Fasten your seatbelts. We are in for a bumpy ride and a rockin’ landing. If you have frequented my textually transmitted unease or just stumbled onto this site, please stick around. This is from a personal point of view. It must be shared.
Whether you’re an adult child, partner/spouse, or other family member of a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the most difficult aspect of the relationship is coming to grips with the fact that this person does not and will never love you.
Narcissists may say they love you, and even believe it. They may for a period of time put you on a pedestal and treat you like royalty. After they have shown their cruelty, they may appear remorseful and make promises to change. Under certain circumstances they may behave benignly, even affectionately and generously.
But what may appear fleetingly to be love is conditional and self-serving. It is sentimental attachment or idealization, which will crash and burn into disappointment, mounting criticism and rage, serial abuse, and possible abandonment, no matter how high you were elevated and how special you felt.
Why Narcissists Will Never Love You
Pathological narcissists can’t love. They are developmentally arrested at a formative age, probably somewhere around 2-4 years old. Having experienced disrupted attachment with their primary caregivers, which may also trigger a genetic predisposition, people who compensate with narcissistic adaptations rarely make up for early developmental deficits. They fail to integrate a stable sense of identity and self-esteem, and they do not learn to engage empathetically with others, remaining primitively ego-centric throughout their lives no matter how sophisticated they may become in other areas.
Lacking a resilient sense of selfhood and plagued by shame and self-doubt, narcissists wear a mask of entitled superiority and work continuously to repress their feelings of inadequacy and banish the possibility that others may see their weakness and fear.
Narcissists can’t love because they:
- Are developmentally stunted young children;
- Never learned to love themselves;
- Don’t care what others feel;
- Are consumed by their own needs and always see them as paramount;
- Project their lack of empathy onto others;
- Lack self-awareness;
- Don’t understand emotional nuance;
- View others as inferiors to be humiliated, competitors to be defeated, or superiors to be won over;
- See life as a war zone; and
- Ultimately despise any club that would have them as a member. (The quote is attributed to Grouch Marx and goes like this: “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”)
Why It’s Dangerous to Love a Narcissist
As pitiful as it may seem, NPD by nature is an abusive disorder. To varying degrees, most of us try to live by The Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Narcissists violate that code as a matter of course, viewing it with cynical contempt, their mantra is, It’s all about me. And their “code” is to get what they believe is theirs no matter the cost to others. The particularly malignant narcissist walks through life crushing everyone in their path, dominating “the pack” ruthlessly and often sadistically. I am living proof!
Loving a narcissist means a world of hurt for you because s/he will never love you back and it opens you up to potentially devastating harm.
People with NPD never learn to play nice. They
- Manipulate,
- Exploit
- Lie,
- Project,
- Betray,
- Hold grudges,
- Deny,
- Shame
- Blame,
- Mock,
- Bait,
- Belittle,
- Neglect,
- Stonewall,
- Scapegoat
- Play favorites,
- Take revenge,
- Terrorize,
- Torture, and
- Punish in a myriad of ways.
They will isolate you from:
support, destroy your self-esteem, kill what you love, blame you for their behavior, and abuse you emotionally, psychologically, physically, and/or sexually. You are an object to them, not a someone. And they feel justified in treating you with scorn and bringing you to your knees.
Think you can change them? Tame their defenses and rage? Re-parent and heal them? Finally win their love with your devotion, kindness, and self-sacrifice? Then you are exactly who they are looking for.
You cannot change the narc. Let me repeat this. You cannot change the narc. Narcissists like being who they are, what you see as a disorder, they see as a winning approach to life, the ideal version of a person. They don’t want to change because it would mean corrupting the ideal, becoming less correct, smarter, better, stronger, faster, which is silly to them.
Allow me to go off-road for a moment. Toward the end of my marriage, I was deep in depression which resulted in my being exhausted at all times. I would work a very full workday and often come home to do some sort of crazy workout with The Narc. The usual? She would make dinner for her and the kids and let me know how tired she was, “So the least you can do is clean the kitchen.” I would stare at a sink filled with pots and pans and a floor filled with crumbs, etc. By the time I would finish, it would be 10:00 or 11:00. Walking into the bedroom, I could hear, “Thanks for coming up. All you do is avoid me. It should have taken fifteen minutes to clean up. I’m sure if I walk downstairs, the kitchen will be a mess.”
It was always the same. I would shower and get into bed with the hope she was asleep. She would wake up at 2 or 3 AM, turn the light on, and greet me with, “You went to the Mobil station for gas when I told you to go to Cumberland Farms. It’s three cents a gallon cheaper. When I tell you to do something it’s for a reason, just do it.” “I see you had time to talk to your cousin today but for me you’re too busy.” Yes, she went through my phone, e-mails, texts, and wallet nightly. I was now awake, defending myself until the 5:15 alarm went off. She went to sleep. I went to the shower. Mission complete. Sleep deprivation is all it’s cracked up to be.
And now a left turn.
Do narcissists enjoy kissing?
What? I told you I wanted to go to a rest stop for a moment.
This is an interesting question. Between their lack of empathy, their superiority complex, their resistance toward having feelings and being vulnerable, and a whole host of other factors, there is nothing for a narcissist to enjoy about kissing, because they are incapable of appreciating the things that make kissing enjoyable in the first place.
Allow me another interesting question.
What is it about sex and the narcissit that made it so bad?
When you’re first in bed with a narcissist, you may have a great time or you may find the encounter boring and awkward, as with anyone else. The difference is that, in other relationships, you will likely both learn and grow together as a couple, and become more sexually compatible over time due to a greater understanding of one another’s preferences and tastes. That is normal. That is growth. That is fun. After all, it’s sex!
While living with a narcissist, you may feel an increasing disconnect over time, both in the bedroom and out. If your partner is a narcissist, you will eventually recognize that — no matter how technically proficient he or she may be — the sex is not really about you.
She had no problem telling me what she did not like and she would get angry. And not angry in a fun way. (Okay, how do you get angry in a fun way? I swear she depleated my mind). Angry like when she was yelling at her mother.
She’s yelling at me during sex! Moaning? Screaming? No. Telling me I’m selfish and a horrific idiot. Not exactly creating the atmosphere one wants.
Alow me to warn you. The first time you critique their technique, be prepared to be told you’re wrong. This can often get to a point where it feels like gaslighting, where you’re being made to feel like you must be crazy because the narcissist insists you do, or always did enjoy, something you never liked.
Narcissists are often less “experimental” than they pretend to be. Many narcissists want to think of themselves as always in control and attractive. This doesn’t dovetail well with being game for a wide variety of creative acts. Some narcissists brag about how they are game for anything in bed, but they will not get into certain positions where they don’t look their best or they will not do things they think make them look silly.
My whole life…I never had bad sex. It was sex. I’m a guy. You do the math. Leave it to The Narc to destroy the one thing that cannot be messed up.
In a relationship, sex (plus pillow talk afterwards) also helps you connect with your partner on an intimate level. It doesn’t just feel good, it also promotes bonding and increased closeness. I’m laying in bed with a naked girl. How great is that! But no. Oh? You want an example.
“What did you do?” she asked after returning from the bathroom. We were in my apartment. Mine. I lit a cigarette and had taken a long drag. By that point I had pretty much quit but it was after sex and it felt good to light one. “Oh my god, put it out now!”
She yelled so loudly I asked if she were allergic or had recently quit, causing the catastrophic reaction.
“Do your parents know you smoke? How dare you? Put it out now or so help me I will call them and tell them. And my father and I never smoked.”
And that was that. I put it out and she never hesitated to let me know if I did not do as told she would inform my parents I smoked cigaretts and pot. The pot issue was more of a childlike behavior. “It’s against the law. You do not want me telling your parents you are a drug addict.”
But she had lovebombed my folks who wanted nothing more than to hear she and I were getting married.
I was doomed.
Partners with symptoms of NPD may have little or no interest in building intimacy once they’ve accomplished their goal of sexual gratification.
If you try to talk about your feelings or the relationship, they might offer some token participation but seem bored or disinterested and quickly change the subject to how they feel.
She ALWAYS had to initiate it. And it got rarer and rarer and…(you get the point).
They need a lot of praise
People who display narcissistic behaviors generally have a high opinion of themselves. They may consider themselves special, uniquely gifted, and more important than anyone else.
In bed, this can sometimes translate to putting their own pleasure first. They may want you to satisfy their needs, and if yours don’t get met, well, that’s not really their concern.
Let me change that. It’s never their concern. Let me repeat it. IT’S NEVER THEIR CONCERN!
It’s always… always… always about control. My ex-narc was not terribly creative. In fact, I kept questioning myself. I had no one complain about my lovemaking in the past. I may have gotten some direction but never a complaint. She once informed me she only had one other partner. One! At 35! She tried to act as though she was a woman of the world and in bed she had to initiate everything.
She asked me how many partners I had, which I found to be a troubling question. I had a life before her, and it really isn’t any of her business what happened before we met. But she kept pressing. Red flag? Ya think?
Let me tell you something, it’s never OK to be judgmental or presumptuous about someone’s number. If they feel it somehow speaks to your character, let me say it again, that’s a huge red flag, The number of people doesn’t speak to whether or not you’ll be a good partner — or a good lover for that matter. Who cares? It’s just a number.
It finally hit me. Sex was her biggest control. As time went on and she got what she wanted, our two sons, as I said, the sex dwindled. Never makeup sex or “I’m just in a good mood.” Never. She wanted a girl. Her sister and idol (her father always talked to her about how wonderful her sister and her three kids were) had two sons and a daughter. She was screaming at me that she had to have another child. She NEEDED a daughter. That’s right I capitalized needed. So we would only have sex when she started it. When I told her two boys were enough, she was livid and that was that.
Never! Never! Never if I tried starting. Shut down, which can do wonders for the male libido. She rarely wanted it, and she would never hesitate to remind me how awful I was. “You just want to have sex.” “You don’t love me.” “Sex should be earned by caressing me, holding me, stroking my hair.”
I tried that once and she almost bit my head off by telling me, loudly, to get off of her and to stop touching her.
Back to that off-road
Let me say something about our two sons. I will always love them unconditionally. They are the reasons I stayed with her. I loved coming home and seeing them…and playing with them…and coaching them…and laughing with them…and, well you get the point. Today, they want nothing to do with me. They have been told all kinds of horrific tales of what a piece of filth I am and was during our time together. She told them I was abusive to her. She also told them during the divorce I paid no child support. The Florida Pre-Pay for college mysteriously was paid for by some other person. (To be clear, my mother paid the majority of it. I picked it up after her dementia kicked in. It was in my name but during the divorce her attorney demanded I sign it over to her. My attorney thought we could use it as leverage not understanding the mind of a narcissist). God works in mysterious ways. They are young men now and beautiful. I helped to create these two people who will certainly take on the world and make tremendous contributions but because it was with The Narc, she has filled their heads with awful thoughts. I keep praying this changes one day.
Why are narcissists so cruel to you but kind to everyone else?
I was married to her. I know the answer because I asked the same question for years.
Based on the experiences I had living with her for twenty years, my narc was a ‘glory hog.’ She needed to be adored by every single person she met, in hopes of them going around talking about how great she is! Telling everybody who knows my narc how much they enjoyed talking with her, she was so funny, polite, smart,… I could go on and on.
She lives/needs to be adored and glorified! But when she comes home, steps inside and closes the door behind her…. she instantly evolves into Satan and abuses the ever-loving-f*ck out of me with her delusional accusations, name calling, cursing so loud I have to plug my ears (Only God knows why). She’s brutal!
She didn’t do this every day. She would let whatever build for 3 days…’not 2, not 4…. and in exactly 3 days she’s dreamed up so much off the wall BS, and sometimes I think she actually believed it.
She would then take all this ridiculous nonsense, accuse me of all kinds of crazy bs, and repeat it over, and over, adding a few more delusional things to add to her story… she gets louder… louder… story keeps repeating… over… over… to the point the neighbors are hearing screaming and cursing…. I mean…she gets loud!
My response… I don’t say a word. It will not make it anything but worse if I say anything.
They say that something during a narc’s childhood was so traumatizing it causes the narc to be always in defense mode. They never outgrow or get past whatever it was.
Once grown and gone from home, they live for nothing but approval from everyone, because they never got that approval needed to grow up healthy mentally, or you may say, mentally stable. Really, it’s kind of sad. (What I’m about to say isn’t funny, but my wife walked by me one day, she was doing something, I can’t remember what it was. This woman is high energy, to put it lightly! Always gotta be doing something… anyway, she walked by me and I looked up, at the back of her head as she was walking away. Suddenly, I had an image of what it must be like inside of her. I was envisioning a bowl of macaroni with a pack of firecrackers going off in it! I couldn’t shake that image all day! I know it’s not funny, but I had to laugh. She’s so high energy she made me nervous.
I believe a narc is looking for the gratification of glorification. It’s like a medicine to repair the damage done when they were growing up.
I see it rolling like this… the parents took her self-worth by abuse… she finally grows up and goes out on her own… to a degree… but she’s damaged, and she feels it. She soon finds out that not everyone is like her father (or who/whatever caused the problem), so, if she’s nice, or does a good job for someone, or compliments someone at the perfect time… then she gets glorified. She likes it so much…. she ‘lives’ for it. So… she’s got this shit down to a science now, and… dun-dun-dun… one day I unknowingly walk up, meet, and fall in love with the devil… and marry her. It’s all because they employ charm, using their wit, resources, talent, conversational skills, and self-promotion through boasting, embellishing, and lying to manage their impression.
We all get tired, and grouchy, but we, the innocent ones who fell for the devil’s kindness, we just yell at something, slam the door shut (so to speak), and hide out for a while till we calm down.
Narcissistic people take their hate out on their significant other… and nobody but! (I did witness a few screaming matches with her mother and sister but never her father).
My thinking is the reason they chose ‘us’ to marry is because they can identify an easy target to take out their rage. Someone kind enough to take more than most, yet never stops forgiving. I feel like a f*cking idiot!!
The Sad Truth About Narcissistic Hatred
The reason you’ve found yourself the target of narcissistic hatred is that they view love as a weakness, and it repulses them.
But, it allows them to extract copious amounts of narcissistic supply. Therefore, they seem to hate you but won’t let you go easily.
The narcissist views you as a feeble underling; one which provides them with wonderful supply. So, though they couldn’t care less about you as a person, they don’t want to give up the fringe benefits that go along with engaging in a relationship with you albeit it a torturous one.
They won’t let you go because you are providing them with the things they need to survive as a narcissist. These things may consist of money, housekeeping, taking over the responsibility for their adult obligations, cleaning up their many messes, staying with them while they carry on affairs, and providing them a convenient receptacle for when they need to vent all their pent-up negative energies and rage onto someone.
Therefore, it does no good for you to show your vulnerability to the narcissist and, further, why they seem to dislike you even more when you show your very human emotions.
They want the benefits without all the damage control. They want you to just be quiet about it all and go back to the person you were before you discovered who they really were.
So, when you try to make them see how they’re hurting you, it is utterly pointless. In fact, it’s during these moments you see into the true core of the narcissists personality and its chilling.
Nonetheless, in your mind, you know them and have bonded with them, and so you try to humanize them, believing they must think and feel the same way you do, but just have a hard time showing it.
This is not the case.
They are nothing like you and no amount of unconditional love will change this fact. When we insist on believing the narcissist is like us, we are creating a story in our minds, writing the screenplay as we go along, thinking that with enough love and compassion, we will finally break through to the narcissists wounded self.
This will never happen and it’s important to accept this painful truth.
Narcissists love to blame other people for their nasty behaviors. (My mother, my sister, my brother, every friend I had). In turn, you may respond by being more supportive, understanding, kind, or compromising to persuade the narcissist to halt their betrayals and cruelties.
Instead, what happens is, patterns of deception and denial are established. This may be to avoid the narcissists wrath or keep the peace, proving to the narcissist you’re not the crazy psycho they say you are but, underneath the surface, it’s a budding system of enabling.
A system the narcissist fabricates from the very start.
The Truth About When Things Seem Normal
It’s vital to understand when the narcissist is being nice, it’s an integrated part of the abuse. A reward, if you will, for sweeping their last attack under the rug and going back to your agreeable self. The one who will smile at them while they carry on with their normal deplorable behaviors as though everything is on the up and up.
Additionally, they understand that if they give you a glimpse of the person they pretended to be when you first met, you will do everything in your power to keep the golden illusion alive, the illusion that things can be like they were before.
This is how trauma bonds become stronger over time.
If you go along with this mirage, you’ll be like the legendary solitary traveler who believes they’ve found water in the desert, only to find they’ve traveled deeper into the middle of nowhere with nothing around them to sustain life.
I was going to call it a day here, but I must get something off my chest. After a great deal of reading, late night soul searching, and remembering specifics of my life with her, I want to explain why:
Narcissists All Follow the Same Patterns
It’s possible to meet someone and feel like you’ve known them your entire life. Often, this just means you’re comfortable in each other’s company.
Sometimes, though, it can be a sign of something more sinister — particularly if someone you’re dating is professing their undying love for you when you’ve only known them for five minutes.
Narcissists sometimes engage in love-bombing, where they pretend to be everything you ever wanted, only to turn it back on you further down the line. It’s a manipulative tactic to reel in their targets, showering them with affection and gifts. Then, they start gaslighting and abusing their victim, causing them to wonder what’s real. It’s all part of the plan to gain control.
My ex-narc did this to perfection. She wanted to meet my parents in the worst way. Totally gaslighting them, they thought I was crazy when I said I probably would not continue dating her. She began calling them and telling them how terrific I was and how great we were together. We should get married, she told them. I did not know it was narcissism at work but had an idea something seemed off when she began telling me that my parents invited us to their house for dinner. She called them so many times to have them tell her she should move in with me and when they did, game over. I was shocked when she showed up with bags of her stuff. We never discussed it.
So, please look at the following stages of the relationship. Feel free to add to it as these are the ones she used on me. The list is from my twenty years of experience. (Painstaking, real-life experience).
Here are some of the most common things they might say and what to expect.
1. The Idealization Stage
Relationships with narcissists move very quickly. Some people simply do mesh well, because they have similar interests, and complement each other’s differences.
But anybody who tries to do it too quickly early on is basically accelerating intimacy, and that is bad news. Anybody who has to do that suggests they are doing something a bit creepy; don’t you think? (Like I’m such a big shot so many years later after thinking and reading and learning about what it was).
In the first few weeks, narcissists will say things like:
- “You’re my soulmate.”
- I’ve never met anyone like you before.”
- “You understand me so much better than anyone else.”
- “It’s fate that we met.”
- “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.”
- “Am I your only friend? You’re my only friend.”
- “We don’t need anyone else.”
- “You’re so kind, creative, smart, beautiful, and perfect.”
- “We’ll be together forever.”
2. The Devaluation Stage
Once a narcissist has hooked their victim, they start showing their true self. This is where the insults and put downs start slipping into what they say. Things they once seemed to love about their partner are suddenly criticized, and everything they say is part of their scheme to shatter their partner’s confidence.
But all the nastiness is intertwined with some affection because the narcissist knows they have to keep up the illusion that the relationship is worth saving. By pretending they can still be loving, the narcissist makes their victim believe the insults are their own fault.
During this phrase narcissists may utter some of these things:
- “You’re crazy.”
- “You’re too sensitive.”
- “No wonder nobody else likes you.”
- “My friends hate you, but I always defend you and have your back.”
- “You’re so insecure.”
- “What’s wrong with you?”
- “Aren’t I more important to you than your friends?”
- “Your brother is a jerk, and your mom likes me more than your sister.”
- “You’re being so manipulative.”
They will also probably start explaining away their behavior if they are ever challenged on it, saying things like:
- “I’m like this because my parents were so mean to me.”
- “My ex cheated on me.”
- “Love is just hard; we have to work on it.”
- “Everyone abandons me, so you have to help me.”
- “I’m acting this way because I’m scared to lose you.”
- “I don’t do it on purpose, I have a problem.”
- “Don’t you remember how good things were at the start?”
- “You need to stop being so selfish / careless / busy with other people.”
- “Don’t blame me.” (This comes after demanding you something like cancel an appointment with a colleague or friend and they get upset).
They’ll also try and devalue everything their victim loves, like their interest and hobbies — even their family. They’ll insult everything they can, such as:
- “I don’t like your friends, they’re not good enough for you.”
- “You like that? It’s terrible.”
- “I can’t believe you enjoy doing this.”
- “Your family doesn’t like me. You probably shouldn’t see them as much.”
- “If you leave and see your friends, I’ll be angry.”
Narcissists also play on their advantages. Whatever they can play on for superiority they will leverage and use to subvert the other party.
They’ll assert their authority by saying:
- “You can’t wear that, because I said so.”
- “That makes you look stupid.”
- “Your shirt is from 1970.”
- “I am so sick of that mustache. Shave it off now. If I tell you to do something just do it.”
- “You know I’m smarter, you know I know more about this than you.”
- “Because I know better.”
3. The Discard Phase
When a narcissist has completely worn their victim down, they may tire of them. It might be because they’ve bled them dry of funds, or they’ve simply found someone new to abuse. Either way, at this stage their insults will reach the worst level, and they’ll find more ways to tear their partner down, ensuring they leave the relationship as the “winner.”
They’ll hurl poison at their victim like:
- “Everybody hates you. My family never liked you. My father despises you and my sister always hated you.”
- “You’re a bad person.”
- “Nobody else will ever love you.”
- “I’m the best you’ll ever have.”
- “Have fun being alone for the rest of your life.”
- “Don’t blame me. You did this to yourself.”
It will only get worse.
The only way to escape a narcissist’s insults and threats is to get away from them, and run fast and far. They constantly keep their victims in a constant state of stress, and they know exactly where to dig the knife in deeper.
And it’s not easy to leave. My ex-narc informed me regularly, “Leave whenever you want. You will never see the boys again.”
I knew she meant it. Three times in court a judge instructed her and her attorney to stop blocking my phone number from our sons phone. But it was useless. She kept avoiding the co-parenting agreement and filled their heads daily with, “You don’t understand what kind of monster he was. He did not do it in front of you.”
She played the waiting game. By the time we went to court for the third time the boys were about to hit eighteen, she had kept them from me and that was that. She never waffled from that threat. During the best of times, she let me know when she was done with me, the kids would be done with me.
The narcissist must always “win” and they will use any means at their disposal to do so, including torture or abuse. They don’t think twice about causing pain in order to win. Narcissists always cause psychological pain and often physical pain as well.
Once you have discovered that you are involved with a narcissist, run, dont walk in the other direction. Do not think you can beat them. They are true energy vampires and they will treat you like an enemy that must be destroyed.
And that was it. She stuck to her end of the bargain and then some. She took our sons, court order be damned. She separated me from my family. She separated me from my friends. She kept my pre-marital property because narcs are hoarders.
That should have been enough but narcs are vicious and all I was to her was a pawn. I meant nothing. I fit the suit. She wanted to be married. She wanted her father to walk her down the aisle. An aisle filled with my family and friends, none of hers. She wanted kids. She found her sperm donor. Why would she care if the kids mean everything to me? Just more fuel for her to make sure they NEVER speak to me. When she was finished with her seek and destroy mission and I was beaten, kicked, and shoved to the ground, she could get rid of me, blame me to everyone who would listen and get all the sympathy she needed on a daly basis.
I will say this, she was one of the best narcs who ever lived. I wish at the time I knew what it was. I did not. She made me feel like I had never been born. For those who have no idea what it’s like, let me be succinct. It takes a great deal of strength to walk away because narcissists are such highly-skilled liars. They’ve been lying their whole lives, both to themselves and to others. They have an inflated sense of ego, which is a cover-up for their low self-esteem, and based on nothing but delusion.
Walking away from a narcissist can be difficult but, if you can empower yourself, you can do it. The first step towards leaving is to acknowledge the situation for what it is. I never knew, now I do. Run fast. Run hard. Do not look back. Your new mantra is No Contact!
This is your chance to regain control of your life and get rid of the narc once and for all.
Remember everything she put you through. Remember how deceptive she is and just how much you have given while getting nothing in return.
You must remain comitted to no contact like your life depends on it, because it does. She will yell from the highest mountain about the monster you are. She will be waiting for you to respond. It’s your only chance to shut her down. But oh how good it will feel when it stops.
I believe John Lennon put it best:
I said
“Even though you know what you know
I know that I’m ready to leave
‘Cos you’re making me feel like
I’ve never been born.”