Was She a Narcissist or Just a Sociopath? | It Could Only Happen to Me

I have no answer to this, so we go a little long today. But I think if you stay with me, maybe we can find out together.

If you have recently ended a toxic relationship with someone with the traits of a narcissist, you’re likely dealing with plenty of hurt and confusion.

Even when you know, deep down, you were not to blame, believing this is often another story.

Wondering what you could have done differently to prevent abuse or help your loved one address their issues can add to your emotional turmoil.

These factors can come into play as you try to recover.

You know the relationship was not healthy. You are aware they mistreated you. But you still cannot shake your memories of how you felt in the beginning and the good times you had. (I am still debating this one).

These memories might lead you to crave their company and feel you would do anything to earn their love and approval again.

Abuse is often deeply traumatizing, and the healing process can take some time.

So, here is my story. It doesn’t have a happy ending – but which of ours does? If we had happy endings, we’d all be under gravestones now. It does not have a sad ending. It just ended and I am trying to pick up the pieces and figure things out.

Any of this fit you?

She slowly and methodically took me away from everything I loved. (My family, friends, job).

She spent every dime I had when I blindly walked into the (arranged) marriage. I was unaware she was hoping I would one day be homeless.

She was so arrogant, ignoring a court order issuing us both equal custody of our sons, then teenagers. We went to court on three separate occasions, and she lied to the judge each time. (Her goal was to make sure our sons hated me and never saw me again).

She told anybody who would listen how awful I was as a husband, parent, and person. A friend, a good friend, offered some advice. “When someone twists reality to spin outrageous, inflammatory tales about you, it’s natural to want to defend yourself. Resist the urge! You will just give her another opportunity to climb onto his or her self-righteous pedestal and tell you 97 more terrible things about yourself. Yes, your ex’s slanderous statements are hurtful, but they are distortions. The next time she tempts you to defend yourself, repeat this mantra: “What my ex thinks about me is none of my business.”

She slowly and methodically took me away from everything I loved. (My family, friends, job).

She spent every dime I had when I blindly walked into the (arranged) marriage. I was unaware she was hoping I would one day be homeless.

She kept my pre-marital property after a judge ordered she return it. (This is interesting and explained a great deal to me. I learned it is not uncommon for narcissists to be hoarders. She did not sell my property; she kept it in a separate room. It was more important for her to know she had it and I did not).

But I digress. I am fighting daily to get back to wherever it was I started prior to meeting the Narc. How did I get this way? It is a terrific question. Let’s take a step back.

When I began a relationship with her 21 years ago, I was in my early thirties. I was healthy, fit, successful, surrounded by friends, family, happy, fulfilled, and full of life, radiance, energy, love, and pure joy. I woke up every morning loving life and feeling ready for all of life’s adventures. Well, to be perfectly candid, that was most mornings. The occasional hangover slipped in, once, maybe twice a week.

I was low on self-esteem (a genuine people pleaser) which helps to explain the occasional hangover and tendency for sarcasm, but it all seemed to work, at least for me.

But it turns out, this is the type of person/narcissistic supply narcissists seek because if they can take someone like that down, then wow, their confidence shoots through the roof!

When this relationship was ending shortly after I turned 48, I was sick with mystery symptoms, parasitic infections, exhausted, 40+ pounds overweight, constantly hungry, anxious, depressed, lacking in confidence, unable to sleep, work, stand for over fifteen minutes at a time and I was full of sadness, fear, anger, doubt, and confusion.

She did something I did not think possible. She broke the bond I shared with my brother. While we had our differences, we always got through it (whatever it was). So, you ask, how could she do this?

She went after my sister. It was imperative to the Narc that she became my mother’s favorite. She did everything she could to suck up to my parents with what I now know as her love-bombing techniques. (They make you feel special followed by shock, awe, and guilt).

My brother who lived on the west coast would come to town and began meeting with my sister and avoiding me. I can only imagine those conversations.

My time away from her has allowed me to sleep and do research. Narcissists are energy-vampires.

Energy-vampire-relationships are akin to a parasitic plant, such as mistletoe, overtaking an elm tree. The mistletoe grows into the vascular system of the elm tree, extracting water and nutrients for survival. If the elm tree is healthy, it can withstand this relationship for a while, but eventually will become sick and can even die.

The same is true for you and me. If you are in a relationship with an energy vampire, you may withstand the energy drain for a while, but eventually the relationship takes its toll. And I’m not just talking about feeling a little emotional or drained. There can be serious health consequences when you are in an unbalanced relationship with an energy vampire.

The results are horrific. It leaves people suffering from adrenal fatigue, chronic Lyme disease, irritable bowel syndrome, thyroid disorders, an inability to lose weight, diabetes, breast cancer, autoimmune disorders, and the so-called mystery illnesses. Most, if not all the time, these illnesses do not respond well to medical treatments. That’s because the root cause is a relationship with an energy vampire… Until that is addressed, no medication, diet, or amount of meditation, and yoga will help.

That was me.

I did not know how a successful, loving, and caring, seemingly “awake” father, husband, brother, uncle, and friend got to this place.

I spent the last few months reading books and publications about narcissistic abuse and scrolling the accounts of narcissistic abuse survivors and experts. Things are clearer.

Today, I know exactly how I got there. The red flags were always there, but I did not know they were red flags. Who was looking?

Make no mistake, narcissists come in all shapes and sizes. They are male and female. They come in every color. See, here is the thing, I was not looking for it. I was not in search of a relationship and she pushed quickly for a second date and then a third date and demanded to meet my parents, and she never asked me about moving into my apartment. She called my parents and then told me they thought it was a terrific idea. In retrospect, it was like a parasite in your system that will not leave.

My Problem?

Like I said, I’m a people pleaser. I cannot say no. I even tried to breakup with her, and she refused. So, I threw my hands in the air and said, “Fine.” And things were better. They were. For fifteen minutes.

Narcissists and people-pleasers have similar issues in a relationship. However, they are expressed in vastly different ways. The narcissit can only see the relationship for what it gives them, with the focus entirely on their own needs. The people-pleaser is equally skewed in his vision of a relationship, but is only focusing on the other person and not paying any attention to their own needs. (My hope was she would not yell at me).

I did not love her and as for like her? She began scaring me. She was terribly immature and had little patience for anyone who disagreed with her. She had a horrific habit of starting a fight with me. The worst was when I was driving. It gets worse. She would start screaming at me, demanding I pull over and let her out. When we were close to my house, there was an insignificant problem with complying with her demand, which was followed by a phone call within two minutes wanting to know my whereabouts. The trouble was when we were on a highway, such as I95, and she would show the same behavior. How we are still alive? God only knows.

In my case, this issue of dealing with my repair gets messier.

I was 35 when the Narc and I met. She was 33 and come hell or high water; she was going to be married at 34. Love was not a barrier for either of us. She wanted her father walking her down that aisle (wherever that aisle was going to be) and children soon after that. Her sister already had three.

My parents controlled me. At 35, they still controlled my every move. I moved from New York City to Florida because of them and watched football with my dad on Sunday afternoons. My mother not only invited me regularly to dinner after work but brought me a doggie bag on nights they had dinner with their friends.

So, this is all on me. I did not complain and enjoyed my time with the folks. The problem was when the Narc demanded to meet them. She got to me through them. It was not long before she began calling them regularly and when she became angry with me; she threatened to call them and tell them things that did not concern them. (i.e., “I’m sure they would love to know you smoked pot with your friend and then drove home. I will tell them, so do not test me”).

Here is another. I was (allow me some honesty, still am) in love with the greatest person ever.

She has a positive attitude. There is no energy that can mimic what is released when a positive, high-stepping woman enters a room. …
She can overcome obstacles. …
She is strong-minded. …
She is soft-hearted. …
She has integrity. …
She has balance in her life. …
She sets goals. …
She is driven by a cause…
And yes, she is beautiful…

“So, you had the opportunity to marry this woman and decided what? You could find someone better?”

No. It’s worse. We worked together for a few years and remained friends after she moved on with her career. It took some time, (10 years) but she agreed we could throw caution to the wind and date. I was in love with her from the moment I saw her. In fact, I was in love with her before we met. Technically impossible to do so, but if I was ever going to list a person, I wanted to spend my life with, she was that person.

We spent so many great days together; I knew in a relatively short amount of time I wanted to marry her. So, what does any thirty something year old do? He drives to his parents’ house and discusses her with his father, who tells him she is too good for me.

Those were not his exact words, but pretty damn close. And that was it. He told me to move on. And what’s worse? I did. I listened. There has not been one day I have not thought about her and just why I would ever do such a thing. I listened to somebody else and blew up the greatest relationship I ever had.

Let me be clear. I am head-over-heels in love with my two sons who, because of the Narc, do not speak with me. They will not answer my texts and she blocked my number on their phones. She told them I did not pay child support (which is a felony in the state of Florida, and they will lock you up) and that she had sole custody of them. Everything else she told them was just a matter of what day of the week it was. The goal was to get them to 18 and have them disown me).

Crazy, right? The Narc and I could create these two wonderful people, yet she would still get the last laugh by making certain they know nothing about me. And the woman I love and still think about? I walked away from her for no good reason. None.

First it was Love Bombing

When I first met the Narc, she was a 33-year-old who had just moved from Canada to South Florida after her father told her she should stay in the condo since he is paying for it, anyway.

“Get a job and look for a husband. Your prospects in Canada are drying up.”

My mother’s new job was to create a shidduch for her youngest unmarried son. It took her a while, but every no was a step closer to yes. And she hit the jackpot with the Narc. After all, her phone number came from her hair stylist and why would he lie?

During our first conversation, she asked me to cancel my plans and drive to her condo. She would make it worthwhile.

That should have been a red flag…

Our first date was after she returned from Montreal to see her parents. She told her father she had met Mister Right. After one phone call!

That should have been a red flag…

She demanded to meet my parents on our second date. I told her no, but my parents wanted to meet her and the wishy-washy person telling you about this made it happen. And once they met, game over.

That should have been a red flag…

Let’s Talk About Intimacy

I recently learned that narcissists view sex differently. They use it to get a “high” and to get life force, validation, and attention from their “narcissistic supply.”

Keep in mind narcs are about control. Controlled emotions, gaslighting, manipulation, narcissism… it is all the same. Narcissists are self-obsessed individuals who control others for their personal gain; they use a few specific tactics for getting and maintaining control.

So why should sex be any different. I have always viewed sex as a two-way street. And I get why. It’s a respect thing. If you are crazy enough to have sex with me, I am going to make sure I do my best to make sure it is time well spent, perhaps even having you say, “Hey, he’s not bad. He cares about me. Perhaps we can do this again.”

With the Narc, it was all strategic. The few times we had it, she controlled it, which I learned early on. Prior to my understanding, I had to be educated. Foremost, I was told that if I wanted sex, it had to be “earned.” When I inquired about that, she told me I should place my arm around her shoulder late in the evening while watching TV. “If you do it properly, I will be in the mood, I want to have meaningful sex, you just want to get off and go to sleep.”

Two points:

That was not true. I always was so appreciative of a woman for having sex with me that I made certain to pleasure her every time.
With the Narc, I never did it properly and she would yell at me. The good news was, once she yelled, I was no longer in the mood.

I had enough insecurities in my world (I still do), being yelled at before, during, and after sex is without a doubt the lowest point any human can get. But this went to her control issues.

One night she asked me about partners and how many I had. When I told her, I did not know and did not want to discuss the topic; she pushed. Foolishly, I asked her.

“Two.”

I had nowhere to go after that.

“Okay, I had more than that.”

After a few more insults from her, I walked away. I later came to learn she really had only two and was terribly inexperienced, which just added to my problems.

Original Control Say Hello to New Control

My parents loved her. She would stop by with chicken soup for my father and ask my mother if she wanted to go shopping at the mall. All of it pushing me deeper into a place I did not want to go. They never believed me when I explained about her outbursts or why she hated my friends.

My father would respond with, “You are just afraid of marriage. Well, she’s right, it’s time and your mother and I approve.” And that was that. I was nice and nice to the Narc is weak. Weak to a narc is an opportunity. A narc does not define the term the same as a neurotypical person who would define it.

Empathy is a typical characteristic found in most target rich individuals. Narcs discern empathy as one who will strive to assist on a bad day while placing the narc’s needs before their own on a bad day. This reality represents as target rich environment for the predator narc. Now your answer comes to light, for the narc poaches strengths for their own use while entering the prey’s space via the empathy opening to swipe the characteristic they want to use for themselves.

The narc considers the opening to be weakness. Empathy being “nice” by nature is being characterized as weak. The greater the degree of empathy, the grander the opening, the more substantial the weakness and thus, the cycle ensues leading to the answer to your question. Yes, pleasant people are considered weak by the narc.

As the process continues on its predictable course, so does the Narc’s searching for additional weakness. The empathetic victim falters under the duress while instinctively the Narc senses additional opportunity to rein dominate hence, superior, and thus, momentarily powerful. All fleeting as the Narc continues to seek cracks in the agreeable person’s emotional infrastructure. The more found, the greater the disdain. The equation ultimately is defined according to degrees while the nicer the individual (using empathetic as the metric) the greater the degree of weakness discerned by the Narc. The math is daunting while sadly, not as stark as the human toll.

Then, It was Time for the Devaluation

I’m still not sure when it happened, but she was now an angry, resentful, bitter woman who hated my family (and hers when it was convenient), who yelled at me, who was impatient, and who wanted nothing to do with anything peaceful and loving. Or with me. There was no longer a mask. Now it was about everything. She was waking me up at 3 AM to tell me she hates my mother and demanding I explain the e-mails she printed out. Yes, she read my texts and e-mails. The worst was when she informed me, she was tracking my milage and I was not going straight to my office. “Where are you going? And you had better not lie.”

It was dehumanizing.

Then the blows kept coming… and have not stopped since…

If a narcissistic abuser knows you have a powerful bond with your relatives, they will seek to destroy it by working their way in and causing issues from within.

It’s a sign you’re dating an abusive manipulator if at first your new partner is really excited by your family relationships and wants to be a part of them, then something shifts, and they are overly critical. It’s not dissimilar to when you first started dating and they seemed like the perfect fit — until they began pointing out all your faults, insulting you at every opportunity, and warping your reality.

My father passed away a few days after our first son was born. She demanded I buy her a house. She had moved into my apartment and told me when her sister’s first child was born, her husband bought her a house, and she was entitled to the same.

I told her in time we can find the right place. “Allow me to grieve.”

“Because it’s always about you. I want a house. I do not want us living here when he is born.”

And later that week, I bought a house.

“And when are you planning on helping me furnish it?”

It never ended. Narcs are never satisfied.

The emotional abuse, very subtle most of the time, took on a life of its own…

There are so many scenarios and conversations and situations that were hinting she was a self-absorbed narcissist, and I was being emotionally and mentally abused. But I just thought she was having a bad day, or she was unhappy with her mother, or that she was just momentarily angry with something I did…

I used to run five miles after work, three times a week. She informed me I was, “selfish. If you cared about me, you’d want to come home and talk to me, not ignore me. It’s always about you. So, I am going to be nice and walk with you. You do not need to run.”

Five minutes into our stroll, a fight always erupted with the same result. She turned around and wanted me to chase her and apologize. (The funny thing? I always did and never knew why).

Everything was Always Someone Else’s Fault

What else is there to say? Narcs are never wrong. I wore out, “I’m sorry.”

I Just Could Do Nothing Right

If I loved something, she would hate it. If I hated something, she would love it. Everything I stood for — she stood for the opposite — and it got worse with time. Of course, in the beginning, to lure me in, she pretended she was into all the things I was into… I thought she was authentic but knew she was moving too fast. All the things we had “in common” were not true. She just pretended to like them so she could make me think I was her soulmate.

For clarity’s sake, let’s be clear. A soulmate is someone who comes into your life to teach you, enrich you, push you and transcend you into a higher state of being and consciousness. A life partner is a companion whom you trust and depend on during your life. (I had neither).

When she was sick, she was so unpleasant. She wanted me to sit with her and take care of her. If she had a cold and I went to work, she would call me throughout the day, reminding me how selfish I was. I could have worked from home.

Or the countless times when we would go out in public with our kids and at the slightest disagreement or tantrum, she would get up, say, “I’m not doing this. We’re going home,” and would storm out of the supermarket, the restaurant, the ice cream shop, the toy store, the library, the bowling alley — throwing her own tantrum while leaving the kids and me behind and expecting us to follow. I always followed so as not to create an embarrassing scene, even though the kids were in tears begging her to stay. On the way home she would give everyone the silent treatment and when I would confront her about it, the response was always, “But I stayed calm and didn’t yell.”

That was, and still is, her most used phrase: “But I stayed calm and didn’t raise my voice.” Yes, while driving everyone else crazy to where they are no longer calm and raising their voices, so they look like the crazy ones, not her. No, she didn’t. But narcissists are masters at creating chaos without raising their voice.

It’s like she had two personalities — one for home and one for outside of the home, which is what made things so confusing. I kept thinking, “Well, she’s capable of being a nice, caring human being, but I just need to figure out how to get her to be that way at home with me and our kids. It must be that I bring out the worst in her, so I’m not a good person.”

Come to find out, this is typical behavior of narcissists, and this makes this kind of abuse so difficult to explain to anyone — because who they see and who I see are so vastly different. She was always on her best behavior with everyone else — sending flowers when someone died, sending gifts when someone was celebrating something, taking meals to our friends who had just had babies, and even volunteering at school.

What made things even more confusing (I was almost always confused) is she would say things like, “I would never leave you and I would never cheat on you and I would never lie to you,” followed by things like, “I’m not surprised her husband cheated on her. She’s always so frumpy,” or “I’m not surprised he divorced her because she’s such a drag.”

Turns out, this is also known as cognitive dissonance — a tool narcissists use to keep you under a state of constant confusion.

I spent so much of my relationship feeling rejected, anxious, stupid, beat up, undesired, invalidated, guilty, and feeling like there was something seriously wrong with me because, “if my wife, who is supposed to be my biggest cheerleader and the one person closest to me, if she doesn’t want to be with me, then why would anyone else?”

Time for the Discard

I learned recently that none of it is real when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist. The love is not real; the intimacy is not real; the commitment is not real. It is all an act so the narcissist can get what she wants and needs. And when she no longer wants it or needs it, she discards you, moves on and finds a new person to manipulate.

And that is exactly what happened. Once she got everything she could out of me — the house, the kids, the attention, the money, the car, the sex, the nice American life with the big house and white picket fence — and when I could no longer give her more, she began the assault… the setup… the time to move in and go for the kill….

She could then go on and tell her world how abusive I was to her and the kids. How selfish I was. How awful my family was to her. “Nobody knows what I went through when he smoked his drugs and drank his alcohol. He was a drug addict and an alcoholic. He stole my money, the kids’ money, my father’s money, my sister’s money…”

I felt BETRAYED. I felt UNLOVABLE. I felt CONFUSED. I felt SAD. I felt ANGRY. I FELT SO MUCH SHAME. I felt DISCARDED.

Even before I knew this is what this last stage is called, I had given her everything to where I abandoned myself. From that point on, I did not matter. The easiest thing for her would have been if I died but the next best thing of leaving me to die and continuing to blame me for ruing her life. Well, that worked.

She texted me once. “You think you’re a victim.”

It took a while, but I smiled.

After that she ignored me, the courts, my attorney. She lied in court about everything the judge asked her. She gave one of my watches to someone in her family and informed the court it was stolen.

And that was that. She had me called into court three separate times claiming I did not pay child support and was livid when I showed the magistrate a receipt from the clerk of the courts on the second floor. Each time, I paid everything in full.

The good news is she told nobody. I learned she informed anyone listening they gave her full custody, and I did not paid no child support.

I know what you’re thinking. Why didn’t I leave?

I didn’t leave because I thought every couple goes through this and every wife doesn’t care as much about her husband as he does about himself or his work.
I didn’t leave because I was so used to being put down that it became my new normal.
I didn’t leave because the abuse happened so slowly that I didn’t know I was being abused.
I didn’t leave because I was adamant about keeping our family of four together and I didn’t want my kids to forever think “my dad wanted a divorce.”
I didn’t leave because I didn’t want my kids to come from a “broken” family.
I didn’t leave because I didn’t want to contribute to my kids’ ACE score. (An ACE score is a tally of different abuse, neglect, and other hallmarks of a rough childhood, divorce being one of them). According to the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study, the rougher your childhood, the higher your score is likely to be and the higher your risk for later health problems.)
I didn’t leave because I wanted to do the same thing that my parents did.
I didn’t leave because I never had time to really breathe and take a step back and see the bigger picture.
I didn’t leave because I didn’t think I could raise my kids and have a life on my own. She threatened me (constantly) about taking the kids if I ever divorced her. And she did it.
I didn’t leave because I am loyal.
I didn’t leave because I had already invested 16 years in this relationship.
I didn’t leave because I didn’t know what abuse looks and feels like.
I didn’t leave because it implied that I failed.
I didn’t leave because I didn’t want to miss half of my children’s childhoods.
I didn’t leave because I didn’t want anyone to judge me.
I didn’t leave because I thought surely she must have a heart in there somewhere and I just needed to bring it out. After all, why would she cry at movies (although she rarely cried in any real-life scenario)? Turns out this is yet another example of cognitive dissonance at work!
I didn’t leave because, by the time she was “done” with me, I was so sick and tired and overweight I could not imagine another woman being attracted to me. (Still wrestling with this one).
I didn’t leave because I didn’t have the strength.
I didn’t leave because I felt lost.
I didn’t leave because I didn’t respect myself enough.
I didn’t leave because I thought my intuition was wrong.
I didn’t leave because I didn’t want to be a divorce statistic.

But sadly, I became a Narcissistic Abuse Survivor statistic.

How I Feel Now

I’ve spent the last three years feeling completely broken — my soul, my spirit, my heart, my body, all of my being — so broken, in fact, I’ve spent all my time since then trying to get my life back and to feel normal again, but I still have a long road to recovery.

I think about the intentional pain she inflicted. The pain I allowed her to cause. And the cost? Everything I owned. She spent every dime I earned. She kept all my pre-marital property, after I agreed to give her all marital assets. Why did she want my old photo albums? Because she knew I wanted them. My father’s jewelry, my 1974 NY Nets autographed basketball, and on and on…

My two sons? How can I put a value on it? A judge told her to unblock my phone number. A judge told her I was to see them on Saturdays. Her attorney said that at 16 years old they are too busy to see their father. The judge agreed and said, “Tuesday evenings for dinner, Sundays for lunch, Thursdays for a movie…” She did not care how we were in touch.

But that Narc was clever. “Boys are not ready to see you.” Every Friday afternoon, that was my text.

OK…

I’m on a road to recovery — physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I know I’m the only one who can truly fix me, but it feels nice to have a support team to lean on. My energy is coming back, the weight is coming off, my mystery symptoms are disappearing one by one.

But it’s a S L O W process.

I still don’t feel safe in the world, and being married to such darkness has forever changed me. I hope to one day be able to trust again — myself and others.

I was trying to explain to a friend what this whole “experience” feels like when you finally realize what has happened to you.

It feels like my soul has been in the ring with Muhammad Ali in his prime for 10 rounds. It has changed me forever.

Here’s how I see it:

When you are with a narcissist, your soul-body and your emotional-body and your mental-body are being attacked and violated day after day after day and the aftermath is not only emotional trauma, but physical trauma as well because the emotional abuse often turns into physical dis-ease and un-ease.

It’s such an overwhelming and complicated ocean of emotions and I realize that, unless you have gone through it, it is unimaginable to understand how it feels.

There are days when I feel she left me for dead in a terrifying hit and run, except I didn’t die. And she was the one who hit me. I was grossly disfigured, but somehow dragged my body back home and when I asked her why she hit me and left me for dead, she said, “It wasn’t my fault. Don’t blame me because you were out on the road trying to get hit.”

I think about the time lost with my two sons. I think about how she manipulated them. I think about how she lied and lied and lied to make sure they would have nothing to do with me. I think about how unfair it was to them. (And me). I think about how they have moved on without me and knowing nothing about them and their life decisions. It’s a pain no parent deserves or should ever endure.

Realizing You Have Been Abused By A Narcissist Feels Like You Are Waking Up From A Horrendous Nightmare

I sometimes also compare life with her to a hurricane, an earthquake, and a tornado. One minute everything is peaceful and calm, the next minute everything is chaotic and falling apart. She would create all these extremely tense and chaotic situations with me and our kids, then she would step away calmly and watch the chaos unfold. She was constantly getting a narcissistic supply from all the scenarios she created. It made her feel powerful to see how she could create so much chaos whenever she wanted.

There are Some Things I Did Not and Still Do Not Understand

I didn’t understand how one person can destroy lives, but not be held accountable in any court of law. Because she’s not drinking or doing drugs or beating up our kids and leaving marks on their skin, the legal system insists that a home with a mother, no matter how emotionally abusive she is, is better than a home without a mother at all. I beg to differ. I can’t protect them because there is no legal system to back me up.

I didn’t understand how a woman can be so cruel to the husband she chose and yet be so kind towards everyone else.

I didn’t understand how a woman can go through her life and deliberately destroy those closest to me, one by one.

There were so many things that I just didn’t understand, which is why I was so confused most of the time.

BUT NOW I FINALLY UNDERSTAND — I was merely an “actor” in a staged production he was directing. With acts and scenes and intermissions and finales. And then the GRAND FINALE!

And so the play began!

Practicing Gratitude

Sometimes I thank my body for shutting down, Had I still been able to keep going, I would probably have walked myself to an early grave.

But mostly, I feel grateful because I think it would have taken me a lifetime to learn the lessons that I learned in the last few years.

I am learning what it means to fall in love with myself.

I am learning there is a purpose to all this pain.

I am one step closer to finding myself.

Once I do find myself, maybe, just maybe, I will reach out to the woman I wanted to spend time with all those years ago.

“Boy, do I have a story for her!”