You in A State of Total Confusion
Being in love with Pam makes you confused — it shakes you to your core and has you rethinking your beliefs. Love is puzzling enough. But being in love with this woman makes you marvel at how you can care about someone so much. Loving Pam gives you a yearning — it makes you miss her in ways you never thought possible. (Every time I drop her off at the airport, I cry, and she’s smiling).
She Makes You Selfless
Being in love with Pam makes you mad — literally. It encourages you to want to do things you aren’t used to doing. It makes you selfless in ways you didn’t know existed. You think about her needs before your own.
She Makes You Believe
And being in love with Pam makes you hopeful. It makes you believe in happily ever after. When you’re single, you wonder if you’ll ever meet your soulmate. I mean, is there such a thing? Soulmate? Really? But here’s the thing, Pam makes you know it is possible, and when it happens, it’s astonishing. I was told that I was her person. Is it possible that she needs me as much as I need her?

To be clear

Being friendly with Pam is beyond the writings of a Maya Angelou poem or the great lyrics of a Springsteen, Paul Simon, or Billy Joel song.

Simply put, her crazy-ass optimism always brings out the best in everyone.

She is persistent and tenacious. She treats obstacles as stepping stones on her way to success, learns from setbacks, and never stops until she achieves her goal. She is passionate. She is compassionate with others and can be an understanding boss, but she won’t let anyone walk all over her.

And when you are in love with her? When you love her, you can throw a lasso around the moon, pull it down, and hand it to her.

And if anyone is paying attention, they understand I can not go long without a cliche. So, thank you, Jimmy Durante.

“It’s so important to make someone happyMake just one, someone happyMake just one heart-to-heart you, you sing to”

That’s the story. Pam exists, and she is lovely, a fine wine, a social superior, a fragile flower opening to the warmth of spring. Choose your metaphor. And you know what else? She is making the world a better place. Happily ever after? Once upon a time.