The Narc took it all, especially My Sons. She didn’t? Here Comes the Smear Campaign.

It took FOREVER to finally leave The Narc, only to realize that once I made that fateful decision, my name became mud.

She was not going to let me go without a fight. I was going to be villainized like I never experienced before the breakup.

All my friends and family heard how crazy, unbalanced, manipulative, abusive, and narcissistic I am. My now ex-narc was sure to strike first, and I did not want to strike at all, but my hand did seem forced.

The smear campaign of a person with narcissism can be so convincing. Since, throughout the relationship, I mainly kept my mouth shut about the problems I was having, no one really saw this coming. And let me tell you something you by now already know, when your ex starts to talk negatively about you, with feelings of hurt and strong conviction, others may be inclined to believe what they hear. They had no idea how “crazy” I was, but now, if they think about it, they do remember the time I did x y or z.

Like many people with narcissistic qualities, my ex can be a master manipulator. She can turn on the sad eyes and tears, convincing everyone how dearly she is loved by them and how clueless they are about why it ended so abruptly. Maybe it’s a midlife crisis on my part. Obviously, something is wrong with me.

The smear campaign may even work with your children. The children have become so accustomed to an abusive relationship that the concept of scapegoating seems normal. Blaming and villainizing others has been modeled as acceptable. They may see nothing abnormal about making you a target of wrath. And since they love the parent with narcissism, they likely want to win their favor, which makes it that much easier for them to join in the campaign.

I’m interrupting here. My two sons were teenagers when we began divorce proceedings. Their mother ignored court order after court order stating she and I had a co-parenting agreement. They were informed she had been awarded sole custody. Let’s add in how she told them and anyone else who would listen how I refused to pay child support. (It’s not a choice, you must pay child support or risk going to jail).

She had them block my number despite the judge ordering her to have them cancel it.

She played the timing game. Ignore the judge’s orders. Wait for me to reach out to my attorney. Wait to get on the court calendar. Son number one turns 18. Done.

More motions. More calendar appointments. More ignoring. Son number two turns 18.

“See ya, Dad. Mom was right about you. We despise you and Grandma and your whole stinkin’ family.”

Did they really say that? Of course not. But what’s the difference? They are young men in college ignoring my texts, with blocks still on their phone and social media. That Narc, she was good.

Back to our regularly scheduled rant

Here’s how a good smear campaign works. (I know from first-hand experience):

It generally contains an element of truth. For instance, if the person with narcissism complains you abandoned the relationship, well, this is true. They will likely go on and on about how all they ever wanted was to love you and stay with you, but you, in your evilness, flippantly left the relationship—for no reason other than you don’t care about anything other than yourself and can’t keep your commitments.

It is done with implication. The person with narcissism may say something like, “I don’t want to sound mean, but certain people, who shall remain nameless, have me worried.” The person with narcissism may imply that, no matter how hard they have tried to help you or deal with your issues, you are irreparable. Some people—you are one of them—are just hopeless. Implication can be an amazingly effective tool. Those listening come to their conclusions about you based on this subtly nefarious input.

It is also done overtly. Sometimes the person with narcissism just comes right out and says it: you are a no-good lunatic! They will tell story after story about all the awful things you’ve done. They will take every vulnerability you’ve revealed to them and use it now, along with made-up information, to tarnish your reputation and slander your name.

It is relentless. No one holds a grudge quite like a person with narcissism. They can carry a silent treatment to the grave just as well as they can carry a smear campaign. They are relentless. You may be shocked and dismayed by the battleground you find yourself navigating. Never have you encountered such an enemy.

Make a preemptive strike. In other words, make friends with your “enemies.” Let them get to know you personally. It’s a lot harder to hate someone you know well. If you can befriend the people your ex is targeting for their campaign, you may be able to affect some damage control. If the people being targeted are family (including your children), tell them your side of the story. Let them know you are the target of a smear campaign and to not believe what your ex is saying about you. Inform them your ex is creating “spin” to the point that what they are saying is fiction and a waste of time to believe. Be forthright, convincing, and firm. State your side once, then let it go.

Spend your time well. No matter what others think or do, you really have no power over them. The only person you have power over is yourself. Regardless of what others do with their thoughts and actions toward or against you, you cannot control them. You may be able to influence them, but that is all. Don’t spend a lot of your precious energy trying to make others see the truth. Spend time with people who don’t judge you—those who value you and help you feel supported and loved. Enjoy your life!

How to deal with narcissistic attacks

What can you do if you find yourself in this position? Here are some tried-and-true suggestions from those who have gone before you:

Learn to value yourself above anyone else’s opinion. The only way a smear campaign can work is if you allow it. If people choose to go along with false accusations about you, then yes, it hurts—but you don’t have to let it destroy you. You can learn to not care what others think about you.

Remember why you left the relationship in the first place. You were devalued and discarded. You did not leave to continue to be disrespected by others. If others are going to jump on your ex’s narcissistic bandwagon and join their hater campaign, simply walk away and remind yourself that you deserve respect.

Resist the urge to defend yourself. While this may be easier said than done, it is an important concept. Remember when you were in your relationship? You likely felt defensive (often). You probably tried to explain yourself thousands of times, to no avail. You ended up being caught in all kinds of “gotcha” traps. So now that you’re out of the relationship, understand that this person continues to try to control your emotions in a similar fashion—causing you to doubt your motives, your good nature, and even your sanity. Yes, you do deserve defense, but being caught in the trap of trying to get others (and the person with narcissism) to see your good heart can become a never-ending battle. It is easier to simply tell yourself, “They aren’t going to get it,” and move on.

Make a preemptive strike. In other words, make friends with your “enemies.” Let them get to know you personally. It’s a lot harder to hate someone you know well. If you can befriend the people your ex is targeting for their campaign, you may be able to affect some damage control. If the people being targeted are family (including your children), tell them your side of the story. Let them know you are the target of a smear campaign and to not believe what your ex is saying about you. Inform them your ex is creating “spin” to the point that what they are saying is fiction and a waste of time to believe. Be forthright, convincing, and firm. State your side once, then let it go. (This is really hard. Let them think about what they want. There will come a point where they will tire of the ex-narc).

Spend your time well. No matter what others think or do, you really have no power over them. The only person you have power over is yourself. Regardless of what others do with their thoughts and actions toward or against you, you cannot control them. You may be able to influence them, but that is all. Don’t spend a lot of your precious energy trying to make others see the truth. Spend time with people who don’t judge you—those who value you and help you feel supported and loved. Enjoy your life!

As for my sons

I love you today as much as I did when you were born. My love for you is unconditional. I look forward to the day you would like to talk or to the day you would like to listen or the day you just want to take a walk. If you call I will always answer.

“I understand you’re dealing with a lot of pain right now, and I am so sorry that I have hurt you. When you are ready, I hope you would be willing to meet with me to talk about it. Please let me know when you are. I love and miss you. Just understand there really is another side to the story you have been told.”

I get what not to do

If you think your children came into the world just to meet your emotional needs, you need to go back to the beginning and think that through. We bring our children into the world to find their way and make lives for themselves. We happen to be parents whose children chose to do that without us along for the trip. It really sucks, I know. But what sucks more is expecting someone else to make us happy.

Saying we deserve their respect, no matter what, is a sign that we are clueless about how to have a healthy relationship with them. Our children really don’t owe us anything. We gave them all that we gave them because we love them, not to make them beholden to us. At least that is how I understand parental love. I chose to give my sons all the love and support and material things I gave without any strings attached. When we attach strings, it is no longer love, it is hostage-taking.

Never, ever say to your child, “After all I did for you, you treat me like this?”

Parents have a duty to promote the development of their children into rational, capable adults. Depriving them of the necessities of life and of intellectual development violates their children’s rights. Moreover, parents have a duty to try to protect their children from their own harmful behaviors, and any positive action that anyone else may undertake to harm a child’s basic interests is wrong. Parents owe their children. The children owe the parents nothing. The only chink in the armor of that philosophy is if one of the parents is not playing fair by filling the children with lies about the other parent.

Stop Playing the Victim, Own It

Your child has walked out of your life. This is the hardest thing you have probably ever had to face. But you are not a victim unless you make yourself one.

When we adopt a victim mentality, we refuse to take responsibility for our life and happiness. We are always pointing the finger at someone else who is responsible for our misery. We don’t take the steps to improve our lives because we believe that we can’t change until someone else changes. We rehearse our story repeatedly, always attempting to find sympathy for our plight.

While we all fall into these behaviors sometimes, the goal should be to break free from these counterproductive ways of thinking and get on with building your life. If our children are to ever come back, they need a parent who is busy living a life, not one who is drowning in self-pity.

John Wooden said, “You can make mistakes, but you aren’t a failure until you start blaming others for those mistakes.”

Fix Yourself, even if Your Child Never Comes Back

This is so hard.

We may do all the hard work of seeing ourselves clearly, owning our mistakes, and even offering a sincere apology, and never get the result we want. We may never have our child in our life again. This is sad and hard, but it is not something you can’t overcome.

When we can see ourselves as fallible human beings, and learn to offer ourselves compassion for our mistakes, we are then free to move on and live our lives. When those who have done horrible things go on to make restitution for their crimes, they redeem their mistakes for a higher good. Honor your child by doing the same.

Do the work to fix yourself. Staying stuck in your pain and misery does nothing to help others. Even if your child never comes back to see what you have made from your mistakes, the world will benefit. And your child will more likely come back to a parent who is willing to see themselves clearly and is willing to own their failures. It is never a bad idea to do the work.

Hope is not a strategy

My very good friend, Scott, heard me use that very expression and sent me a book of the same name. It goes on to state “No longer is being a good closer’ the basis of sustainable success. Instead, it takes the kind of strategic thinking the author, Rick Page outlines in Hope Is Not a Strategy.”

In other words, it is specifically related to my sales career. An answer of, “I hope to close that deal by the end of the month,” was unacceptable in a Cisco Systems Monday morning sales meeting as no sales manager would bet on a rep filled with hope.

Hope is exhausting. There is a weight to hope that becomes a burden to carry after a while. Hope, very often, depends on the action of someone else, or circumstances beyond our control, to suddenly turn in our favor. There is very little within our control in hope. So I loosened my grip on hope. That does not mean I have given up on my sons or the possibility of a reconciliation. What it does mean is that I replaced hope with a willingness to accept my experience as it is. Hope requires that I want things to be different. Acceptance enables me to relax into what is.

There is an old song by the 70’s rock band 38 Special called “Hold on Loosely.” The words go:

Just hold on loosely, but don’t let go

If you cling too tightly

You’re gonna lose control.

This is my new mantra. While my heart desires a reconciliation, I have no control over that, so carrying the weight of hope has been replaced with something easier. I have kept my heart open to possibilities. But I know better than to cling to the outcome. I also know I will be okay either way.

In the end, it has grown me in ways I never could have hoped. It has enabled me to find a storehouse of peace deep within that I may never have tapped if it had not been so imperative to my survival.

My desire is that you will take some comfort, strength, and hope from my experience. I know you are stronger than you think. I know, too, that you can find healing, and peace within if you are willing to turn toward yourself in a loving, compassionate way.

Open your heart to your experience and use it to grow. Use it to learn to love yourself — and your children — unconditionally. Change your story as you learn to turn toward the truth. Hold on loosely without letting go. In the end, you are going to be okay.

I hope.